Today went by in a slow pace. Had to take some shoes back to BCBG. That store had my mouth drop. A few things I liked.
I told my husband this morning when he sed I need to watch my spending that he doesn't pay me enough. Lol. Sometimes I just feel cheated. Lmao.
It's not funny but whatever. Here's a poem.
I get angry at the little things
I get angry and let out all those big things
Those things that have been bothering me
Festering with me.
I get flash backs of his abuse his cheating his inconsistencies constantly
He reminds me of his flaws that have left scars in my heart and open wounds in my mind
In time
I tell myself will heal.
In time all that pain I will no longer feel
And then
His consistency becomes his inconsistencies all over again
Repeating his story history with no remorse or care for me
He's sent me to mental therapy
I'm laughing becuz I was mandated to take my stress and my life as from the outside falling apart seriously
I look in the mirror and ask myself
Why can't I figure it out with the equation being ohhhhh so easy
We do what makes sense right?
I don't know what makes sense
I want to believe him
I want to have faith in him
I want him to love me like he acts like he loves him
Yup. Himself lol
Sometimes I think I'm jealous of him
I think I'm jealous cuz I can't do the things he do how he DO him
It seems the more I give my all
The harder I ride the more I risk the more he goes commando.
The more I give the more he asks me to give all and I get bills paid lol
Is that all I'm worth?
My rent? And him taking care of HIS KIDS?
He says he loves me thas y I drive this pretty Mercedes Benz......
I give my all. I cook. I play clean up
I think and I create and I dream for two not just for me
My inbox gets full and some days I don't want to ignore them
The inquiries as to 'can I get close to u?' get temptin
I get tired of sayin 'I'm sorry I'm taken'
The reply is 'I wouldn't know by the ring you're not wearin'
Yes I'm laughin.
Cuz when I too say 'my husband'
They look at my bare finger and look around like I always c her alone.
All these beautiful relationships I'm seeing
Embarrassed of being out in public or being me and doing one of my speeches and a woman's voice snickers from the crowd and laughs at the advice I'm givin
Cuz she knows When my bed is empty at night lets me know she gettin
What My HUSBAND is givin
But I'm steady giving.
Giving myself and my all and I hear men that are single say they searching
Cuz I am what they r wishing
But I want Him to be wishing he could make me smile for every tear he has had drop and
Make me laugh for every pain he has caused and
Even pain he has not
Cuz he can't stand that my heart has tatted painful memories and scorns all over bleeding when things trigger
I really thought he wud erase and take away all my pain
I hear what the men outside be rappin and
I wish I was gullible and not as smart and even in most cases smarter than them
So their arms I could fall right in
I be wantin to be bad
But my mistakes from the past
Gave me lessons and my babies have given me a new perspective.
My new knowings and understandings won't let me
I am done beating myself up for me fallen weak for my poor decisions and hurtful deception
No matter my reasons
I don't know y I'm scared to change.
Fearing the X lol
My knowledge of self and knowing who I am hide away
I fear even though I foresee most things
A blessing from my abuelita
But then a curse cuz I KNOW
I choose to ignore.
I even empathically feel
I feel and it hurts so y have I not left?
I've been alone for many years
Do I just yearn for punishment?
Or is these thoughts the first step of the changing?
They say the process is thought word and then it forms
And mayb then I will take action
I keep hoping in the process he changes to keep me from leaving
The beautiful thing is I know once I am gone
I will not care what efforts he takes anymore or how he feels or any thoughts on the matter period.
Just thoughts of me
Now I'm doin what I love. My three babies and I r havin movie night at home. We made buffalo wing dip turkey pepperoni and grapes. No popcorn. Lol
Things I go through r just that. I am glad I have a mind that allows me the opp to escape the pain I feel
NJoy
I told my husband this morning when he sed I need to watch my spending that he doesn't pay me enough. Lol. Sometimes I just feel cheated. Lmao.
It's not funny but whatever. Here's a poem.
I get angry at the little things
I get angry and let out all those big things
Those things that have been bothering me
Festering with me.
I get flash backs of his abuse his cheating his inconsistencies constantly
He reminds me of his flaws that have left scars in my heart and open wounds in my mind
In time
I tell myself will heal.
In time all that pain I will no longer feel
And then
His consistency becomes his inconsistencies all over again
Repeating his story history with no remorse or care for me
He's sent me to mental therapy
I'm laughing becuz I was mandated to take my stress and my life as from the outside falling apart seriously
I look in the mirror and ask myself
Why can't I figure it out with the equation being ohhhhh so easy
We do what makes sense right?
I don't know what makes sense
I want to believe him
I want to have faith in him
I want him to love me like he acts like he loves him
Yup. Himself lol
Sometimes I think I'm jealous of him
I think I'm jealous cuz I can't do the things he do how he DO him
It seems the more I give my all
The harder I ride the more I risk the more he goes commando.
The more I give the more he asks me to give all and I get bills paid lol
Is that all I'm worth?
My rent? And him taking care of HIS KIDS?
He says he loves me thas y I drive this pretty Mercedes Benz......
I give my all. I cook. I play clean up
I think and I create and I dream for two not just for me
My inbox gets full and some days I don't want to ignore them
The inquiries as to 'can I get close to u?' get temptin
I get tired of sayin 'I'm sorry I'm taken'
The reply is 'I wouldn't know by the ring you're not wearin'
Yes I'm laughin.
Cuz when I too say 'my husband'
They look at my bare finger and look around like I always c her alone.
All these beautiful relationships I'm seeing
Embarrassed of being out in public or being me and doing one of my speeches and a woman's voice snickers from the crowd and laughs at the advice I'm givin
Cuz she knows When my bed is empty at night lets me know she gettin
What My HUSBAND is givin
But I'm steady giving.
Giving myself and my all and I hear men that are single say they searching
Cuz I am what they r wishing
But I want Him to be wishing he could make me smile for every tear he has had drop and
Make me laugh for every pain he has caused and
Even pain he has not
Cuz he can't stand that my heart has tatted painful memories and scorns all over bleeding when things trigger
I really thought he wud erase and take away all my pain
I hear what the men outside be rappin and
I wish I was gullible and not as smart and even in most cases smarter than them
So their arms I could fall right in
I be wantin to be bad
But my mistakes from the past
Gave me lessons and my babies have given me a new perspective.
My new knowings and understandings won't let me
I am done beating myself up for me fallen weak for my poor decisions and hurtful deception
No matter my reasons
I don't know y I'm scared to change.
Fearing the X lol
My knowledge of self and knowing who I am hide away
I fear even though I foresee most things
A blessing from my abuelita
But then a curse cuz I KNOW
I choose to ignore.
I even empathically feel
I feel and it hurts so y have I not left?
I've been alone for many years
Do I just yearn for punishment?
Or is these thoughts the first step of the changing?
They say the process is thought word and then it forms
And mayb then I will take action
I keep hoping in the process he changes to keep me from leaving
The beautiful thing is I know once I am gone
I will not care what efforts he takes anymore or how he feels or any thoughts on the matter period.
Just thoughts of me
Now I'm doin what I love. My three babies and I r havin movie night at home. We made buffalo wing dip turkey pepperoni and grapes. No popcorn. Lol
Things I go through r just that. I am glad I have a mind that allows me the opp to escape the pain I feel
NJoy
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