;)

Yes!!! We always hender ourselves from success. Even when God clearly removes things out of our lives we find ways going out of our way! To continue to b connected 

The art of letting go is a meticulous craft. However freeing and simple one. 

Why choose pain when peace is always right there with you?

I've found I have done enough trying to cut with my tongue.
Yup. Finally.
He asked me to do something for him yesterday as usual.
I felt like saying 'where's your whore?'
'Why I always gotta make calls for you? Why I Have to make sure certain things are right for and with you? $40? Why she ain't mail it to you?'
However I know my brain just has recorded images
And sounds backs of pain
Which would make my mouth
Only cause more pain
I might as well listen to what my heart says
My hearts says 'yes I can do that for you'
My heart says not a big deal. Look how excited the kids are to hear his voice and look woman. You are a winner. No matter the outcome with him you are always on top. And if you can do it do it just don't go moving mountains to do it
All done Peace 

It's amazing tat throughout all the hurt and pain that I continue to feel. I still have not yet moved on.
I have not yet moved on, however, I am living!
I have made a promise to myself to live in the meanwhile. Why should I stop? To then live with regret?
Absolutely not. I am very intuitive and gifted. I have to start opening my ears to listen. In this day and time the 'pour out' is getting louder. It's being poured unto and given unto many.
Live and Love thyself.
:) vs :(  I have a voice and I need to start using it and healing with it 

Accountability sometimes can be a hard one to mount up to. My dad always told me if you want to know if you are lying to yourself or not just look yourself in the eyes through the mirror. You'll know. Makes sense. Wouldn't just be nice if our hearts did exactly what our brains told us? Lol
Life really is short when you add it all up by the seconds. You think you would get this long number you can't pronounce or name off. You don't.
Most people retire at 65-70 and then curtains. That's all folks.
I keep telling myself the same things over again. Then like an addict I'm all in
Just to get hurt again.
People will not treat you different until you make them. 

O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law. (1 Corinthians 15:55, 56 KJV)

Waking through the job I see in my mind a bee latching to my calf and it had hands like a human almost. It stings repeatedly. I don't feel a thing. It's like the stinger wasn't there. I knew it was stinging though because bees die when they have no stinger. It just wasn't phasing me.
I ask my co-worker what he thought that meant. He says the violin has been playing for you and you've been taking it. Now the trumpet is going to play.
He explains to me that all these bites against me won't kill me.
Ok. So that's a for sure way of sayin what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. :)
That means all the pain that I am going through I am not killing myself. I have so much life in me. I know I do. I deserve the best.
I will obtain it for me and my children.
Speaking of them brings a nice warm smile to my face. I miss them like crazy all while at work then go in on them when I pick them up from school LOL. They have waaaaaaaaaay too much energy.
If you could only meet them. They are so smart and helpful. My oldest has this 'I help take care of this attitude'. My baby girl, my middle child has this so nurturing and mushy attitude but very hyper. My son is just the happiest baby ever. I am blessed. Too blessed. The first two are very clingy and attached to me. They would not go to anyone or be bothered by anyone else. My son is just easy going. He is becoming high maitenance though. He has this leadership Ora about him. I know he will do great things just as my girls will too.
Taking them to the Disney auditions for tryouts this fall. Make them bring their violins as well.

Wow. My husband just called. My car got sent to the shop and he told me to get rid of it. We are going through something right now. He said he will still send the money. The agreement was I keep the car which was my Mothers Day gift and he not put anymore money into it. Told him over and over again of he just like those Benz's we can get a brand new one comes with Warrenty and all. Long story short he does provide for his family. I can not take that away from him. Like I told though he makes me sometimes want to just say forget it though and abort the situation and take nothing from him.

In the end it's not the end of everything.
So I'll smile versus dwelling on things I can not change.
I will live and enjoy life. Spent waaaay too long living half way. 

You have to learn someday
I just admire my babies peace in their rest. The three of them so innocent and with such wild free hearts to love and live loud. I do not ever want to take that from them.
I remember taking a shower and hearing loud music play the day after Memorials Day. He asked me to cook on that Monday I would have never done that because I have to go to work the very next day. Anyhow I grill, call his right hand man to make sure he was coming before putting shrimp in my rice and beans. He says he never got the invite but he is glad he got it now and he will throw some things on the grill as well and have the rest of his family come. I said ok.
This is dragging on. Long story short. He showed out a whoooole lot. Came in with an attitude. Saying all I do is take from him and he wants progression. All this over the car. I don't know if his whore saw the car and she wanted it or what. He has to learn to speak to people.
I didn't jump to grab his plate that I had fixed for him when he was ready to go and he just started calling me all types of names and assholes and tried to get his cousin and right hand man to be disrespectful twards me too.
The details are embarrassing.
Later I clean up by myself have loads of trash his mom helps take to the front for me. He just cares about no one but himself and those who can get him to reach the goals he has set for himself.
Life and living is paying bills. I told him every man who is a man provides for their children and their family. Hell I still pay bills.
I find a picture missing so I shoot him a text. The last time he came and took a comforter set without asking me for it. Took mine to give his to his whore. Who does that?! What woman takes a set that a horn bug man uses for his bed? Whatever.
I threaten him and tell him I will call his whore and make her angry to stop whatever benefits she give. That wasn't right. Hey. I know that's why he came by the next morning.
In the shower he starts going in on me with words. Then it gets physical. My kids wake and scream scared and he just won't stop.
The next day he sends a couple apologies however later degrades me again.
I should be done. One things from the fight yelled that I should not forget is that the slate is not clean. Me cheating on him in the 7 1/2 years he was gone after JUST DOING 8 years with him he came home shitted on me with this same woman and many others lasting only onyhs in the street. Just saying that as a note. However I am a wife and that does not make things right.
Though too the slate has been clean. He tipped the scale long time ago if this was tit for tat.
Why is it tit for tat anyway. You love me obviously. So if u can only bring hurt to me leave me alone.
He's been making his way back nice though I know to myself I can not take him back in unless he is coming back in all the way right.
My family my friends no one would understand nor would they approve. Nor do they think it'll ever happen. They say he has to hit rock bottom before he ever appreciates the woman that I am. I am a good woman.
I have to take more moments and look at the beauty I possess and the beautiful mind I have and know that without just saying it.
I am a beautiful woman
I am a smart woman
I am a woman with sooooo much strength
I am a great mother.
I am a good business woman
I am a woman with more than just one trade and skill
I am a woman who has a special effect on others.
I am  so accomplished at this age and I am blessed and I am loved!
I am loved and deserve the best.

Just one thought away from happiness
Ok, it's a new day. The sun is shining the birds are singing..... Need I say more? I tell everyone we are just one thought away from happiness. So why carry yesterday on to my today? I can not allow one moment or one comment or things that I can not control destroy me. I have a goal to reach. My children are smart, hyper, LOL and healthy.
I couldn't ask for more (other than a supportive husband, or divine intervention in the one I have because 15 years of my life have gone to this for me to hear he buys another woman gear and things while I am still asking for summer clothes and a car seat). See that's what I mean I don't stop. I am laughing though because really it's all good.
Todays agenda is a baby shower and me coming home to clean up and marinate my meat fro tomorrow. Really don't want to do a lot of cooking because we have to work the next day so simple cabobs are on the menu for mine.
I must say I do enjoy cooking. May not be the top chef but I can do my thang.
Thought I would just check in before the day got away from me. Yesterday was a beautiful day as well I just let bull decide the way I ended it. Won't happen today though.

 

Joy Stealers

Its imperative that you keep in mind where and why information that comes to you, is given to you. Everyone has an angle or a motive. People just be mad at him. Its amazing how many things I continue to hear about my husband. I think it's sad really. I did tell him that he has only one friend. I did tell him that. He thinks different or simply doesn't care because he feels that he has everything under wrap. Its sad that he does not like to listen.
Long story short I have been told about a diamond ring that I have been asking for and promised since before we had our son. I have been telling him over and over to buy his family a house, or at least help with that and he has bought a house in his whores town and it was told to me that he is saving for her deposit on her a house. The watch I wanted and asked for after last year me buying him a watch he gets her the watch for Valentine's or at least one like the one I wanted.
I'm embarrassed to say more. My husband feels that because I cheated 3 times yes I know LOL SMH during his 7 1/2 year bid that I deserve this. He says that no one said anything while I did what I did so why is it a problem that he does what he do.
Well the problem is that I would never cheat on him with him out here in this world helping me and being with me. Plus I never used him for the next person. No matter what when he needed me I have always been there I never moved on. Never put anyone other than our babies above them. I have always given in this relationship LOL.
I told him he should've told me last year that he met this woman again. Boy would things be different. One thing I am truly grateful for in not finding out till New Years Eve is my baby boy. I closed my eyes while riding one day and told him I see a son in my belly. I see the next Messiah. Wouldn't that be amazing? I told him I can feel it and I know he is going to be great.
I have to be on the road for great things so that I can set the stage for my babies. They have to know and see the sacrifice through me.
So as I write this I ask myself why am I still here? Why am I not tired yet? I want to be. I want to have him call and then just say whatever I'm not answering.
I want to be at the point where all I care about is the money that he brings to the table because boy don't I deserve it anyway. I have dedicated 13 years of my life to prison life and all he does is come home and show other women a good time. I should have not let him back in my bed again. I am shaking my head because I dare not tell close friends about this not at all. They're tired of him coming and going and me allowing it. They are tired of me falling for the lies over and over again. They hate that I hang on to the hope of the open comments and confused state he be in not wanting me but wanting no one else to have me.
I just have to learn to take things as they are without becoming stressed out anymore or being sad and miserable until I am in the position to put my foot down.
I had a good say until I got that phone call about him looking good and he has his woman looking good with matching kicks. I got pissed because he just told me he couldn't buy the car seat for the baby but he can buy him and his whore a pair of sneakers. Foul. Don't tell me you tight in money because you have to get my car out the shop when you buying footwear.
I have to say before I go anymore on the negative with ho that he does provide. He does make sure when I stay on him that we have the things that we need.
Joy Stealers They like to make me angry because he made them angry somehow. I found out who she was in the first place because someone told me.
At times I want to tell him who they are, but then I remember that he may continue to need them and his loyalty lies with someone else now. As long as no one tries to bring him harm or anything like that I'm good. I don't want to get in the way of him learning on his own.
I had a great day and it is still great. I will not let things that hear about him make my WHOLE day sour. It cuts however its what it is.
You nor anyone else will rob me of my joy.  

Making a 300 a Bently
Lmao. Sometimes really that's how you have to stop and look at it. The 300 cryslers are nice. Can't take anything away from em. You can put the rims on it to dress it up even more go get a different grill and all that and it's nice to ride. IT AINT AND NEVER WILL BE NO BENTLY. No matter how you dress it and make and build it up. What JoJo said? Once you've had the best you can't do better.
I guess that's also called loving the one you wit and not the one you want. That sucks.
It's ok. I am a top notch beautiful woman who cooks cleans and takes care of my children to the upmost ability and some.
I loose out on nothing. 

Ok as the founder of the blog I guess I can just do this things myself. My story is somewhat similar to NJoy's.
As I write you'll get to know me.
It's amazing how many blessings people choose to overlook. I am so caught up in what I don't have and the very few things that I want, that I can not c all that I do have. My vision I keep allowing to turn into nightmares cuz of what? A man? Really? Yes really.
:) I'm smiling because I am so very personal. I live writing all the time. I think poetry in my head as well as letters or speeches I should put on paper......
A dear friend of mine who I c now thinks the world of me, just stopped me in my tracks of uncovering more bad news and dirt on my husband. Who by the way I am currently separated from however he still calls the shots pretty much. What they say. I'm in love and he knows that but he uses the notion u pay to be the Boss. Lmao smh. Sad I know.
My supervisor stops me in my tracks and tells me to STOP and WAKEUP!!
All this motivational speaking I do for others has to spill into my soul. I have to hear it and know.
He tells me that I am this inspirational woman and DANG! Why am I so blind that I can not see that.
I am beautiful have a lil stomach but you can cook and clean and he tells you you are a great mother.
My supervisor tells me to stop and think for a second and just appreciate the fact that when I say that I am going to do something I make it happen. He told me he saw me manifest what comes out of my mouth many times over.
Other people are waiting to save money to have a plan and I have it in the bank. I'm approved and looking for a home right now while others are not even there. And this is my second home not the first one.
I really have to wake up. I have goals written down and I am following them but can not focus whole heartedly because I want someone else to love me the way I deserve to be loved. Held the way I deserved to be held and he is not and said he will not do that right now.
It's my choice to wait or put my foot down.
I am in the making of greatness. This here is just temporary. I'm told to look at what I have at my lowest. So really I can not imagine what my peak is. It's got to be nothing but greatness.
Ughhhhhh!!!! I scream from the pain and the burns of the fire. Eating crow and being humble is a huge practice and test of Faith and accountability and responsibility. Just eat crow until I get where I need to be. However I can not and will not stop living and loving me in the meanwhile.
The fire i feel is just the cleansing of all the rotten materials in me fire and heat kills it all. When I come out I will be a beautiful rock of gold.
I've been wanting to just spill out so here it is.
You can watch me through this struggle as a single mother conquering her pain heartaches struggles and accomplishing her goals. I can show you better than I can tell you.
I am asked for advise and motivation so here it is.
They say a Wise man can learn from others mistakes.
NJoy
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