I write all the time in my head. The twins have been keepin me busy. Like right now I had to ask why the hell can't she evr find it in herself to b quiet. They talk sooooo much, one more so than the othr.
They r both sittin here now watching Alice in Wonderland. They jus got into it all of a sudden. I wrote too soon lol. Uup they went quiet again. As long as I have had this movie they are jus now getting into it.
This is our time together. I enjoy this. We r all cuddled up what bin a movie in my room. Hopefully the youngest doesn't pee in my bed. She always does.
Damn, this is the only thing the man left me afte all I have done. This xbox and the tiny computer wit no cord and that is broke and ain't worth fixin. I found that out today.
I almos had him here las night y do I keep doin that to myself? I hear he is going back to jail. They have been doing investigations where he makes his money. Ppl don't listen even as old as he is.
My youngest of the twins has been askin for him and doin some crazy things since he left. That's my fault though, no one shud b around my kids unless he doin more than jus sayin that he wanna marry me. They will change for the better for themselves for me.
Well I Am beyond exhausted.
NJoy

Confessions Of A Lost Soul....

I was in shocked when I opened my eyes again. Realizing my head was really inside of the same wall that he had bust open about 2 weeks prior to hide his dope and money from his junkie mother, "WHAT THE FUCK" was all I could say. Once I finally gained the strength to get my head out of the wall I looked directly into his eyes and all he could say was "I keep telling you to stop trying to play me.".

I couldnt believe he said that shit to me. All I could do was just walk away. Nothing to say, nothing to do. There was nothing left in me. As I walked down the stairs all I could think was I'm done. I'm finally fucking done. I couldn't take it anymore. The physical,mental ,and emotional abuse was killing me. He "the love of my life"was killing me. I walked out the door, got into my car, and I never looked back. I drove home crying and confused about rather this was actually my fault. Had there been signs all along?

When I got home my aunt was there with my father. She was all up in my face asking me what was wrong with both my eyes. I told her it was my allergies and simply walked away. locking myself in my room, all I could do is cry. I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up I realized he had called my phone over and over,nonstop for the last 2.5 hours. I got up and fixed me a plate of food. I went directly back to my bedroom and sat across my bed. All I could think of was "BIG" that was what everyone called him, (though I beg to differ). I sat and ate my food as he began to ring my phone again. I just stared at the name across the phone. I will admit I was scared to answer. What should I do?

The phone stop ringing and the voicemail indicator flashed, I pressed the talk button to listen to the new message, I dialed the number to retrieve the message and I could hear a voice on the other line yelling "hello?" "YO?".I spoke into the receiver ,"hello?"I have to admit the first sound of his voice made my honycomb hide out begin to moisten.He sternly spoke,"what you mad at me now?" why you wasn't answering your phone"?"Man I aint got time for this bullshit,you aint leaving me ,if thats what you thinking!"The phone went silent.How could I respond?What the hell am i gonna say?Then the nigga nonchalantly says"What you doing?Before I knew it i was answering his ass,telling him that I had just woke up and ate some food left for me from dinner.We talked about all the fun things we had done together and all the shopping sprees,and how he had even fronted the money to pay the mortgage on my ailing father's home in which my father and I lived.Basically he said enough to make me realize i needed him in my life,he was appreciated I had to admit.That night we fell asleep on the phone with eachother,the next morning I woke up to the sound of my doorbell.....

I will be back to confess.

Confessions of a Lost Soul.....

I probably should have titled this:Tales of a Trainwreck Lifestyle.Sometimes that is truly how I feel.In my lifetime I have endured some of the most painful things a young girl could go through like the few times i explained to you in this blog,not to mention the fights where i actually thought i could fight back,lol but serious.One fight that i will never forget was when I guess i made the wrong decision....He had the cash and his aunt had the credit,a normal procedure was for him to give her the money to either rent himself or him and her a rental for the week.this particular weekend they both had rented the new Impalas.He told his aunt and I to go ahead and chill,take a ride because "he had some business to take care of".We decided to do just that,we ended up riding around and riding through conkey avenue to see if her jamaican friend out and he was.she stopped and shot the shit with him briefly,then we took the money he had given her and went to grab us some soul food from a new restaraunt.When we got back to my "man's" house he was sitting on the porch looking sexy as ever with his charcoal skin,crisp white wifebeater,crisp jean shorts,white socks and open toed sandals looking like a straight up "Florida Boy"which he was.The box between my legs started to moistened....i was ready to sit on it,literally.When I stepped out the car he started walking towards me,I started smiling and he smirked at me,before I knew it he had punched me in my eye so hard I lost it.I started swinging wildly and his aunt jumped out of the car and grabbed him.she yelled for me to stop and back up but i wasn't feeling that while she held onto him i weld on his ass.he squirmed out of her lock and grabbed me by my hair and just started punching me all over my body.He dragged me up the stairs by my hair and took me in the house,once inside we went at it again,fighting,yelling,screaming.To sum it all up he whipped my ass.he made me go upstairs to his bedroom,once i got upstairs I went into the bathroom and could not believe what i had saw my eye swollen shut,lip swollen til its hanging,face just swole....I cried and cried til the tears stop coming...I heard him coming upstairs i darted over to the bedroom,I was scared.When he came in the room he nonchalantly said "yo Im tired of you trying me like im so punk ass nigga,im tired of that shit...you gonna make me kill your ass!!!!The room got silent,He starting walking towards me and grabbed me by my shoulders.he kissed me hard and once again he bit my bottom lip and i just stood there with tears streaking my face making my vision blurry by the second.I had the audacity to pull away from him,and then it happened.He punched me so hard my head went through the wall behind me.As I opened my eyes the white powdery substance starting falling in my eyes and mouth....I closed my eyes tightly and prayed that i was dreaming......Damn I Just Lost My Soul AGAIN!!

Regrets r jus what I don't wanna live with. It's one of the main things that tip the scale. I say that, and still I reflect on old news. Aftr I write it, I need to b back to having no past. That can b someone elses.
NJoy

Confessions Of A Lost Soul....

So.....I will admit I took his ass back but in all fairness to myself I was fucking petrified of him!!Its friday night, and I just got paid. With me ready to chill, he decides at the last minute to grab something to eat. At Applebee's, I ate everything I thought I would like,and knew I'd love.The bill came, $126.04,(which aint nothing for two people ,but then again this was Applebee's)and he pulled out his money in front of the waitress(trying to floss)this bitch standing in my face grinning in my man face. I'm boiling at this point I'm looking at her like I was bout to walk the dog on her ass. He must have noticed cause before I knew it he was playing into the shit. He's flirting with the bitch and everything.They right in front of me acting like I aint even there....Now please tell me:Where the fuck they do that at??!!As I open my mouth and start to popping my shit at ol' girl "BITCH YOU GOT ME FUCKED UP-"

"So yo let me get your number, me and my "wife" bout to chill and go spend some money but maybe we can call you later when we ready to freak the fuck out." Cutting me off midsentence, I felt the tears stinging my eyes. I was tripping of this nigga. She simply replied "yeah do that" leaving the table.
I went the fuck off!! He looked at me like he was going to slap the shit out of me. Of course my punk ass calmed down and politely gave him my "I'm relaxed gesture" Once again I was petrified realtalk. She soon returned to the table with a little piece of paper with her name and number written out.That was it for that seen. Pulling out of the paking lot, we headed to the "Let Out" If you from the hood then you know what that is;if you're not then you aint missing shit,believe me. I did end up getting drunk that night again and he was even drunker than me and high as a fucking kite. My car, clothes, and hair and everything smelled like a pound of weed foreal. It was ridiculous but of course I said nothing at all.We left the "let out"and headed to Motel 6 but not before he called Shanita.
She was from the westside so we scooped her on the way to the motel.
With me fucking furious, he told me to come to the desk with him. As we walked to the desk he grabbed my hand and squeezed it and simply started saying "dont start FUCKING tripping foreal Im in a good mood and i wanna enjoy my wife and let this bitch enjoy you too,now give me a kiss.".
I leaned up towards his lips and kissed him softly he responded by kissing me even harder and lightly biting my bottom lip as I cried. Letting go he ordered "now go tell that bitch to come on.". I went and did just that.......
"Am I about to loose my soul???"
Well I will be back to confess......

Life offers so many lessons. With those lessons life blesses us with consequences. The consequences are our nagging yet protective parent warning us to stay away from the street. Where a rubber under the sheets and don't be stupid for no woman or no man.
The consequence gets harder with each lesson unlearned and unacknowledged. The flip side of things though are that consequence cud also b that desert aftr dinner, or that A from studying and hard work , and or your child graduating from college. What evr the lesson is jus kno and understand the consequence.
I trust in energy. If u wrkin wit all negative energy you can't get positive in the equation. No where. Now if u wrkin wit positive energy we are all smiles.
NJoy

Confessions of A Lost Soul.....

I woke up this morning and as soon as I raised my head the pouding started all over again,yesterday I turned sixteen and last night was the first time I got punched in the face by"the love of my life".My girls decided to give me my first drink and I got wasted!!i was tore up and he did not like that at all .only being one year older than me born Apri l1st 1980 and I april 2nd 1981 he actually believed he was my DADDY.....When I got back on the block to pick him up(mind u I was far from a block bitch) he just started spazzing,yelling where the fuck had I been and Why didnt i call him,(but he never tried calling me)who the fuck i been fucking????He just went off....I tried to talk to him and get him 2 calm down and he was not feeling me.he made me walk to the car with him,he snatched my keys and hopped in the driver seat,i got in on the passenger side .He pulled off and never asked me if i had all my things.i had set my bag down.(the new LV bag that he got me from the outlet)I was so upset but i had to bite my tongue(literally)when we got to the corner of Hudson and Helena he just stopped the car and punched me dead in my left eye,I couldn't see anything.I started screaming,he started yelling that I should feel fucked up that I made him hit me like that.I couldnt believe my fucking ears.He took me to his house and would not let me leave,I was petrified.He started pulling at my shirt,he lifted up and started sucking and biting my nipples.I just knew they were bleeding.I was to scared to react,so I just started crying,he never stopped and on April 3rd1997 i lost my virginity(or was i raped????)That was the first of many ass whipping I received from him.....Either way I had just Lost My Soul......

ADVISE IS BETTER GIVEN THAN TAKEN.
quote from unknown

Talkin wit my Dad always makes me feel better. I needed that. I tried laying down, and I didn't want anotr sleepless night like last night. I felt long to othr and my Dad always takes that away. Jus even wen he tells me about his day. We don't ven hav to cover my issues. Sometimes I think it best not to. I hate appearing so weak and confused. Like my mom though he sees it. More so than her.
Well we had a cull laughs and he to me about a few things he has ben doin to make progress with a few projects he has goin. Beautiful.
Ok I walked through Sams club and I memories began to flood. My ex or my late rather. I missed him so my knees felt weak. Yes I think of him all the time I have reminders all around me. Although the thoughts come and go quickly without having me go through any emotional states. That hit me all of a sudden.
I miss his smell, and the way we discussed things. He would nevr argue wit me eithr. He wud remain silent and jus giv me a certain look or avoid troublesome convo. Lmao.
Welp, he's gone and there is nothing I can do about that.
I want him wen I feel like I had anothr blooper male moment. I did say though I doubt I even let their Dad move in. I dont want anothr failed attempt having my kids used to seein a man evyday again. Something I gotta scratch the scalp on really.
My Dad and I talked about evything almost, and you kno all yalls granma used to te you, you gots to rid the old and unworthy to hav room for the new and worth while. I second that. Whole heartedly.
Laughing at what my Dad sed about ol boy that gone missing too. He read my blogs of course, and he sed that man has a lifestyle of always staying from place to place cuz he nevr invest nowhere. He laughed cuz I tol him he looked all stressed out wen he came to get his clothes off my porch. Dad sed well he was and if he hada invested u cudnt had out him out.
That's crazy too. There are all types of men somold and still not living like they are that as the minutes pass ur time is passing as well.
Trust that can b argued by some, which I wud definitely agree. The whole time is not real it's all psychological thing. Agree. To must though we are what we think so therefore as we live we die.
Goodnight. I guess I have anothr outlet as well. The dumb thn bs that I do can hopefully b viewed so you don't lol. Advise is always better given than taken

He is finally gone. I can't tell what really hurts, my ego that it's been three days and he has t even so much as sent a text after talkin how much he cared? Or if it's simply my feelings. My ego is like "damn how u let a nigga use you? Straight up use you?". I wonder and I know not to let any man move in again.
Rubbin my belly hopin my period comes this month. Closing my eyes I can c the trauma bout myself my kids and that unborn dead baby i put through. With all the stress, I wasn't able to carry. It's crazy cuz the thought of having an abortion had me really like ugh! The Universe did it for me knowing me. :(
So y in the hell did I not ask for birthcontrol? Always going to that point of no return. I'm smh.