That darrin lowery 'congratulations' is the shit. Jus makes me think. R stupid mistakes can b like planning a picnic in the rain. Wen u not having fun anymore u have to call it quits.

That Adele 'i won't go' is what it is. My Dad sed I always find myself going to the 'point of no return'. He is very right. Ur heart ain't meant for evybody. He tol me to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. Yes thats an old saying, and it is very so much true. Some deserve love others deserve jus a friendly word, and the rest need to see ur ass twitch, walking tward the othr direction of them. U cant treat all ppl the same.
U have to let go for good to come though. Men can't always b projects, arts and crafts lessons. Molding and changing them like clay. Trying to make a portrait that was alredy drawn in our heads. We have to keep wetting and smoothing and smoothing the clay wit rocks in it. Ok that's a lil drastic but the point is, you'll never make the actual like your distorted imagine in your mind.
It's like searching for God wit a pic in your hand. Now ur passing up anything outside of your narrow focus.
Destructive
Jamming and jamming trying to make that odd piece, trying to make that square fit in the tiny circular space.
We all want love to knock on our door, and say out loud 'here I am'. If it did that I gues though we wud say get outta here thinking it's not real or it's a hoax of some sort. Lol.
I wanna run. I wanna scream. I want this frustration to b gone. I want this confusion and misinterpreted loyalty to drip from my finger tips and wash away wit the rain. Drain. Cuz it's draining.
Holding on to a lot of things jus cuz I feel I have to. Just holding on cuz I gave my WORD. what is that anymore anyway.
Why is it too that u feel so good wen u attempt to make someone feel like u feel? Those that hurt u need to b taught a lesson. So y the hell can't u always c it. Wen u do c it. Ok pause.... Wen my dumb ass c it I start feelin bad and then I have to b taught anothr lesson. Shit. Ok. I guess I can finish reading this book I got.  'the honey moon is ovr' most marriages only mentally last that long huh. Lol.
Goodnight.
The twins and I had a nice time at the beach. Watching them play and watching them hav a good time. Distracted by what be will do. I kno he gonna b angry I dropped most is shit off at the spot. Where he say he b at all the time. Heheheheheheheheheeee!! To damn bad. The kids r bathed and sleep at 8:00. Good I can make it on my own. Jus gotta make it through the next month. Again. By NJoy

This is how u do ME. I watch u. U don't do nobody else like that. I don't deserve that. If u b a man of ur word I wouldn't have to always complain and nag a nigga out the door as u call it. I try evything to make u happy. I can't leave my comfort zone cuz u flake too much. Love me or leave me alone. Don't spend that $100 it wasn't yours or mine.

This is wwhat I have to txt him.
I laid $100 on the desser, I dont know how I forgot where it came from, but I did. I asked for $20 fom him, and didnt realize that he moved the money. Thinking that it was his money, I grabbed what I needed. He asks me before leaving the house, if i moved his money. i had no clue what he was talking about. This man make a long story short, ends up taking the money I needed, and spending it. Later that day (yea i'm slow), it donged on me. Damn, this nigga I swear i dont need this shit. This happen freakin a week ago. He hustle, and everybody can ask him for something but me. That's the main reason I told the owner of this blog not to post my name nor tell ppl who I am. Ppl will think I am dumb as hell. Ok rephrase that. They will know that I am dumb as hell.

Well I enjoyed myself today, had a blast. One thing I have been doin is making sure that I step outside the house looking good. I am not a small girl at all. The men was liking what they see though.
Men normally don't just ask for my number as soon as they meet or see me. They get to know me then start asking for my digits. Geat, I have a dashing personality. That's what that says to me.
I can take that, though.
I may have a ticket when i get home fom his ass too. I explained to him that I did not want to take cae of a dog. I feel bad fo the dog though, I ended up meetin hi half way taking care of the dog. She got taken by the pound today. He got pissed becuz she hopped the fence, and she's in heat. The woman in the back of us has golden retrievers, and her male dog was goin in. She was lettin him too. He had ssed last week, that he was gonna get rid of her if she hopped that fence too.
I know he was supposed to had been kicked out. I am afraid to let my Dad kno, I aledy know he gonna say worse things than I dont evr learn, and I can't wait to get a better ass kickin. Look at me. He has never lied.
Let me tell you what happen wen I kicked him out....
 I gues this is the amo I needed to kick his ass out since I cudnt b woman enough and jus make his ass leave cuz I jus sed so. Now they all told me i wud go through this wit his ass. Sure enough I am. I'm not sure if I'm ready to go through the same shit wen my husband comes home though.
Making him leave shud b easy being that I've known that I wud have to di this anyway. Since he has come into my life my car is depreciated, my pockets r emptier, my kids r attactched and I hate puttin my kids in the middle of anything.
Because I knew that it wud always come to this why does it hurt. I can't tell if I'm hurt cuz I love him or cuz my pride is still bruised. I've provided everything including the toilet paper he wipes his and blows his fuckin nose wit. WTF. How cud he not appreciated that? Dont blow the fact that I'm married up either. He brought that up one time too. I get to that n a minute.
So u kno I had called him 54 times. I kno cuz he sed that wen he came in. He took off last night, and didn't have the courtesy to come back. If he was at the spot he wud have woke up wen I called him at 6am this morn. Stressed as hell I keep callin. What did I do to him to do this? I'm sick now wit a cold from nursing him bak to good health. Waiting on him. I tol him wit him and the twins I have 3 kids.
He finally answers at 9, and I go in on his ass. Tellin him to bring me my shit now. He nonchalantly says "yea ima bring ur car. I'm on my way". Ok he sed he's on his way. He say it like he has no remorse no regard for keepin my shit. The car that I not he pays the note on. If he wants to do his thing jus tell me, giv me the opportunity to agree or disagree. Give me the opportunity to strap up with u. Dont use my shit to go c ur bitch.
In the meantime of waiting I feel like going to look for my car. I can't move, he got my purse and everything in there. No i.d. No nothing. He dont even keep his shit here at the house. He always broke leave it to him, he keeps turning his money around and playin wit it. Those who kno, kno what I mean.
Whatever
He doesn't come till close to 1pm. I met him outside, Screaming to him, hoping somehow he wud show some remourse and understand that he was jus wrong, I tell him to call a cab and not even bother comin in the house. He can grab all the clothes I packed and get gone. I stress to the twins to go back upstairs and play. I hate arguin in front of them. I can still c clear as day my mothers bruised and swollen eyes. He crying and being beatin held up against a window. Several times. I can c myself running to grab a knife and stop my mothers beating, from my own unkl.
I took my kids through that one time, and I sed that I wud never do it again. Their Dad choked the shit outta me on a visit. Long story, and I wasn't in the wrong I didnt think. I just wanted peace, and it was ovr someone being invited to the twins bday party. Build on that per request, or flashback.
 The moment the twins went back upstairs,  I smacked the living crap outta him wen he follows me  through the door. He has this crazed look on his face, and grabs me so I aim to slap him again. Grabbing my hands and folding them down to my sides, he embraces me and say "sorry".
What is "sorry"? Why are ppl always apologetic wen the damage has alredy been done?
I can't help myself.  I cry.
I cry from embarassment, I cry from hurt, I cry from lookin in his eyes and wanting and wishing that he did have some reason why he did what he did. Knowing he won't have a good explanation, my Mom knows, my grlfren knows, and my Dad knows. I look like an ass reguardless how my heart and or my emotions feel, I have to have him get his things and go.
Now I cry becuz I think this. There's no way this man jus disrespected me like this, and I feel remorse. I feel like I don't want him to go.
I hate how he makes me feel. What hold does he have on me? I get evything I want. I ahve been wanting him to come back to me, and I knew that was not a wise thing to ask for.
You do get what you want, just not always how you want it or in the form you want it in.
He forces me to the room, i am angry and the kids being upstairs I try once more to free myself, and smack him again. He can't get me to that bedroom.
He drags me to the room, and smacks me back.
"you know it turns me on wen u fight me like this right?".
He smacks me and takes his two fingers to my ribs and neck. "you know you turnig me on, how you like me smacking you back. Why wud I leave you leave you? why wud i mess ovr this good pussy? this pussy too good to me. I don't need to go out nowhere else. You help me out way too much. you make sure I am taken care of. Why wud I do that?".
Throughout the talk and the continuous anting of apologies, he tells me through my crys that he went to visit his brother in prison. As the lies penetrate, my cries bounce them back.
"Why the fuck is you still cryin!!!! You know what I'ma get some of this good pussy".
Ripping my clothes and he bites me and pulls my nipples hard. I thought they might come off. My screams bring the kids racing down stairs.
"Go upstairs babies we b out in a second".  He stops iting me for a second and notions me by pulling my hair to say somethiing to the kids. i tell them to please go upstairs and I b out in a sec we playin the Playstation game. They leave and he says while biting hard on arms and neck "you still cryin and that turns me on I tol you. Now you have something to cry for"
I try not to scream, but I have to cry.
I watch him and try to kick him as he forms his lips to spit and bring moisture to my private space. He spits and rams in still a lil dry.

I can't tell wat really hurts. My feelings, him still biting my arms my breast and nipples, or my vagina.
"u still wann cry and make noise?" grabbing my neck and pumping hard he presses his body weight around my neck. The fight is ovr. Tears fall as I replay me askin for him to come back. My desperate pleas explain to me the lengths ppl go in desperation. As he continues to pump and thrust and enjoy my hot cove the juices lubricate without my permission. 
"I love you. Pussy this good Joy u really think I'ma let this up. Ughmmmmm u take care of me. You care for u family u a good girl. This pussy so good why wud I need to fuck someone else?". 
Harder than he has evr felt he piks his pace back up and continues to thrust. He pushes till he feels the knock of my walls. His manhood bangs and bangs and all I can wonder is my kids and how cud he b doing this to me. I ask him please stop and tell him to think about the kids. My crying and weakness musta felt good he sucked my toes and bit my calves. Biting my ankles he stops to not cum and repositions my legs for a better grip. He begins to taste, tickling his to tongue and squeezing my breast I tried one las time to kick him in the face. His hand mashed my face to the bed and for real this time I called it quits. 

Pushing far inside my womb as he cud go I felt his pulsing. I felt the gush and jus prayed silently through my cries that I wudnt get pregnant by him again. 
I jus laid there as he stayed on top of me planting heart felt kisses as if nothing happened. "u can say I raped u. I really needed to release and u really needed to rease too. All this nut on my shirt from u, u can't say u didn't enjoy it a lil bit.". 
I just laid there, thinking of othr men who hV taken advantage of me. The twins came down again and he let me up, tol them they cud come in. I quickly grabbed the bunched comforter to cover my naked bottom half. They ran to kiss me. Loving them, I hugged them and tol them to go back and play jus for a lil while longer. They run to kiss and hug him as well, and he tells them he hasn't brushed his teeth yet. Persistant to the only othr man they hav been around and watched their mother love, they jump and shower kisses all ovr his bold head instead. I just watch. 
I am no longer the victim, as I fight no more, argue no more and jus take another shower. Wen I get out, he says there is something about my wet body, and he's redy for round 2 so that we can shower togethr. 
Blah blah blah. The shit I go for. I wish I knew karate. I turn evything I to a joke. 
Looking at all these bruises, my arms breast and shoulder and neck line purple and green. He bit the shit outta me. I had slipped the key off his key ring that while he showered. He noticed later and jus sed for me to call cuz he leavin his shit right there. That's the flash back. 

A new day, I am callin the spot and he is not there I dropped some of his things off at the spot and sent him aong text message. It's got to b ovr. It's crazy that I don't want it to b. NJoy