Images and daydreams of what I want and what I wud like things to b keep echoing endlessly and relentlesy through any still moment i have throughout the day. Staying focused is hard.
My mind and my spirit crave somethings that I can not have. That's crazy.
I remember kissing hims down his and his neck. They r so similar and so much different. I want that perfect picture and that perfect mindset. Myself I mus train. Jus gotta train my thoughts to b even and focused.
I jus interrupted this thought because I jus heard in my head the brakes get pumped hard. Yea I heard that eeeerk the screaching sound.
A the years I have been dealing with the same ppl doing the same ignorant things. That includes me as well. So that means that I have to do something about that.
What? I sleep on it. by NJoy
Saturday, May 28, 2011
The sex was ruff and I can't get it out of my head. The visions of him and how he makes me feel. Then I have to go back to thinking bout how got damn slick his ass thought he cud b not even 10 mins befor we made it to the bed.
I don't know why he actually thought that I wud jus forget, and then b ok. No dick is that good.
His phone rang. He figured out that it is sonmuch easier to jus answer and try to play it off rather than to let keep ringing.
He goes in the bathroom and acts like he gotta take a shit. So I start talking loud through the bathroom door. I can jus picture his ass on the other side of door thinking he is getting away with something. Being that he is not far from 40 I kno he got a few tricks under his belt. Women don't see stuff cause they jus dont want to. We as women are blessed with a far better sense of knowing.
Intuition
He answers my questions, and I continue to be loud. Why? I know I shouldn't have to go through this. I had been telling him he needs to find a place of his own. Not be with another woman but on His own. Mayb then we get along better. I wud like a key to His place. I like nothing more than a man that doesn't need me for no more than jus Me. Its annoying sometimes coaching him to get his own things together I jus wonder why his ex grlfren didnt c it that way either.
Back to what's going on. This is funny he actually hangs up asks me did I find his bracelet yet. Delighted I have a motive rather than jus senseless talkin, and following him around.
I go back to my room as if nothing happened, and continue to look for his bracelet or pretend to.
This nigga phone ring and he tells her "hold on bae". I come out the room and ask if he's talkin to me and asks him to repeat himself. His phone is gone. I kno he had his phone my ass ain't crazy. Why this nigga turn around and I c it in his back pocket. So naturally I start talkin loud callin him baby and all that. This nigga keeps walkin toward the porch like he bout to smoke a cigarette.
Wait till he closes the door, and gives him a cupl more minutes to pull his fuckin phone back out. He does. I open the door and start blasting him. He got this dumb ass look on his face like he don't kno what the hell to say. I scream and ask him why the hell is he sneakin to talk on the phone. That dumb ass look still glued to his face jus burned me. He tries then to claim he isn't sneakin onthe phone and that I need to chill out blah blah blah. He is always kickin that. Tryin to flip it every chance he gets.
The nigga pulls a Keven Hart on me, u kno the part of the joke where his grl catches him in the car wit somebody and he flips it, screams loud that she ways leaves the microwave on hi and walks off. He goes to the car. I go bak in the house and go through the other the door, and meet him at the car. He hangs up the phone quick wen i pull open the car door screaming. Yea I kno that is jus too much. Don't u hate wen u don't have hard freaking evidence? I kno shit ain't right. Y he so dumb gonna tell me wen I tell him I kno what he up to. U can imagine the usual cuss out. "u on the phone wit a bitch! I kno it's a bitch cuz....". Yea too much then he half confesses. As if I really gonna stick to buying that. Y am I still here though? Accepting wat he sed rather I belive it or not, I guess says something about me. Y do I continue to deal? The sex is great but not that great.
Sometimes I think its cuz of all my baggage. There r a few things that I am not redy to let go of yet. Not until i c if He my husband can come home from prison and do the right thing.
Yea I kno. Didn't kno if I cud admit to that or not. Thought I wud sound like a whore. Or something on those lines. Ppl can sAy wat they want.
This is my life and what I need is ppl that can add onto it and not continue to take away.
That all for the night. By NJoy
I don't know why he actually thought that I wud jus forget, and then b ok. No dick is that good.
His phone rang. He figured out that it is sonmuch easier to jus answer and try to play it off rather than to let keep ringing.
He goes in the bathroom and acts like he gotta take a shit. So I start talking loud through the bathroom door. I can jus picture his ass on the other side of door thinking he is getting away with something. Being that he is not far from 40 I kno he got a few tricks under his belt. Women don't see stuff cause they jus dont want to. We as women are blessed with a far better sense of knowing.
Intuition
He answers my questions, and I continue to be loud. Why? I know I shouldn't have to go through this. I had been telling him he needs to find a place of his own. Not be with another woman but on His own. Mayb then we get along better. I wud like a key to His place. I like nothing more than a man that doesn't need me for no more than jus Me. Its annoying sometimes coaching him to get his own things together I jus wonder why his ex grlfren didnt c it that way either.
Back to what's going on. This is funny he actually hangs up asks me did I find his bracelet yet. Delighted I have a motive rather than jus senseless talkin, and following him around.
I go back to my room as if nothing happened, and continue to look for his bracelet or pretend to.
This nigga phone ring and he tells her "hold on bae". I come out the room and ask if he's talkin to me and asks him to repeat himself. His phone is gone. I kno he had his phone my ass ain't crazy. Why this nigga turn around and I c it in his back pocket. So naturally I start talkin loud callin him baby and all that. This nigga keeps walkin toward the porch like he bout to smoke a cigarette.
Wait till he closes the door, and gives him a cupl more minutes to pull his fuckin phone back out. He does. I open the door and start blasting him. He got this dumb ass look on his face like he don't kno what the hell to say. I scream and ask him why the hell is he sneakin to talk on the phone. That dumb ass look still glued to his face jus burned me. He tries then to claim he isn't sneakin onthe phone and that I need to chill out blah blah blah. He is always kickin that. Tryin to flip it every chance he gets.
The nigga pulls a Keven Hart on me, u kno the part of the joke where his grl catches him in the car wit somebody and he flips it, screams loud that she ways leaves the microwave on hi and walks off. He goes to the car. I go bak in the house and go through the other the door, and meet him at the car. He hangs up the phone quick wen i pull open the car door screaming. Yea I kno that is jus too much. Don't u hate wen u don't have hard freaking evidence? I kno shit ain't right. Y he so dumb gonna tell me wen I tell him I kno what he up to. U can imagine the usual cuss out. "u on the phone wit a bitch! I kno it's a bitch cuz....". Yea too much then he half confesses. As if I really gonna stick to buying that. Y am I still here though? Accepting wat he sed rather I belive it or not, I guess says something about me. Y do I continue to deal? The sex is great but not that great.
Sometimes I think its cuz of all my baggage. There r a few things that I am not redy to let go of yet. Not until i c if He my husband can come home from prison and do the right thing.
Yea I kno. Didn't kno if I cud admit to that or not. Thought I wud sound like a whore. Or something on those lines. Ppl can sAy wat they want.
This is my life and what I need is ppl that can add onto it and not continue to take away.
That all for the night. By NJoy
The hot water was soothing. The kids crying and moaning in the background is normal, I already kno the routine so why don't they?
I jus need to relax. Let this hot water and steam message out all this tension. I have to stop. Jus STOP for one minute thnking about all the fucked up choices I have made. Can't change it anyway. It's jus too bad that it feels as if I never learn from the mistakes I make.
Mayb it is self-esteem. I think it's jus me being too damn nice. I hate hurting other ppl feelings, they never seem to mind to hurt mine or tell it jus like it is when the shoe is on the other foot though. They do as they please. I'm not jus talking bout a man I deal wit either. Although, that is the bulk of my problem. For instance why can't I jus take things for what they are. I'm sitting in this tub, wishin like hell that the kids will jus b good trained kids for one night and take they butts to sleep. I'm hopin that wen he walks through the door he has more than a cupl things to make me smile.
He comes and sits to talk, empty handed. Don't misunderstand. He jus always says what he will do and I never c anything. That drives me crazy.
He sits on the toilet and talks about his day. Tells me what he didn't mean and whatevr else. I've seen him on othr ppl bdays go and buy gifts. My baby bday. Nothin he has told me all that he is gonna get me for mothers day and here it is a month later I haven't gotten that yet either. U offered so dont say what u will do.
Another goes by and here I have called him 10 times and he won't pick up. He walks through the door, and quick on his feet tells me the ringer was off blah blah blah. He called me about a half hour later, he called a good few times and I didn't bother to answer. He calls someone that can call me I ignore that person as well. How does he like to b ignored. The only thing I can do is ignore his call and look extra good. Mayb I don't look extra good anymore wit the few EXTra pounds i had put on. This is crazy. He comes talkin bout he will put the kids to sleep. He kno I was mad but he really needed me to grab his p for him. Aftr he had ignored my calls he feels it's ok to even come at me wit the he need me and use me thing. What doesn't he get? Ok the real Q is what dont I get?
I need to b looking at myself and figuring what the hell it is about me that makes ppl feel like they can say and do whatevr. I have been trying to get that for a while. My Dad says that I hav no standards. I have to set standards and set boundaries.
Ok the problem is.... We all kno from those who hav read my writing b4 that I am married. No the man that I am talkin bout is not my husband. He is in prison. I wanna do the right, what's the right thing? Mayb that's enuf for now. Idk I am always self conscious of what othr ppl think. I put up a good front, no one evr really knows that. I mean u can't tell. I understand that a lot o things are jus how u view it, and that helps me out a lot.by NJoy
I jus need to relax. Let this hot water and steam message out all this tension. I have to stop. Jus STOP for one minute thnking about all the fucked up choices I have made. Can't change it anyway. It's jus too bad that it feels as if I never learn from the mistakes I make.
Mayb it is self-esteem. I think it's jus me being too damn nice. I hate hurting other ppl feelings, they never seem to mind to hurt mine or tell it jus like it is when the shoe is on the other foot though. They do as they please. I'm not jus talking bout a man I deal wit either. Although, that is the bulk of my problem. For instance why can't I jus take things for what they are. I'm sitting in this tub, wishin like hell that the kids will jus b good trained kids for one night and take they butts to sleep. I'm hopin that wen he walks through the door he has more than a cupl things to make me smile.
He comes and sits to talk, empty handed. Don't misunderstand. He jus always says what he will do and I never c anything. That drives me crazy.
He sits on the toilet and talks about his day. Tells me what he didn't mean and whatevr else. I've seen him on othr ppl bdays go and buy gifts. My baby bday. Nothin he has told me all that he is gonna get me for mothers day and here it is a month later I haven't gotten that yet either. U offered so dont say what u will do.
Another goes by and here I have called him 10 times and he won't pick up. He walks through the door, and quick on his feet tells me the ringer was off blah blah blah. He called me about a half hour later, he called a good few times and I didn't bother to answer. He calls someone that can call me I ignore that person as well. How does he like to b ignored. The only thing I can do is ignore his call and look extra good. Mayb I don't look extra good anymore wit the few EXTra pounds i had put on. This is crazy. He comes talkin bout he will put the kids to sleep. He kno I was mad but he really needed me to grab his p for him. Aftr he had ignored my calls he feels it's ok to even come at me wit the he need me and use me thing. What doesn't he get? Ok the real Q is what dont I get?
I need to b looking at myself and figuring what the hell it is about me that makes ppl feel like they can say and do whatevr. I have been trying to get that for a while. My Dad says that I hav no standards. I have to set standards and set boundaries.
Ok the problem is.... We all kno from those who hav read my writing b4 that I am married. No the man that I am talkin bout is not my husband. He is in prison. I wanna do the right, what's the right thing? Mayb that's enuf for now. Idk I am always self conscious of what othr ppl think. I put up a good front, no one evr really knows that. I mean u can't tell. I understand that a lot o things are jus how u view it, and that helps me out a lot.by NJoy
Life hets better with each lesson learned. No one tells how because no one is making a movie of our life. If they were we'd be able to see just how much we've grown from life's lessons. One point to look for. Check how much we appreciate the simple things we once would have taken for granted.When we can set aside those issues which only take away form us, awww how great life really is......
PEACE. John Norris
PEACE. John Norris
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