Thank u. U really turned my night around. Really u did. A maid though? U funny. It ain't that good. Lmao. \
It would b nice at least one night per week. He or she cud start laundry and and so the good cleaning. With them still being young especially the baby. I pull out the mop every night. It's not an option unless we eat out somewhere. Lmao\
I love all I invest in them though. It wears me out and make me very exhausted but in the end they should hopefully stay focused and as u say stay sucka free so they can follow their dreams unlike me. Waiting so late in the game. \
:) \
I check their rooms later in the night after my shower or bath and I finally smile. It's all worth it. \
I just b heart broken sometimes cuz I know how much further I can be if I had the help. But hey. It may take a little longer long as I get there and have the moments to enjoy it though. :) \
Life is how u mentally process it. It would prolly b best if u were to call after dinner time. Everyday same routine. The girls r arguing and the baby is making a mess while I cook and plate their food so u call right in the middle of all the chaos lmao. Well not chaos just wrk time. \
I don't mean to b a drag. Think all the overtime and my monthly and.......... Idk I act like a woman. Lmao!!!! \
I do have to remind ppl that I have my moments too. Behind all the positive quotes and motivational speeches and bright smiles and I am moody and can b a lil off lmao! I'm definitely not predictable either. Lmao. \
That's when u get to know me. \
I was gonna finish folding laundry. Man please I'm bout to take a nap. Shut this door so he can't get out and pass out for a few. :) \
Thank u again for making me smile. Through all the pressure and tasks I forget to talk to myself and make myself feel good sometime. \
And yes I am gonna b smarter. I usually always save good, just can't feel bad when bad things happen and make ways to help. My dumb ass b coming up wit the ways too SMH. Fuckin sucka I b being. Lmao I learned now though. I never will give all again. \
Not even to my kids. I had been doin that too but shooooooot. They gonna grow up and even in they teenage years they not gonna wanna b bothered. Lol. Not till they grown and settled. :) and need babysitters lmao. \

I am gonna call the realtor in the Morning and let him I found something I like. It may not b the best bit it's something and I can rent it out.
I love my babies.
Crazy. Have a good night. We watchin ratatouille.

The new side to me

I haven't been desiring my husband lately. That feels good. I want him but not this him. I haven't been writing much lately becuz I must admit I did not handle him moving out well.
Everyone wondered why I was so angry and hurt. Well I explained to him that once he got the rest of his things it was over for good. That he could not come back. Moving his things means that he was making another permanent Decision to split. I can't just keep allowing him to leave and come back whenever he felt like it.
I have been crying the same cries forever. Texting the same things forever.......
I've been standing my ground lately for the most part. It angers me though he takes the sex rather I want it or not.
He told me he has a right I'm still his wife I belong to him. I have no right to say no.
It's just crazy. Once he powers me down I go along with it. It's not when and how I want it though.
I do want my husband but with him wanting to be a family man. Or at least knowing and wanting to balance the streets and family.
I've been hearing that he gets really drunk even out in public even at the bar now. Crazy.
His mom was supposed to watch the kids one night and he came talked crap bout how I was lying about going to wrk. Played with the kids and next thing u know they asked me was Daddy dead. Lmao. He just passed out sleep. Smh
He's getting so skinny his underwear r fallin off his butt.
He never looks like this. I love him and don't even know why. When I think about his battle with alcohol I just feel hurt.

Well enough of him. Cuz he pissed me off coming to bring his sons BDay cake when the party was over. Luckily I had the kids decorating cupcakes.
I bumped into someone from my past.
Long story short he's been 

It's 9:22pm and I am finally laying down. Lol. Cleaning up the kitchen and homework and preppin food for tomorrow and Tuesdays r our hot coca nights so we did cookies and milk Insted read a book For bed and put a load in the wash. Cleaned up shit cause he pooped all over my floor and then played in it lmao!!!! 
It is filled and packed my life. I truly enjoy my life though. Proud to be taking and training them. They better not disappoint me all the hard wrk I put into them. 
Changed my bed linen made my bed all nice and fresh took a quik shower and now I'm watching ratatouille with my son. He is stuck on it too. Lol
He likes talking animals. Guess I have to start training him to sleep in his own bed. I brought his playpen inside so it can b at the foot of my bed. Or on the side. But I b wantin someone to cuff and cuddle with myself. Lmao. Hate sleeping alone. Most times. Lol. 
Well. Goodnight. Have to start all over again.   

A WIFE
Is a woman who holds you down
Even when physically you can not be around
A wife supports you through your shortcomings and pushes forward off the mere hope that you will defeat the legions
Of demons
Attached to you
She knows you will survive and has more faith sometimes than you
That you will make it through
To be the capable man that's supportive and true
Puts his family first and sacrifices his own EGO
HIS OWN EGO
Because he knows that it's the right thing to do
Doing right is the hardest thing sometimes to do and
She knows that her husband will get the bigger picture.
A wife is that HOME that you always find yourself having to run back to
A wife YOUR wife still gives you the encouraging words past her pain that this world brings
While keeping her heart that the rain is just the prelude which waters the grass and makes way for the sunshine to come out and play
She's in your ear constantly
Your second conscious loving you through YOUR pain again and again
Not the woman who desires you when pain and hard work is almost done
So they can enjoy only the glory when it comes
Your wife is there in your grumpy mood and should be showered with your happiest too
She deserves it
When you fall short your wife stands behind you and tells you when you are wrong
And supporting you and being strong for your family too
Man....
That's a lot of hard work to do
You have to accept her for her shortcomings as well that less than more come through
Forgiveness
Because you know throughout all her rough edges and mistakes of her/y'all past
No one else wholeheartedly has your back
Being the moon playing the sun can be overwhelming too
A wife deserves pampering and consideration even when you have a hard time finding a smile she deserves that too
The love of your life only comes around once so if she's in front of you
You better hold fast flaws and all
Treat her wrong and life always has a way waiting to show you, teach you, and remind you of all the wrong you do

Look. Your behavior was a disappointment yesterday. No excuses can b made about u coming drunk and late to your only baby boy bday.
Your priorities r off. Life is chess. U taught me that. A lot of the things u have taught me u no longer live by. And u r no longer the man I fell in love with. I'm falling out of love bae. Like ya sex. I don't want it. Respect that. Just cuz I'm ya legal wife does not me I have to bend over for u. U want your cake and eat it too. I am not a second place woman. And that's how u treat me. I'm a great investment. All u put in u get back more. Respect me. Or I WILL NO LONGER BE AVAILABLE FOR YOUR DISRESPECT.
I didn't even get wet for u. The thought that u only there cuz the next not or can't is disgusting and disrespectful. YOU R NOT EVEN AWAKE YET. So once again my car won't make it to the shop.
My dignity and my children mean more than my love for u and especially means more than a bill being paid.
I am raising my babies with that I show my girls what to allow and tolerate and my son what to be like. U think about that. I can not continue with this.
Either u want me or u don't. U runnin my house my body my time when u respect none of these is not acceptable. I would b being my mother. And I am not. Alright Future. Have a good day.

I sent this to him this morning.
I want change. I will have to sacrifice to make it.
NJoy
Been goin through it 

The melt down

I felt the world in me. The trees the birds the air the wind the things u can't see. I felt them all muster in me and burst with energy when I told him he would have bad will on him as he keeps doing me wrong.
I told him after all I have done he cudda did was he was doing a different way. I do want him to live and be happy and if being with me means misery upon him then fine move on. Just don't use me in the process. Let me know what it is. This beautiful Mercedes Benz he had me put a personal loan on. 24k in debt and if something happened to him that is $400/month I have to be responsible for.
I know there's a thin line between being in love and plain stupid. Everytime God gives him opportunity for him to learn and me to learn and be free of his stupidity I run to his rescue in the name of Love Insted of what it is really called: torture lol I come and figure out a way for him to be back on top and givin me his ass to kiss again.
Back in December he lost everything again. When just in November I had given him money and all for when he came home to do something with. He gets caught up being drunk and crashes a rental in my name and hides out in bushes and woods and has me drive there and stand in to possibly take a charge for him. I was willing to do it becuz he wud have gotten 25.
So the nice pretty 600 he had given me for Mother's Day I call around an take a 6k loan out cuz he needed it. Told him they only gave me 4k so that I wud have cushion to pay the loan if he failed to. Anyway he was rappin bout just stayin home and being a babysitter and life is over attitude. I called around to c what loans and cud get and the bank offered a personal loan if I gave my car as collateral.
Now once again he lost everything and the Benz he got me for my bday I've gotten a loan on and put to the back burner my opportunity to buy my home. I keep reminding myself I just delayed this process. Cuz I have been having a poor attitude in this case.
God I know will only give me so many more chances before I can't save him and fall myself.
Anyway. I just hurt. I just feel like out all the things he has done and I still stay strong and faithful and in need and wanting to do the right thing. I'm cursed and a punk to not do what they all tell me. Let him play and I play and stack my money. Well I jus hate playin games. Especially when we gone through so much alredy. We shud BFF status and I shouldn't have to. I just want God to take this pain away from me.
I know tears r the body cleansing itself. I can't cry anymore though. So where does that leave me? I ain't even hungry. I'm only hungry when I fix somethin to eat for my babies at dinner time. I'm a cook and just fed them a veggie tray and fruit tray for dinner. Lol
I feel like when he came and got his clothes he could've told me. He could've just told me days before baby I am coming for my things so don't put them back in the drawers. After I all do be honest. No matter how it hurts or may not benefit u. He cud give me honesty. I'm still down cuz of my children. Well now he's kinda changed that.
His mom keeps asking well y u mad? U asked him to get his things. So he got them and now u angry. Yes I am Socrates wrote that ppl dorm always build walls just to keep ppl out. They build walls to c who will try to brake the wall down. It shows the fight for me. He did and still continues to say that he is coming back. However I gave my word that once you get your things there is no coming back. What kind of woman would I be if I did not stick to that? I would b the kinda woman that says that u can do whatever to me and I still come back for more punishment. I would be a weak woman. I told him he can't even humble himself enough to do what is needed to come back. My heart breaks over and over again when I think about it.
I don't think anyone gets it. There's no need for him to come back now that he has gotten all his things. What's the purpose? U callin my bluff just cuz. That's usin me. It is.
My friend told me that his claws of torture will not release from my back until I rid myself of all hope that he will can he and do right. He's right.
I still hope. I still c his potential and hope for him to be his potential and rid himself of who he is.
All the wrk and clean up I have done for him. Screaming on him when he makes stupid moves and tried to blame it on other ppl.
Staying up late when i have to be to wrk cuz he sleeps drunk in cars with the door wide open. Countless times I've had to come outside and clean him up and lock him on the car doors. My insurance is high now. All the sings and three rental crashes. Like. How dumb can I be? In the name of love of my Husband.
Help me.
My friend told me the best way is to get a distraction. Replace. Pretty much rebound he says. Lol. He meant him too I know what he was talking about. I have to keep him at bay though. He's too much like my husband. He has a fire temper and a bad boy attitude. A demanding respect attitude. I guess that is what has my attention. :) I smile thinking about him. I do wish I cud let him ease my pain. I told him I won't meet him or see him unless I divorce. That's not for my husband it's for me. For me I do the right thing.
He told me I have what others search for and they will not find. I just have it. 

More is coming tonight 

Laid back.

I went off completely this morning on him. Then I sed forget it I'll take it easy. Took it easy and keeps calling and ckin up on me. Smh. Life. I know my mother prolly thanks she has no one to depend on. I was supposed to put $500 in her account. They make it so hard to do so, I had to go get a money order in order to put the money in the bank.
She is having a blast in Mexico. That's great cuz she deserves it. She really does a lot.
I grilled after picking my nephew up from football practice. He's been doing good. I told him I'm proud of him.  I am. I had to wack him though when I left him with the kids to just run to the store to get lighter fluid for the grill and the oldest twin has a smart mouth however he still shud not put his hands on anyone.
So he came and grabbed the kids. Too bad I was runnin the grill I wudda took off for a few real quik. Lol.
I got up with a friend of mine and had a couple drinks. That was nice.
Then got to listen to game b ran on me. Lol. I am really feelin this man vibe. Like a lot. Makes me want to let him catch my fall.
My hormones have been racing lately. I like really want to let someone in. Oh well I will sit on ice for now I guess. Lol.
My jerk chicken and things came out great.
This was my response to something he text me
Ahhhhhhh. Your friendship is appreciated as well.
I don't look at teasing like chasing a shadow. Lmao!
I look at teasing when it's pleasant (cuz u know in reality u can't have what u desire anyway) as chasing the sun. U continue to walk to the direction the sun is in and enjoy the heat it gives the warmth it brings. Admiring the colors of strength it has to offer and gives to u as u soak it up. We can not ever physically touch the sun. For whatever reasons we r not equipped with what we need to embrace even a bit of it in out arms.
Teasing is like a fun day at the Amusement park. It's amusing. When the day is done we take the memories we have accumulated with us. We can never get that day again. It is what it is.
:)
Yea. That spiteful little somethin. Lol. Smh. Idk about him. Lol. Guess I just didn't care. Don't care lol.
C u asked for some of my mind and there it is the whole dream and open side.
I blogged about a question u asked me last night.
Hiding behind the mask. I do like to be a mystery. When u r an open book u can be venerable to prey. :) lol
Throughout everything I am grateful I smile. I laugh all the time.
Even when I don't know why the hell I am smiling. Even on a serious note. The kids learned me though. They know just cuz I'm smiling sometime doesn't mean they shud smile too. Lol.
That's good u gonna write her everyday. The attention feels AWSOME and to know someone can take the time and dedicate it to them. Time is truly the only thing we own. That and our mind. Those r two things other than physical death that we can not escape.
And it's crazy for me to say that. Cuz I am a true believer that time is not real. Lol. We mentally make it exists.
Being interested makes me smile. U know Freddie I mean Janet Jackson sexy ass b needing that attention.
:)

Being more watchful? Or just letting go?

It's 5:53am Friday morning. I had a very profound dream. The thoughts as I slept were "he promised again and once again the promise was empty" "NJoy, yes he cudda came home cuz he came back twice and still didn't get his things, but he did not. U can't worry if what keeps him out is better than u. U can't worry if she is prettier more demanding, has a stronger hold or what ever the case may b. The fact is your kids. And his broken promises keep coming and he keeps promising. Stop believing".
That's is what is it is. For me to hear and not hear. For me to see and not see. For me to just keep LIVING as if he is not existing. What I don't mind. Don't matter.
That's funny. I had another pep talk with myself that fast writing this out to u lol. Well, in this dream. I had a little boy that looked and dressed just like my son. However, he was not my son. I looked over him and cared for him as if he were mine. We were walking doing some sort of challenges or something. Well the next challenge I thought aloud that this is crazy and this is gonna be hard, cuz we really have to be careful and jump. I had a sense of fear like I knew it would be hard. This girl says oh no it won't be hard cuz with this one at least if u fall it is over a river.
I see the river now as me this little boy and a man r walking and I tell the man this will be easy we will just walk along the curb. We stay on the curb we b alright.
As I think the rivers current was going down as we had to go up. The across just escaped me. As we talk and let the guard down the sense of urgency seemed safe and he hopped over the gate. Y didn't I run? My slow ass reflexes! As he crossed over he took one little foot off the curb and immediately went under being carried away! I jump in immediately to let the current help and I scream for God to give me the strength. I scream loud and this extra boost pushes me I almost grab a leg ALMOST. twice I got close but this time I damn near had his leg and Yyyyyy Y???????  Did I not continue to fight? Why did I just give up literally just like that when I knew in my heart i shud keep trying. So I take my spirit and hover the boy. As my spirit grabs him I make him be alive however I do not know if that's a reality or not.
When I wake all I can do is lean over and kiss my baby. I thank God that he is here and I realize just how quik ppl or something can go downstream. However this little boy was not mine. I ask myself. Is this y u did not give your all? Is this why once u missed u quit and sed u tried? U decided without deciding that u had enough mayb before u go under too. I felt though right when I have up. That split instant as I have up he immediately was more away from than I would be able to catch up. Even though I had never stopped swimming.
I never stopped swimming but mentally and in my heart I was quitting and that's y I called upon idk my higher self.
I think this little boy could be my nephew as I've gone over all the ways I have to watch my son better even in our yard with no fence. I told myself if I had his walking leash lmao backpack for kids I cudda held it and wudda gone nowhere far.
I think of my nephew and mayb I shud fight harder. After that bullshit I have been doing for him but just puttin him off to his aunt. She told me again when the bus situation gets right I have to get him lol.
Then I thought of my husband. With this little boys independence in my dream. That cud b him. His ways and actions r still childlike in many instances. I thought of how he usually has to pay a stack a ride so mayb he makin his way to a free ride lmao!
If that little boy is my husband. Mayb I have to let him drown cuz I very well could drown trying to save him. Well in the dream I knew I would've been able to a strong strong strong feeling right after I gave up though. But who's to say I would not have beat myself down and aged and damn near drowned myself trying to save him? Is giving a lot of my life's source what I want. Or am I being over dramatic becuz it wasn't all like that?

Respect vs Love

He comes in the middle of the night. Showers and gets dressed. Leaving his clothes here for me to was. Now I'm pissed cuz he did leave but he still comes back. He comes and goes as he pleases. What type of shit is that.
I screamed for my key. I screamed today for him to leave and not come back. I see all the stress all over him. I see the world and the streets and whatever else beating him down and I just don't know how to sit down.  I wan to. Rely bad just for his sake. For his sake I want to b quiet. With my silence and in my silence peace comes and wondering for him comes. He will wonder Y I am not the same woman begging for him to come home and begging him to be with me and give me time.
Actually I hardly ever beg for time. I just ask for the kids to have a father. That's it. I ask for him to not sleep with other women and allow me to know about it. What I don't know doesn't hurt me. At the end of the day. I know what goes on he throws things right in my face. He told me tonight that it's becuz I go through his phone. That's the shit I am talking about.  I should by no means be told something like that. Don't you agree? I can't help it. I also can't help even through my pain thinking of his pain. Smdh. I want to change.
What's good about loving someone who does not love u in the same manor.
LOVE vs RESPECT
I was told that men can love something and not respect it. That is my major issue. RESPECT. It's not what you do it's how you do it.
I think back to all the times I have been a good soldier, a good wife, friend, and confidant. Lol. It's not funny. Really it's not. I remember going to Elmira Correctional to get him. :) I went though all these changes to pick him up. Lmao.
I looked like a movie star. The guards couldn't stop watching me. My short shimmery black dress see through in the back of it, my hair lookin like Ciara in the Ride video, my nice sexy high heels.
I practiced the dance I would do for him too over and over again.
I pulled up in my white V12 s600 he bought me for Mother's Day. Those white boys were in awe. Another gift to keep my legs closed and door for him open. Idk mayb that's not what it's about. Mayb it is becuz I simply deserve it. The fact that he brings it up in every argument sucks.
Well I pick him up 

One day at a time.

I guess it'll get better. I got another call from a old friend and just hearing his voice made me at ease. I felt good. It feels good to be wanted. And feel wanted.  :)
He caught up with me today. That had me feeling sick. We argued. He caught me droppin the papers he needed for the affidavit for court. I find out now that his license is suspended for a year. Not 4 months lol. Smh. I think the judge did that just to hang his ass. She can look at him and tell he will not follow the rules.
Drunk ass bastard.
To feel better I had a spa day with my momma  and let his mom take the kids to a bday party.
Spa day was nice. I got a wax for the first time. On my Vagina. :) hurt like heck real fast then gone.
I am def keeping it up.
I had thoughts of the past all day today.
I mean from asking him to leave. I wanted to kill him at first. Then I wanted to just stay silent.
I will finish soon. I have to tell about merge with the psychiatrist. And the damn boy no he wanted his sister.  

The test

Ok. So we went on a really good overnight get away. He told me he wants to change once again, and that we just need a break to feel better. Well once we got back from the huge fancy hotel called Garden Palace. It was great. We always have the best time when we get away. I had 2 shots of Baily's with Hennessy to drown my memories and 6 shots if tequila to numb my pain. I knew u would have a good night when we made it back to the room. Normally when sleeping with him u think and wonder who else he's been with.
Our return home was good too and u just knew it was going to be back to the norm. Yup. He called me back to back until I got the kids. Lmao. Once I have the kids there's no need to ck up on me. Lol smh. He promises me a movie. Next thing I know after promising he won't drink anymore. He's drunk as hell again. And he didn't come home. So I've decided to not answer any of calls. I've asked him to freakin get his shit and move out.
It's too bad the one guy I'm havin a lil fun talk to is so far away. Not that I could ever take it there anyway. But geeze.
I was asked to not look at what he say but look at what I'm sayin about my situation. Well this is what I b tellin him these r the text throughout the middle of the night while he gettin good sleep and my mind and body is restless :
Texts:
U can't wrk wit ya phone off.
U sleepin and treatin. Thas y u asked me a out woodcliff. What marriage do we have?
U give the next more respect. And u payin and sleepin over there. Y won't u give me my freedome? I charge vacations on credit to impress her u spend cash.
Like u not gona have good luck fuckin me over like u do. U just not. I promise u that. I saw it alredy. Told u that when u was in jail on ya violation. The universe wrks well wit me. U can't keep me unhappy and mistreat me and things b ok. I do waaaaaaay too much for u. Yes u pay bills. So do all the men at my job. Especially when they live there. Smh. I bet this woman u wit her hair and nails and lashes is done. I still have to wait on school clothes for mine.
U fuckin up. U ain't tightening up. And I frankly don't wanna b bothered. I laughed in the car on the way droppin black off becuz I saw this. U NEED TO GROW UP.
U BETTER HOPE THAT K DONT FIND WHAT I AM LOOKIN FOR BEFORE U DO GROW UP. NO WOMAN IS LIKE ME AND U WILL REGRET LOOSING ME. THAT IS A FACT FACT FACT A PROMISE.
I AM STARTIN MY SEARCH.

With no response after all of this I just say I won't answer my phone. I've gone the whole day. After listening to what his mother sed he was saying when she talk to him he just think he made me cuz I'm driving a Benz. A used automobile. And we pay high ass rent instead of owning a home. I cudda been had my home messin with him.
He keeps calling i give one reply.
:
 I love u. But I hurt more than I smile. If I didn't know. It wud b easier. But u leave too many crumbs n  too much for ppl to talk bout

I came home later and had peace. The kids and I sat outside I watched them do flips and play with sticks and dirt and we enjoyed the peace. I am goin to by all means make sure I continue to enjoy the peace. 

The drunk

So he got angry with me today becuz he found out I showed the pictures of him after he fell out cold onto the kitchen floor with just his drawers and wet marks from kids in them.
Yes. Disgusting. I heard him outside fumbling around but I didn't know what he was doing.
This is the text I sent to him : Please be careful. You will take all I have u drink and drive. And our kids will suffer baby.
7:37 then I text : Home is where u can always run to when everyone else turns they back. When everyone else stuntin and frontin when they could do more and they don't. Home is your backbone and home proven no matter what u do it's doors r always open cuz of love. Nothin else. Home gives and gives so please don't damage or harm that. I love u. B safe ~ Home

He calls after that at 9:30 and says he is on his way and blah blah blah.
I'm a bit if a wreck but I don't call. U don't wanna nag and be arguin when he gets in so I'm pretty much just up. He's alredy wrecked 2 other rentals actually 3 including the one he kicked the door so hard he had to get another rental to take that to a shop to get the dent out and get painted.
Well I think he's outside, and he's actually passed out for a few on the steps. He hit the concrete so hard he had to get 3 stitches in his lip. Crazy. I just stayed in bed. Hoped my son didn't wake and u just prayed he fell sleep upstairs away from us. He tries the grab the baby when he has been drinking and my little man has me in him. He can sense the damn evil in him from the liquor lol. He just cries so I moved my lil man to the other side of the bed and sed I wud argue till he fell sleep or buy time till he goes out. He finally makes it in I hear another boom from his fall then the kitchen he goes and falls out straight back. I don't leave my bed until I can hear him snore. That let me know it's safe.
I ck for my keys and just figured he left them in the car I'll wake early I tell myself to look for them.
He comes downstairs later when he wakes still drunk stumbling an I hear piss. I creep up to see where and he has his dick in the laundry sink swaying back and forth taking a puss. Smh. Just disgusting and his pissy grown ass stumbles back upstairs to cut light off and then stumbles down and crawls into bed and passes out.
A sigh of relief leaves my chest cuz he can not get angry sleeping.
I'm good till it's time for me to b off to wrk. We couldn't wake him up I had to throw ice cold water on him. Then he woke up. He was still stuck. He sed I am. I'm gonna get up. U look for your keys he told me. I yell now. I pore more water on him n then he gets up.
I guess he's mad. He told me it's  my fault. I just asked him to get his things n leave.
As of write now. I feel great just becuz my son does has the soft sweet hands so warm and all.

First day back at work and my knee SWOLE just a little.
Can't believe he did that to me. He really hurt my knee after alredy jumpin on me at my moms. Lucky the twins and baby were gone with his mother to the park. He was crazy drunk at 5pm. I don't know why he gets so angry with me the way he does. I mean I did get nasty on the phone and tel him I was tired of takin his crap. I sed was gettin a boyfriend and there's nothin he can do about it.
His mom came to get the kids out the blue and I guess he thought I wanted alone time to really so somethin. He asked me to get the keys and leave my mothers. I loose my keys all the time. Every morning we all look for the keys.
He just swung and jumped on me all of a sudden. Outta nowhere. Started choking me and as I fought back he pushed me slammin my head to the floor. Then he just kept choking me and fallin my neck my mom and grandmother would push him away and he was back at me again. Shuv to the floor then choking me. When he would not let me go my grandma took a lamp an banged him with it. It wasn't till the third blow which drew blood as his white meat came through. He snatched the lamp from her and we pushed him he broke the glass window to the front door.
As he stood on the porch he screamed for me to give him the keys. I quikly hid them and he goes outside with all the neighbors there and screams he made me I b nothin. He cuttin me off. Fuck u bitch all this and kicks the side if the rental door.
Just horrible.
For no reason. I just kept wondering what I did wrong and what I sed wrong. Why would he violently attack me like that.
I ran trying to get away. Went to pack my things to go to a home and he got there before I coupl leave. He tried taking my kids and when he tried taking my son I stood in his way. He grabbed my neck choking me down the stairs. When I couldn't fall down anymore stairs he plied pressure as I screamed with my knee bent to the side cuz I fell on it wrong and he just wouldn't stop choking me with my son screaming for me only a year old one of the twins came and screamed for me. He finally stopped as she helped me up. I could barely walk.
I made it to the car. Got all my kids. He wouldn't let me get my nephew though. I looked at my swollen knee my burning throat and chest and reversed almost hitting him with the car.
I backed up and sped forward again his mother jumped in front of him and she fell over hoping that I would stop when I saw her protecting her son.
She slapped me as she rose from the ground screaming "u have ya kids in the car for Godsakes. My Baby sister is laying in the hospital fighting for her life and y'all actin insane like this. They don't hav a steady father they need u fool"
I drove off......
As I walked the floors of that hard job I just had thoughts of why my leg hurt so bad.
He has called bout 6 times alredy. I am whooped.
Well the first day went fast.
Homely tomorw does too. 

Today went by in a slow pace. Had to take some shoes back to BCBG. That store had my mouth drop. A few things I liked.
I told my husband this morning when he sed I need to watch my spending that he doesn't pay me enough. Lol. Sometimes I just feel cheated. Lmao.
It's not funny but whatever. Here's a poem.

I get angry at the little things
I get angry and let out all those big things
Those things that have been bothering me
Festering with me.
I get flash backs of his abuse his cheating his inconsistencies constantly
He reminds me of his flaws that have left scars in my heart and open wounds in my mind
In time
I tell myself will heal.
In time all that pain I will no longer feel
And then
His consistency becomes his inconsistencies all over again
Repeating his story history with no remorse or care for me
He's sent me to mental therapy
I'm laughing becuz I was mandated to take my stress and my life as from the outside falling apart seriously
I look in the mirror and ask myself
Why can't I figure it out with the equation being ohhhhh so easy
We do what makes sense right?
I don't know what makes sense
I want to believe him
I want to have faith in him
I want him to love me like he acts like he loves him
Yup. Himself lol
Sometimes I think I'm jealous of him
I think I'm jealous cuz I can't do the things he do how he DO him

It seems the more I give my all
The harder I ride the more I risk the more he goes commando.
The more I give the more he asks me to give all and I get bills paid lol
Is that all I'm worth?
My rent? And him taking care of HIS KIDS?
He says he loves me thas y I drive this pretty Mercedes Benz......
I give my all. I cook. I play clean up
I think and I create and I dream for two not just for me
My inbox gets full and some days I don't want to ignore them
The inquiries as to 'can I get close to u?' get temptin
I get tired of sayin 'I'm sorry I'm taken'
The reply is 'I wouldn't know by the ring you're not wearin'
Yes I'm laughin.
Cuz when I too say 'my husband'
They look at my bare finger and look around like I always c her alone.
All these beautiful relationships I'm seeing
Embarrassed of being out in public or being me and doing one of my speeches and a woman's voice snickers from the crowd and laughs at the advice I'm givin
Cuz she knows When my bed is empty at night lets me know she gettin
What My HUSBAND is givin
But I'm steady giving.
Giving myself and my all and I hear men that are single say they searching
Cuz I am what they r wishing
But I want Him to be wishing he could make me smile for every tear he has had drop and
Make me laugh for every pain he has caused and
Even pain he has not
Cuz he can't stand that my heart has tatted painful memories and scorns all over bleeding when things trigger
I really thought he wud erase and take away all my pain
I hear what the men outside be rappin and
I wish I was gullible and not as smart and even in most cases smarter than them
So their arms I could fall right in

I be wantin to be bad
But my mistakes from the past
Gave me lessons and my babies have given me a new perspective.
My new knowings and understandings won't let me
I am done beating myself up for me fallen weak for my poor decisions and hurtful deception
No matter my reasons
I don't know y I'm scared to change.
Fearing the X lol
My knowledge of self and knowing who I am hide away
I fear even though I foresee most things
A blessing from my abuelita
But then a curse cuz I KNOW
I choose to ignore.
I even empathically feel
I feel and  it hurts so y have I not left?
I've been alone for many years
Do I just yearn for punishment?
Or is these thoughts the first step of the changing?
They say the process is thought word and then it forms
And mayb then I will take action
I keep hoping in the process he changes to keep me from leaving
The beautiful thing is I know once I am gone
I will not care what efforts he takes anymore or how he feels or any thoughts on the matter period.
Just thoughts of me


Now I'm doin what I love. My three babies and I r havin movie night at home. We made buffalo wing dip turkey pepperoni and grapes. No popcorn. Lol
Things I go through r just that. I am glad I have a mind that allows me the opp to escape the pain I feel

NJoy

Morning

This mornig I don't know what is going on. Didn't sleep till late, and I just wand to lay in bed.Some mornings have to be te mornings for me.
I would've been nice to wake up to kisses on my neck, and soft rubs up my thigh. It seems we only sleep together when he feels I'm just about tired of his shit. LOL SMDH
I am. I wanted ask him before he left to just free me. I know he is not gonna do right. I cater cuz it is in my nature. I like to make sure my family is happy. A pleaser. I get ot from my mother. However I do not want to be submissive like her. A man can just walk all over her.
I told my husband that is a fear. I do not want to be anything like them. I mean I like the things I do pick up, the good cooking, being clean, my Man doesn't hav to go outside our household for anything. But yet I am masterbating. I felt a huge amount of guilt yesterday morning too. I know I am jmping all over the place.. When the big one came, for the first time His name didn't escape my lips. I crave I yearn to be WANTED.
LMAO! When I saw Him, my husband I looked at him and tried to see him desiring me and made myself desire him. I worked at it. My menstral cycle is coming again soon and we have had sex 3 times this month. Its not even funny. No lol. That was work.
Well he came home last night. I can count how many times he has stayed here since we have moved. It's been one excuse after the other always blaming things on work when his ass purposely is cutting his phone off.
Something did seem different about him last night though. He seemed very very tired. He looked also like he lost a friend. LOL Yes that is sad it makes me feel a little good, but then it is aggrivating cuz nigga u round here sad about who and what. Business is hard I know that but he plays just as hard.
He claim he stayin in the house all day today. I know that is not possible. So asked him if he wanted to do this paint thing with me. He sed he jut want to lay dwn all day and rest up. OK That's cool. Really is though.
I know it seems like a lot it is what it is. I layed on the couch wth the twins this morning for a little extra sleep and woke to play a cupl hands of UNO with them. That was fun and then to business. made some salmon patties and grits for brkfst.
Peaceful. Those thoughts above ain't come till he left to grab somethin, and when I called he didn't answer. All of a sudden he calls from a diff number and tells me he got a new phone. YEA Ok. Now I sed last night the only way he leaving those phones out is becuz he has another one I don't know about. Now he cut the family phone off though. SMH
Hate it when ppl think they are smarter than me.
The point has becoming though that I do not care.
:)
NJoy

Thank u

With so much going on I forget to say thank u for looking over my thoughts. Your thoughts and input are awsome.
In every trial in life births lessons hopefully learned to do better in the future. :)
Every choice and action have consequences. We all just hope that the consequences r positive ones.
My challenges r just that. I work towards handling things like the matrix. Cuz in reality. We make the good good, and the bad bad with our thought process. Sometimes life lessons r just that. Processes.
:)
Thank u again
From : NJoy 

I purposely pull off leaving my babies with my grandmother to grab the pizza I ordered.
My eye is still bad. It looks beautiful after having been unable to see for 2 whole days and sparingly having sight for the two after that.
No my husband didn't cause the issue this time. I was grateful to God that for the funeral this past Monday my eye watered bad but vision was clear to c her lay to rest. I'll explain later.

It's funny I couldn't bare to keep him at my house by himself. Not after that. I also had to c if his aunts language penetrated his brain or not.
I took my glasses off and asked him was he truly sorry for trying to kill us. Cuz pretty much in a nut shell that is what it was. I told him u did know that u cudda hurt my babies. What did any of us ever do to u but love you? I demanded his answer again. I sed u did know that the cud hurt. He sed yes. I told him I know when u lie. He sed I feel bad about it. I looked him in the eye tears welding rage building and told him I do not know who he is. What did u expect to happen if one of us got sick. U damn sure wouldn't b going anywhere u wanted go. U know that right?! He sed he didn't think about that. "Is it in ya fuckin head now?!" Cuz no one wud back u. U know that right. No one. U know why. Cuz u not a 14 year old boy. That is that white shit. Foster kid white shit u on. Damaging ppl food and toothbrushes. No one want u in they home alone cuz they can't fuckin trust ya spiteful ass. Do u get that? He sed yes.
"You c how hard ya uncle rock for u? Do u think he would let someone harm his babies and walk away? Do you?!!! U sed u heard stories about his temper in the streets. Y wud u think u would still b looked at by anyone as a 14 year old boy? U wud b a fuckin abomination and a 14 year old devil that needs to b locked the fuck up or dead somewhere harming babies and ppl that love u. Ya own family nigga. The only reason I ain't beat like a young evil fuck boy on the streets is cuz u have ya momma eyes. I rocked hard for your mother. She's dead she gone. I don't owe u or her shit!!! I don't owe K or Q shit. I don't owe anyone anything. I look out I take u in I give what I have n split what I have in 4 now insted of just 3. U only still in my home cuz u have her eyes n I mean that. I only didn't tell cuz u gettin this last chance after this u will be dealt with like a 14 year old crazy evil malicious baby killer.".
I jus hope I am not bringing my babies harm letting him back in. I hate having to watch his move in my home too. My home is supposed to b my safe haven. It's supposed to my comfortable peace place.

And the crazy begins

I have her name tatted on my arm. We were so close. I never had and it seems will ever have another friend and sister that I didn't have to argue with. We actually just disagreed, talked about it and got over it.
At a young age she was so much more nature than me
I know it's becuz she had to be.
On the deep freezer one night she just poured out her confessions to me.
She explained to me that I looked better with her son. I knew it was becuz she was going through the motions and the changes with her sons father. Yes he truly is just a baby daddy.
She told me she was tired and she alredy raised kids. She told me "you love him and you look good with children. Take him for at least 3 days for me". Me being me and knowing that I lived in my mothers house I didn't want to burden her with the fact that I was taking on at least a week full of responsibility. I explained to my girl to just work things out as a family with her son since she took the dad back and things will get better.
They didn't to make a long story short. She was murdered maybe two to three days after that convo.
I thought to fight for him in court becuz I knew that she would have wanted me to have him. No one could imagine how close we actually were. She knew her daughters which were actually her sisters would not be able to raise him. Plus they were her daughters not her sisters as they were all born to be. She didn't want life to stop for them with all that pressure put on them that was placed on her. In her eyes they themselves still needed looking after. :)
Long story short again court was messy. They all started fighting against each other which made it easy to make a decision against them. How they grieved was crazy and selfish. They and they alone were the only ones that felt the pain of her loss and they and they alone were the only ones who knew what she wanted. Even though they were her babies so she did not speak to them on her level. :) I punked out and backed out cuz it was just too much.
She was a love of mine my sister and my friend.
Her son. My nephew. My husbands blood nephew has finally come to live with us without him wanting to. He had been getting into trouble and running the streets when he is not a street kid. He's not tuff like his mother or his uncles. He grabbed him up. Brought him home and told me to feed him becuz he was hungry and so I did. Of course throughout the years I had always kept in touch with him. Grabbed him up and let him stay the night and blah blah blah like a good aunti. Now at 14 years old an adolescent boy he is, and used to making his own choices and suffering little consequences is here to live with us.
I opened my arms with the idea becuz I knew what my girl would've wanted. I opened my arms with the opportunity to makeup for denying her to keep him when she asked me to. I opened my arms cuz he looks so much like her and he's just a boy. I opened my arms becuz I love all of our babies, and him being of her just made it easier and I could makeup for pinking out and not stepping in when I knew I should've.
Now I don't know. Lmao. I think i want his ass gone. He does spiteful things that tell me he is no longer cut from the same cloth. Yesterday he put mop water and soap it something in our collard greens. I took some out before I cut the greens off to go to mothers to grab my babies. I tasted them and I let my grandma taste them. They were a little hit but slammin. Now I get home and as I approach the stove it smells like pee. I immediately yell for him to get downstairs. My intuition is giving to me through my bloodline. My abuelita owned the Botanicles on Clinton where I'm from. That's the PR central. Before I left I felt I shud not leave without covering the pot. The greens were boiling so I just cut them off and knew they would piping hot by time I made it back still. I didn't think they would smell. I ask him why the fuck my greens smell like piss. He whines I don't knoooooww. I said you know. I told him to eat them. I bent over smelled them and they didn't smell like urine, they smelled of mop water a little and dish soap. I place the spoon with a broom in the other hand and I tell him you better taste these greens. He claims he doesn't eat greens at first and then he says ok he will taste them.
I get it outta him that he put dish soap in the damn pot of greens and fabuloso. I want to beat the shit outta him with the broom. I couldn't do it. I did wack his ass good though. I asked him was he gonna sit and watch us eat the fuckin greens while he just ate steak and rice? He proclaimed he wasn't gonna do that. He was gonna let us know before we ate it.
I am not buying that shit. Just last week I threw our toothbrushes out becuz mine had hair in it. I sed mayb the baby got hold of it. My intuition kept sayin ya son ain't even that filthy and he ain't two yet. That little fucker in that room did it.
He asks me am I gonna tell his uncle. I just look at him. My husband would have to beat his ass for that one.  That's a fact cuz I want to.  So I tell him no. He sed he ain't mean in I tell him stop sayin that. I let him know men don't back down or coward out to the choices they make they just endure the consequences. That's what men do. I tell him u wanna be a man so bad u think u so grown that little punk ass $500 u get from your mothers death ain't shit. We spent that the first couple days u got to the house I told him. Nobody looked for him or noticed he was gone. They were relieved when we first got him.
He tells me sorry he just used to doing what he want to do and he was fine where he was at. He sed " I wasn't given a choice I don't wanna be here. People always tellin me what to so when I can come and go and how and where I gotta be". You punk though and u wanna run the streets. These cats runnin u for your sneakers and shit out here and u claim u like the streets that show no fuckin love.  Especially to you when they run u. U ain't bossin.
He tells me he just gotta get used to it and all that. He tells me he really feels he was fine where he was at and he don't like being told what to do.
"Well mutha Fucka u a kid. And if u don't start enjoyin being one ya ass gonna be in jail somewhere or Juvi And the guards and niggas there gonna always tell u what to do. Ya uncle snatched you up cuz u was in the back of a police car alredy. Where's your next stop?".
He has no answer for me. None at all. Just tells me he truly is sorry. And he feel bad for taking it out on us. Cuz I explained to him that we love him and we shouldn't have to pay and suffer for how he feel. His pops sed it aloud that he don't want him. His mother is dead and his aunts gave him a try alredy. Both grandmas on drugs and sick so they can't handle him. Told him this his last stop. If wants to go I take his ass right to the group home. He can stay there and run away get released and live his life how he want to.
He sed no. I don't know. I still want him to be physically disciplined. I called one of his aunts  he started cryin after he got off the phone with her. He cries easy so I don't know if it truly worked. She told me to bring him to her house. Cuz along with the greens I found comit on my oldest daughter toothbrush....told him this the last time he gets away with this nonsense hear.
He called me cryin at her house apologizing and then heavy cryin in the background. This soft ass cruel and spiteful little boy.
I am just bout tired.

when is enough enough

I called him and asked him to bring someyhunh fkr the baby his diaper  rash. Its sad . he clearly sounded drunk. I want something different different.  I  have  to  work  hzrd just  like him.  I have  to  do  things for him when thingx dont don't  go  rright.  He wud ssy i do nothing.  Crazy.  😱 i want to be loved.
How do i get out of this mess ? How?  Really  how? ?
i made a phone call  tonight and asked jf i cud get some attention .  I  know  I  won't  go  the full mkle . I just want a distraction.

My nephew just got in the car. its amazing how being a youg man can be so different than being a young woman. He gets in pride nd freedom feeling snatched from him. He only understands his feelings and his thoughts on what he wants 

chasing Fools gold by Jill Scott

Its amazing how in life we actually for our reality based on illusions of what we want. We try quinching our thirst from wine instead of water.Wondering we we are never hydrated and satisfied.
How does one escape BONDAGE. How does one escape their MIND. THERE IS No Escape
I c just why ppl are so unhappy living through their senses
Attitudes constantly changing
Perceptions on life and lifes chagnges constantly changing
Here in the mind is the hardest to break free of and accept
We say learn to accept what God allows
Learn to deal with consequences of all our actions
And good and bad consequences that come from our actions

I whispered in my Aunti ear that if she is ready, to embrace it and have no fear
She told me that she ws scared but ready wow. she told me she just feared for her husband and his surgeries and she feared for her children not having themselves together. she told me she feared for her youngest being so far away. even though she is right in her home town.
I just don't to die with regrets. I dont wan to be n y death bed and say I wish i couldve doen this or i wasn't happy bout that. Life is so short and we have the POWER to impress on ourselves our FUTURE and our FATE. if and only if we can free ourselves from bondage.

Hmmmmmm it's amazing how i want to tell myself that i am free and i am lying to myself
I guess it's a process.
NJoy 

I hope Im waking

I look down at my swollen knee as i know today is the move day. Just yesterday I culdnt really decide where and what I want to do from here.
I am sick of his cheating, his lies, his lack of time, his drinking, his aggresion, ad his violent nasty mouth, and ways. Oh yea and his selfish ways, his me myself and i mentality.
LMAOso you wonder hy the hell am I still dealing. I ask myself that too.
I just want to be loved and i just want to be happy. Happiness is the key to success. I know this as i strive hard and warn out to reach my goals.

It's been a long time. So much had changed and sadly some things have remained the same.
:)
U sed I hav to write. As I watched my son changing and being different. He's such a handsome boy. He's getting older now. Got his own little traits and characteristics settin in.
As I write too I hear my nephew goin in on my daughter. Ughhhhhhh they fuss and fight all the time.
He complain about bein here but he's fittin into the whole family setting just fine. He's just as annoying at times as he girls though. Lmao!
I'm back and I'm here to stay this time.
Hope u enjoy my footprints I've been leaving and will continue to leave in the sand ....