A Slave To My Emotions

I have truly been fighting these urges. The urge to be wild and free. To go out and just b carefree. Don't ask. LOL I have no clue what is goin on. My mother and my mother-in-law say it's what I'm goin through with my husband. All I know is I hope it is just a phase.
Can someone just quickly tell me I'm beautiful and say they wanna do all the things to make me smile and I just feel better?!
Yea I know the answer already. It ain't  gonna make a diff. The man I'd like to hear that from has long since been occupied and content making other women feel better. Boosting the next bitch ego is his expertise now. LOL
U c what I mean my ass is drowning on and off in my own feelings.
I wrote a poem in my head on it in the shower yesterday. Can't remember how it went for nothing. 

My son is just too handsome. All I went through I am so thankful he is normal and healthy. O yea and spoiled.

Well the title says it all for me. That is how I feel. I can say my body feels a lot better than it has. i'm sore still however I am healing.
 

Sitting home. Alone. Again. LOL
It's not so bad though. This is another day my husband has been being really nice. He tried to do things the right way today. Our son had his doctor appointment at the last minute. His lil belly button is still draining. Stains his undershirts up. At first all he could do is follow us so he can carry the car seat up. Surprisingly he stayed.
It's amazing how this was more important than what he had to do. That's not normal. smh lol
I think honestly he jus thought it be better to wait than to leave and come back. Plus he really this time around sees a glimpse of being there for everything for his son. I think. I really don't know. You know how it can be sometimes. You really want something and you begin to see it that way rather it is or is not that way at all. I know that is how it is. Don't wanna be like that. I do clearly see a change. I just don't know what for and what the reason is. I note to self that I will enjoy it while it last. The good and peaceful parts. He still is not doing what he supposed to, however he is not causing me the hell that he was before. We could be here arguing all the time and fighting. Which I then really loose because there is not much I can do right now.
Well, I will take it one day at a time.
I am beyond sleepy, watching Grimlins. Dozing as I type. Ok I guess I will have to fill you in another day.
Peace Feels SOOOOOOOO Good
NJoy

I would very much so like to write about more than just the things that I am goin through with my so called husband.
That's all that is really goin on right now. My little man is beautiful. My girls are playing and fussing as they always do. LOL
He has been nicer I must say since the birth of our son. The way he talks I mean. He does not always answer his phone, and he still stays gone and throws his responsibilities off on someone else. He believes because he pays them to help in his place that makes things better. It doesn't. Its so amazing that he cant see the obvious. He thinks because maybe he cheats on me with someone whose face is as pretty as mine is ok.
I just can't wait. I don't even wanna write it down in fear of jinxing. LOL
What I will say is I can not wait to gain my independence back. My body looks a lot better than it did just yesterday. I feel better getting up and down the stairs....... I feel pain sometimes, I still have to move slow however I feel 10x's better. I don't feel as ugly as I did yesterday. I have been looking in the mirror and having to tell myself 'this too will pass'.
It's funny I tried to tell my girl when all your focus is away from home, those flings die and your home is looking elsewhere.
The fever to be loved and touched on burns in me. I want to feel that again. I want a man to walk behind me as I fix his plate and tell me he got it. Tap my ass and tell me to go sit down and he'll fix his babies plates as well.
I want to be kissed on the back of my neck and rubbed down my cheeks. I figure if I say it enough it'll happen. I mean my Dad kept telling me to fall back and relax and just let things be and things would get better. I can say that they have, although he still sleeps around. Just a minute ago before leaving was the second time since my early pregnancy had he kissed me on the lips. he asked for it. I was reluctant, just not used to him calling constantly and calling me babe and baby and honey.
Well..........
I'll just sit and relax because there is nothing else I can do.
  

I hear the same songs play over and over again in my head. Marsha Ambrosius her voice and ranges I love it.
These constant mood swings and changes are just crazy. A man can never imagine all the emotional and physical changes the woman's body goes through.
Even myself as I laugh. I know better. I know, however it so often jus gets the best of me. You are what you say you are and where you are in life. That is why it is beyond amazing trying to share your reality with someone who just does not want to see it.
So often I have made myself used to just doing what I have to and not what I want to. I finally took a deep breathe and I should not have exhaled yet. I laid down my swords and the war was not over. I made myself comfortable not cause of what I could see when my eyes closed, and not because of what all was transpiring around me, but because I I I I I I I I thought I deserved to be able to.
As these tears make their way down my face, I hear my girls joyful play in the tub, and I feel the soreness of my breast and think of the son upstairs that I have always wanted and prayed for.
My knight and shining armor may have not come like I thought, however I did get the greatest beings that I had wanted and wanted from no one else on the planet. Just being honest. No matter how much pain he has taken me through all these years I would not have been satisfied. All this pain I still feel I needed because I would not have understood when enough is enough otherwise.
One of my greatest fears in life was to be like my mother and grandmother. I even watched my great grandmother be with someone for what they all say was just companionship. Life is too short to not be happy, and to be lured and mistaken by the things that you think should be making you happy. LOL
WE work till we are 65 most of us. Most decease at 73 average. That's not a lot of time in between. I know that two people with the same goals can work together and make things work in harmony. That's pretty much all I want now. I just want my babies to see me smile more than frown. This is what they see right now. Me unhappy and trying to change someone who I have heard from his own mouth that no matter what I do he will not treat me any different.
So when he is finally back from his long trips, his family is the last stop that he makes. Never the first. No matter how much he and disappoints these little faces I love so much. I guess that what stings the most. I never thought he would be like this. I did not know him.
Soon though he will he doesn't know me either.
I confided in him first that I do not want to have my children go through the sad faces. I don't want them to see me do nothing as I know that he comes home from another woman's bed. How can I do that to them? My daughters, I will not be able to tell them anything. They are to never see me in this weak state. I know how I look at my models to be a woman. My babies deserve a good home, seeing my happy face, and a male role model that wants to run around the house with my 3 babies.
It's fall, and the winds are high right now. They have kites and would love to have someone else spend quality time. That time is so much more important than anything else on the earth.
People that do too much really don't understand that when life wears you down and makes you stop running, you HAVE to be still. In that stillness you can see everything. Your present, your past, and what you want to manifest in your future.
ok.........
Cut short by the family. Lol he yells to me that the baby is hungry and the girls run downstairs with their fancy lil clothes they have picked out lol. My peace to write has been paused by better demands.
Ugh!!!!!
I hear my babies in the kitchen trying to get his attention before he leaves. He be in such a zone he can't even hear them speak to him. They are pretending to be chefs while they make their Nutella sandwiches. I didn't make the turkey bacon. I hear the youngest sadly say he doesn't care and my oldest says so mommy does. Ughhhhhhh
O Well. Jus that quick me asking him to bring my prince down, his all day away from home starts.
My oldest goes I wish we could live in a box Mom so he wont have a reason not to spend so much time with us. That was  a very long convo.
 

Mmmmmmmmmm

I can feel it slowly but surely the old me slipping her way back in to take over. Can't wait. This pain I feel I can rid myself of. I've waited and now I know what I have or have had. SMH LOL
It's crazy how life's activities and the choices that we make for whatever reason change things. I have three beautiful children now, marriage practically over, 13 years or so of my life have been jus stagnation. I've stopped myself from growing turned down opportunities that I could have well benefitted from. But Ahhhhhhh the shouldda woulda coulddda's   Y bother. Time is now and this moment is what my lungs breathe in to keep me moving. Can't live in the past. Besides the future is what I make it to be. Again as my body heals and my heart freezes, the notion of surviving and caring soley for mine takes over.
I just tell myself even though I feel ugly I am not. I'm not. I am beautiful. Even though my husband saying it feels like wedding bells and gold rain at the same time, I don't need it from him. How many people say what he won't say? Well, won't say to me lmao.

I just can't wait. I breath hard just thinking. The idea of a man just touching the side of my face. That soft touch, you know that touch I'm talking about. That touch of admiration and I can just see the lust in his eyes for me beyond the stare. He wants to take me in. I want kissing me. I don't normally like to kiss. However I want to be kissed. I want to rubbed down my arms and my neck. I wanna burn and beg for him not to stop. I wanna beg for it through my eyes, as he ignores me and makes me wait anyway. I wanna feel the heat from his breath from my lips as his tongue lightly traces my jaw line and finds that spot on the back of my neck. I want to feel his warm kisses down my neck as those kisses are planted lower and lower they send chills throughout my spine. 

Soon my day is coming.......

NJoy

Well it's amazing how time changes things. It really does. Time is this element made real by man in the mind. It's all pschogical yet it has such an impact on us.
It's really sad however on the flip when time doesn't change things. For the good I guess. I say this all the time..... 'in life every choice you have is yours. Every decision u make comes with consequence as well though. Rather good or bad consequence that belongs to u. Lol
Ok well my husband came home finally. After all these years. His first week was beautiful. He got the feel for waking with his babies, and he enjoyed me to an extent. I hate lying and wondering when dark secrets will come out. So being sloppy and careless as usual I lefty I gs out to b found. He has been making me pay for it ever since.
Now that I am 6 months pregnant and out of wrk he has been acting better. Guess cuz I used to toss the notion that I don't need anyone.
He asked me to have a baby, sed that would make things better for our marriage. We be stopped yelling and screaming and trying to choke me out every weekend lol. That was crazy. I would try to run. He would drink on Friday and start going crazy on me the whole weekend.
Well blah blah blah all that I'll have to get to it flash backs I guess.
Back to now. He waits till I get pregnant he's sooooo happy all of a sudden then he jus goes off and Waits till I am 3-4 months and says he doesn't wanna wrk it out and I've done too much. What kinda shit is that. Smh. I explained to him it's not me and the things I've done while he was locked up, it's him jus not wanting to do what he wants do to do when and how he wants too. Same thing he sed and did when I was pregnant with the twins. I got pregnant he thought noone wanted me and he was a mess. Horrible mess. Told me we got marrie too young and he wants to b with as many women as he wants to.  Oh well.
Now I have my son finally. Can't wait to name him. Can't wait to c him and get to know him. I feel him moving and it gives me strength to know that I am going to b ok.
With or without him.
Well I have heads to do and have to start focusing on this growing boys future already. I have been so distracted. Trying to prove something I shud not have to prove at all. I am good woman and beautiful and strong. My children prove that. They r brilliant and spiked and annoying lmao.
Hit on the blog tomarrow.
NJoy