The drunk

So he got angry with me today becuz he found out I showed the pictures of him after he fell out cold onto the kitchen floor with just his drawers and wet marks from kids in them.
Yes. Disgusting. I heard him outside fumbling around but I didn't know what he was doing.
This is the text I sent to him : Please be careful. You will take all I have u drink and drive. And our kids will suffer baby.
7:37 then I text : Home is where u can always run to when everyone else turns they back. When everyone else stuntin and frontin when they could do more and they don't. Home is your backbone and home proven no matter what u do it's doors r always open cuz of love. Nothin else. Home gives and gives so please don't damage or harm that. I love u. B safe ~ Home

He calls after that at 9:30 and says he is on his way and blah blah blah.
I'm a bit if a wreck but I don't call. U don't wanna nag and be arguin when he gets in so I'm pretty much just up. He's alredy wrecked 2 other rentals actually 3 including the one he kicked the door so hard he had to get another rental to take that to a shop to get the dent out and get painted.
Well I think he's outside, and he's actually passed out for a few on the steps. He hit the concrete so hard he had to get 3 stitches in his lip. Crazy. I just stayed in bed. Hoped my son didn't wake and u just prayed he fell sleep upstairs away from us. He tries the grab the baby when he has been drinking and my little man has me in him. He can sense the damn evil in him from the liquor lol. He just cries so I moved my lil man to the other side of the bed and sed I wud argue till he fell sleep or buy time till he goes out. He finally makes it in I hear another boom from his fall then the kitchen he goes and falls out straight back. I don't leave my bed until I can hear him snore. That let me know it's safe.
I ck for my keys and just figured he left them in the car I'll wake early I tell myself to look for them.
He comes downstairs later when he wakes still drunk stumbling an I hear piss. I creep up to see where and he has his dick in the laundry sink swaying back and forth taking a puss. Smh. Just disgusting and his pissy grown ass stumbles back upstairs to cut light off and then stumbles down and crawls into bed and passes out.
A sigh of relief leaves my chest cuz he can not get angry sleeping.
I'm good till it's time for me to b off to wrk. We couldn't wake him up I had to throw ice cold water on him. Then he woke up. He was still stuck. He sed I am. I'm gonna get up. U look for your keys he told me. I yell now. I pore more water on him n then he gets up.
I guess he's mad. He told me it's  my fault. I just asked him to get his things n leave.
As of write now. I feel great just becuz my son does has the soft sweet hands so warm and all.

First day back at work and my knee SWOLE just a little.
Can't believe he did that to me. He really hurt my knee after alredy jumpin on me at my moms. Lucky the twins and baby were gone with his mother to the park. He was crazy drunk at 5pm. I don't know why he gets so angry with me the way he does. I mean I did get nasty on the phone and tel him I was tired of takin his crap. I sed was gettin a boyfriend and there's nothin he can do about it.
His mom came to get the kids out the blue and I guess he thought I wanted alone time to really so somethin. He asked me to get the keys and leave my mothers. I loose my keys all the time. Every morning we all look for the keys.
He just swung and jumped on me all of a sudden. Outta nowhere. Started choking me and as I fought back he pushed me slammin my head to the floor. Then he just kept choking me and fallin my neck my mom and grandmother would push him away and he was back at me again. Shuv to the floor then choking me. When he would not let me go my grandma took a lamp an banged him with it. It wasn't till the third blow which drew blood as his white meat came through. He snatched the lamp from her and we pushed him he broke the glass window to the front door.
As he stood on the porch he screamed for me to give him the keys. I quikly hid them and he goes outside with all the neighbors there and screams he made me I b nothin. He cuttin me off. Fuck u bitch all this and kicks the side if the rental door.
Just horrible.
For no reason. I just kept wondering what I did wrong and what I sed wrong. Why would he violently attack me like that.
I ran trying to get away. Went to pack my things to go to a home and he got there before I coupl leave. He tried taking my kids and when he tried taking my son I stood in his way. He grabbed my neck choking me down the stairs. When I couldn't fall down anymore stairs he plied pressure as I screamed with my knee bent to the side cuz I fell on it wrong and he just wouldn't stop choking me with my son screaming for me only a year old one of the twins came and screamed for me. He finally stopped as she helped me up. I could barely walk.
I made it to the car. Got all my kids. He wouldn't let me get my nephew though. I looked at my swollen knee my burning throat and chest and reversed almost hitting him with the car.
I backed up and sped forward again his mother jumped in front of him and she fell over hoping that I would stop when I saw her protecting her son.
She slapped me as she rose from the ground screaming "u have ya kids in the car for Godsakes. My Baby sister is laying in the hospital fighting for her life and y'all actin insane like this. They don't hav a steady father they need u fool"
I drove off......
As I walked the floors of that hard job I just had thoughts of why my leg hurt so bad.
He has called bout 6 times alredy. I am whooped.
Well the first day went fast.
Homely tomorw does too. 

Today went by in a slow pace. Had to take some shoes back to BCBG. That store had my mouth drop. A few things I liked.
I told my husband this morning when he sed I need to watch my spending that he doesn't pay me enough. Lol. Sometimes I just feel cheated. Lmao.
It's not funny but whatever. Here's a poem.

I get angry at the little things
I get angry and let out all those big things
Those things that have been bothering me
Festering with me.
I get flash backs of his abuse his cheating his inconsistencies constantly
He reminds me of his flaws that have left scars in my heart and open wounds in my mind
In time
I tell myself will heal.
In time all that pain I will no longer feel
And then
His consistency becomes his inconsistencies all over again
Repeating his story history with no remorse or care for me
He's sent me to mental therapy
I'm laughing becuz I was mandated to take my stress and my life as from the outside falling apart seriously
I look in the mirror and ask myself
Why can't I figure it out with the equation being ohhhhh so easy
We do what makes sense right?
I don't know what makes sense
I want to believe him
I want to have faith in him
I want him to love me like he acts like he loves him
Yup. Himself lol
Sometimes I think I'm jealous of him
I think I'm jealous cuz I can't do the things he do how he DO him

It seems the more I give my all
The harder I ride the more I risk the more he goes commando.
The more I give the more he asks me to give all and I get bills paid lol
Is that all I'm worth?
My rent? And him taking care of HIS KIDS?
He says he loves me thas y I drive this pretty Mercedes Benz......
I give my all. I cook. I play clean up
I think and I create and I dream for two not just for me
My inbox gets full and some days I don't want to ignore them
The inquiries as to 'can I get close to u?' get temptin
I get tired of sayin 'I'm sorry I'm taken'
The reply is 'I wouldn't know by the ring you're not wearin'
Yes I'm laughin.
Cuz when I too say 'my husband'
They look at my bare finger and look around like I always c her alone.
All these beautiful relationships I'm seeing
Embarrassed of being out in public or being me and doing one of my speeches and a woman's voice snickers from the crowd and laughs at the advice I'm givin
Cuz she knows When my bed is empty at night lets me know she gettin
What My HUSBAND is givin
But I'm steady giving.
Giving myself and my all and I hear men that are single say they searching
Cuz I am what they r wishing
But I want Him to be wishing he could make me smile for every tear he has had drop and
Make me laugh for every pain he has caused and
Even pain he has not
Cuz he can't stand that my heart has tatted painful memories and scorns all over bleeding when things trigger
I really thought he wud erase and take away all my pain
I hear what the men outside be rappin and
I wish I was gullible and not as smart and even in most cases smarter than them
So their arms I could fall right in

I be wantin to be bad
But my mistakes from the past
Gave me lessons and my babies have given me a new perspective.
My new knowings and understandings won't let me
I am done beating myself up for me fallen weak for my poor decisions and hurtful deception
No matter my reasons
I don't know y I'm scared to change.
Fearing the X lol
My knowledge of self and knowing who I am hide away
I fear even though I foresee most things
A blessing from my abuelita
But then a curse cuz I KNOW
I choose to ignore.
I even empathically feel
I feel and  it hurts so y have I not left?
I've been alone for many years
Do I just yearn for punishment?
Or is these thoughts the first step of the changing?
They say the process is thought word and then it forms
And mayb then I will take action
I keep hoping in the process he changes to keep me from leaving
The beautiful thing is I know once I am gone
I will not care what efforts he takes anymore or how he feels or any thoughts on the matter period.
Just thoughts of me


Now I'm doin what I love. My three babies and I r havin movie night at home. We made buffalo wing dip turkey pepperoni and grapes. No popcorn. Lol
Things I go through r just that. I am glad I have a mind that allows me the opp to escape the pain I feel

NJoy