I felt the world in me. The trees the birds the air the wind the things u can't see. I felt them all muster in me and burst with energy when I told him he would have bad will on him as he keeps doing me wrong.
I told him after all I have done he cudda did was he was doing a different way. I do want him to live and be happy and if being with me means misery upon him then fine move on. Just don't use me in the process. Let me know what it is. This beautiful Mercedes Benz he had me put a personal loan on. 24k in debt and if something happened to him that is $400/month I have to be responsible for.
I know there's a thin line between being in love and plain stupid. Everytime God gives him opportunity for him to learn and me to learn and be free of his stupidity I run to his rescue in the name of Love Insted of what it is really called: torture lol I come and figure out a way for him to be back on top and givin me his ass to kiss again.
Back in December he lost everything again. When just in November I had given him money and all for when he came home to do something with. He gets caught up being drunk and crashes a rental in my name and hides out in bushes and woods and has me drive there and stand in to possibly take a charge for him. I was willing to do it becuz he wud have gotten 25.
So the nice pretty 600 he had given me for Mother's Day I call around an take a 6k loan out cuz he needed it. Told him they only gave me 4k so that I wud have cushion to pay the loan if he failed to. Anyway he was rappin bout just stayin home and being a babysitter and life is over attitude. I called around to c what loans and cud get and the bank offered a personal loan if I gave my car as collateral.
Now once again he lost everything and the Benz he got me for my bday I've gotten a loan on and put to the back burner my opportunity to buy my home. I keep reminding myself I just delayed this process. Cuz I have been having a poor attitude in this case.
God I know will only give me so many more chances before I can't save him and fall myself.
Anyway. I just hurt. I just feel like out all the things he has done and I still stay strong and faithful and in need and wanting to do the right thing. I'm cursed and a punk to not do what they all tell me. Let him play and I play and stack my money. Well I jus hate playin games. Especially when we gone through so much alredy. We shud BFF status and I shouldn't have to. I just want God to take this pain away from me.
I know tears r the body cleansing itself. I can't cry anymore though. So where does that leave me? I ain't even hungry. I'm only hungry when I fix somethin to eat for my babies at dinner time. I'm a cook and just fed them a veggie tray and fruit tray for dinner. Lol
I feel like when he came and got his clothes he could've told me. He could've just told me days before baby I am coming for my things so don't put them back in the drawers. After I all do be honest. No matter how it hurts or may not benefit u. He cud give me honesty. I'm still down cuz of my children. Well now he's kinda changed that.
His mom keeps asking well y u mad? U asked him to get his things. So he got them and now u angry. Yes I am Socrates wrote that ppl dorm always build walls just to keep ppl out. They build walls to c who will try to brake the wall down. It shows the fight for me. He did and still continues to say that he is coming back. However I gave my word that once you get your things there is no coming back. What kind of woman would I be if I did not stick to that? I would b the kinda woman that says that u can do whatever to me and I still come back for more punishment. I would be a weak woman. I told him he can't even humble himself enough to do what is needed to come back. My heart breaks over and over again when I think about it.
I don't think anyone gets it. There's no need for him to come back now that he has gotten all his things. What's the purpose? U callin my bluff just cuz. That's usin me. It is.
My friend told me that his claws of torture will not release from my back until I rid myself of all hope that he will can he and do right. He's right.
I still hope. I still c his potential and hope for him to be his potential and rid himself of who he is.
All the wrk and clean up I have done for him. Screaming on him when he makes stupid moves and tried to blame it on other ppl.
Staying up late when i have to be to wrk cuz he sleeps drunk in cars with the door wide open. Countless times I've had to come outside and clean him up and lock him on the car doors. My insurance is high now. All the sings and three rental crashes. Like. How dumb can I be? In the name of love of my Husband.
Help me.
My friend told me the best way is to get a distraction. Replace. Pretty much rebound he says. Lol. He meant him too I know what he was talking about. I have to keep him at bay though. He's too much like my husband. He has a fire temper and a bad boy attitude. A demanding respect attitude. I guess that is what has my attention. :) I smile thinking about him. I do wish I cud let him ease my pain. I told him I won't meet him or see him unless I divorce. That's not for my husband it's for me. For me I do the right thing.
He told me I have what others search for and they will not find. I just have it.
I told him after all I have done he cudda did was he was doing a different way. I do want him to live and be happy and if being with me means misery upon him then fine move on. Just don't use me in the process. Let me know what it is. This beautiful Mercedes Benz he had me put a personal loan on. 24k in debt and if something happened to him that is $400/month I have to be responsible for.
I know there's a thin line between being in love and plain stupid. Everytime God gives him opportunity for him to learn and me to learn and be free of his stupidity I run to his rescue in the name of Love Insted of what it is really called: torture lol I come and figure out a way for him to be back on top and givin me his ass to kiss again.
Back in December he lost everything again. When just in November I had given him money and all for when he came home to do something with. He gets caught up being drunk and crashes a rental in my name and hides out in bushes and woods and has me drive there and stand in to possibly take a charge for him. I was willing to do it becuz he wud have gotten 25.
So the nice pretty 600 he had given me for Mother's Day I call around an take a 6k loan out cuz he needed it. Told him they only gave me 4k so that I wud have cushion to pay the loan if he failed to. Anyway he was rappin bout just stayin home and being a babysitter and life is over attitude. I called around to c what loans and cud get and the bank offered a personal loan if I gave my car as collateral.
Now once again he lost everything and the Benz he got me for my bday I've gotten a loan on and put to the back burner my opportunity to buy my home. I keep reminding myself I just delayed this process. Cuz I have been having a poor attitude in this case.
God I know will only give me so many more chances before I can't save him and fall myself.
Anyway. I just hurt. I just feel like out all the things he has done and I still stay strong and faithful and in need and wanting to do the right thing. I'm cursed and a punk to not do what they all tell me. Let him play and I play and stack my money. Well I jus hate playin games. Especially when we gone through so much alredy. We shud BFF status and I shouldn't have to. I just want God to take this pain away from me.
I know tears r the body cleansing itself. I can't cry anymore though. So where does that leave me? I ain't even hungry. I'm only hungry when I fix somethin to eat for my babies at dinner time. I'm a cook and just fed them a veggie tray and fruit tray for dinner. Lol
I feel like when he came and got his clothes he could've told me. He could've just told me days before baby I am coming for my things so don't put them back in the drawers. After I all do be honest. No matter how it hurts or may not benefit u. He cud give me honesty. I'm still down cuz of my children. Well now he's kinda changed that.
His mom keeps asking well y u mad? U asked him to get his things. So he got them and now u angry. Yes I am Socrates wrote that ppl dorm always build walls just to keep ppl out. They build walls to c who will try to brake the wall down. It shows the fight for me. He did and still continues to say that he is coming back. However I gave my word that once you get your things there is no coming back. What kind of woman would I be if I did not stick to that? I would b the kinda woman that says that u can do whatever to me and I still come back for more punishment. I would be a weak woman. I told him he can't even humble himself enough to do what is needed to come back. My heart breaks over and over again when I think about it.
I don't think anyone gets it. There's no need for him to come back now that he has gotten all his things. What's the purpose? U callin my bluff just cuz. That's usin me. It is.
My friend told me that his claws of torture will not release from my back until I rid myself of all hope that he will can he and do right. He's right.
I still hope. I still c his potential and hope for him to be his potential and rid himself of who he is.
All the wrk and clean up I have done for him. Screaming on him when he makes stupid moves and tried to blame it on other ppl.
Staying up late when i have to be to wrk cuz he sleeps drunk in cars with the door wide open. Countless times I've had to come outside and clean him up and lock him on the car doors. My insurance is high now. All the sings and three rental crashes. Like. How dumb can I be? In the name of love of my Husband.
Help me.
My friend told me the best way is to get a distraction. Replace. Pretty much rebound he says. Lol. He meant him too I know what he was talking about. I have to keep him at bay though. He's too much like my husband. He has a fire temper and a bad boy attitude. A demanding respect attitude. I guess that is what has my attention. :) I smile thinking about him. I do wish I cud let him ease my pain. I told him I won't meet him or see him unless I divorce. That's not for my husband it's for me. For me I do the right thing.
He told me I have what others search for and they will not find. I just have it.
