Laid back.

I went off completely this morning on him. Then I sed forget it I'll take it easy. Took it easy and keeps calling and ckin up on me. Smh. Life. I know my mother prolly thanks she has no one to depend on. I was supposed to put $500 in her account. They make it so hard to do so, I had to go get a money order in order to put the money in the bank.
She is having a blast in Mexico. That's great cuz she deserves it. She really does a lot.
I grilled after picking my nephew up from football practice. He's been doing good. I told him I'm proud of him.  I am. I had to wack him though when I left him with the kids to just run to the store to get lighter fluid for the grill and the oldest twin has a smart mouth however he still shud not put his hands on anyone.
So he came and grabbed the kids. Too bad I was runnin the grill I wudda took off for a few real quik. Lol.
I got up with a friend of mine and had a couple drinks. That was nice.
Then got to listen to game b ran on me. Lol. I am really feelin this man vibe. Like a lot. Makes me want to let him catch my fall.
My hormones have been racing lately. I like really want to let someone in. Oh well I will sit on ice for now I guess. Lol.
My jerk chicken and things came out great.
This was my response to something he text me
Ahhhhhhh. Your friendship is appreciated as well.
I don't look at teasing like chasing a shadow. Lmao!
I look at teasing when it's pleasant (cuz u know in reality u can't have what u desire anyway) as chasing the sun. U continue to walk to the direction the sun is in and enjoy the heat it gives the warmth it brings. Admiring the colors of strength it has to offer and gives to u as u soak it up. We can not ever physically touch the sun. For whatever reasons we r not equipped with what we need to embrace even a bit of it in out arms.
Teasing is like a fun day at the Amusement park. It's amusing. When the day is done we take the memories we have accumulated with us. We can never get that day again. It is what it is.
:)
Yea. That spiteful little somethin. Lol. Smh. Idk about him. Lol. Guess I just didn't care. Don't care lol.
C u asked for some of my mind and there it is the whole dream and open side.
I blogged about a question u asked me last night.
Hiding behind the mask. I do like to be a mystery. When u r an open book u can be venerable to prey. :) lol
Throughout everything I am grateful I smile. I laugh all the time.
Even when I don't know why the hell I am smiling. Even on a serious note. The kids learned me though. They know just cuz I'm smiling sometime doesn't mean they shud smile too. Lol.
That's good u gonna write her everyday. The attention feels AWSOME and to know someone can take the time and dedicate it to them. Time is truly the only thing we own. That and our mind. Those r two things other than physical death that we can not escape.
And it's crazy for me to say that. Cuz I am a true believer that time is not real. Lol. We mentally make it exists.
Being interested makes me smile. U know Freddie I mean Janet Jackson sexy ass b needing that attention.
:)

Being more watchful? Or just letting go?

It's 5:53am Friday morning. I had a very profound dream. The thoughts as I slept were "he promised again and once again the promise was empty" "NJoy, yes he cudda came home cuz he came back twice and still didn't get his things, but he did not. U can't worry if what keeps him out is better than u. U can't worry if she is prettier more demanding, has a stronger hold or what ever the case may b. The fact is your kids. And his broken promises keep coming and he keeps promising. Stop believing".
That's is what is it is. For me to hear and not hear. For me to see and not see. For me to just keep LIVING as if he is not existing. What I don't mind. Don't matter.
That's funny. I had another pep talk with myself that fast writing this out to u lol. Well, in this dream. I had a little boy that looked and dressed just like my son. However, he was not my son. I looked over him and cared for him as if he were mine. We were walking doing some sort of challenges or something. Well the next challenge I thought aloud that this is crazy and this is gonna be hard, cuz we really have to be careful and jump. I had a sense of fear like I knew it would be hard. This girl says oh no it won't be hard cuz with this one at least if u fall it is over a river.
I see the river now as me this little boy and a man r walking and I tell the man this will be easy we will just walk along the curb. We stay on the curb we b alright.
As I think the rivers current was going down as we had to go up. The across just escaped me. As we talk and let the guard down the sense of urgency seemed safe and he hopped over the gate. Y didn't I run? My slow ass reflexes! As he crossed over he took one little foot off the curb and immediately went under being carried away! I jump in immediately to let the current help and I scream for God to give me the strength. I scream loud and this extra boost pushes me I almost grab a leg ALMOST. twice I got close but this time I damn near had his leg and Yyyyyy Y???????  Did I not continue to fight? Why did I just give up literally just like that when I knew in my heart i shud keep trying. So I take my spirit and hover the boy. As my spirit grabs him I make him be alive however I do not know if that's a reality or not.
When I wake all I can do is lean over and kiss my baby. I thank God that he is here and I realize just how quik ppl or something can go downstream. However this little boy was not mine. I ask myself. Is this y u did not give your all? Is this why once u missed u quit and sed u tried? U decided without deciding that u had enough mayb before u go under too. I felt though right when I have up. That split instant as I have up he immediately was more away from than I would be able to catch up. Even though I had never stopped swimming.
I never stopped swimming but mentally and in my heart I was quitting and that's y I called upon idk my higher self.
I think this little boy could be my nephew as I've gone over all the ways I have to watch my son better even in our yard with no fence. I told myself if I had his walking leash lmao backpack for kids I cudda held it and wudda gone nowhere far.
I think of my nephew and mayb I shud fight harder. After that bullshit I have been doing for him but just puttin him off to his aunt. She told me again when the bus situation gets right I have to get him lol.
Then I thought of my husband. With this little boys independence in my dream. That cud b him. His ways and actions r still childlike in many instances. I thought of how he usually has to pay a stack a ride so mayb he makin his way to a free ride lmao!
If that little boy is my husband. Mayb I have to let him drown cuz I very well could drown trying to save him. Well in the dream I knew I would've been able to a strong strong strong feeling right after I gave up though. But who's to say I would not have beat myself down and aged and damn near drowned myself trying to save him? Is giving a lot of my life's source what I want. Or am I being over dramatic becuz it wasn't all like that?

Respect vs Love

He comes in the middle of the night. Showers and gets dressed. Leaving his clothes here for me to was. Now I'm pissed cuz he did leave but he still comes back. He comes and goes as he pleases. What type of shit is that.
I screamed for my key. I screamed today for him to leave and not come back. I see all the stress all over him. I see the world and the streets and whatever else beating him down and I just don't know how to sit down.  I wan to. Rely bad just for his sake. For his sake I want to b quiet. With my silence and in my silence peace comes and wondering for him comes. He will wonder Y I am not the same woman begging for him to come home and begging him to be with me and give me time.
Actually I hardly ever beg for time. I just ask for the kids to have a father. That's it. I ask for him to not sleep with other women and allow me to know about it. What I don't know doesn't hurt me. At the end of the day. I know what goes on he throws things right in my face. He told me tonight that it's becuz I go through his phone. That's the shit I am talking about.  I should by no means be told something like that. Don't you agree? I can't help it. I also can't help even through my pain thinking of his pain. Smdh. I want to change.
What's good about loving someone who does not love u in the same manor.
LOVE vs RESPECT
I was told that men can love something and not respect it. That is my major issue. RESPECT. It's not what you do it's how you do it.
I think back to all the times I have been a good soldier, a good wife, friend, and confidant. Lol. It's not funny. Really it's not. I remember going to Elmira Correctional to get him. :) I went though all these changes to pick him up. Lmao.
I looked like a movie star. The guards couldn't stop watching me. My short shimmery black dress see through in the back of it, my hair lookin like Ciara in the Ride video, my nice sexy high heels.
I practiced the dance I would do for him too over and over again.
I pulled up in my white V12 s600 he bought me for Mother's Day. Those white boys were in awe. Another gift to keep my legs closed and door for him open. Idk mayb that's not what it's about. Mayb it is becuz I simply deserve it. The fact that he brings it up in every argument sucks.
Well I pick him up 

One day at a time.

I guess it'll get better. I got another call from a old friend and just hearing his voice made me at ease. I felt good. It feels good to be wanted. And feel wanted.  :)
He caught up with me today. That had me feeling sick. We argued. He caught me droppin the papers he needed for the affidavit for court. I find out now that his license is suspended for a year. Not 4 months lol. Smh. I think the judge did that just to hang his ass. She can look at him and tell he will not follow the rules.
Drunk ass bastard.
To feel better I had a spa day with my momma  and let his mom take the kids to a bday party.
Spa day was nice. I got a wax for the first time. On my Vagina. :) hurt like heck real fast then gone.
I am def keeping it up.
I had thoughts of the past all day today.
I mean from asking him to leave. I wanted to kill him at first. Then I wanted to just stay silent.
I will finish soon. I have to tell about merge with the psychiatrist. And the damn boy no he wanted his sister.  

The test

Ok. So we went on a really good overnight get away. He told me he wants to change once again, and that we just need a break to feel better. Well once we got back from the huge fancy hotel called Garden Palace. It was great. We always have the best time when we get away. I had 2 shots of Baily's with Hennessy to drown my memories and 6 shots if tequila to numb my pain. I knew u would have a good night when we made it back to the room. Normally when sleeping with him u think and wonder who else he's been with.
Our return home was good too and u just knew it was going to be back to the norm. Yup. He called me back to back until I got the kids. Lmao. Once I have the kids there's no need to ck up on me. Lol smh. He promises me a movie. Next thing I know after promising he won't drink anymore. He's drunk as hell again. And he didn't come home. So I've decided to not answer any of calls. I've asked him to freakin get his shit and move out.
It's too bad the one guy I'm havin a lil fun talk to is so far away. Not that I could ever take it there anyway. But geeze.
I was asked to not look at what he say but look at what I'm sayin about my situation. Well this is what I b tellin him these r the text throughout the middle of the night while he gettin good sleep and my mind and body is restless :
Texts:
U can't wrk wit ya phone off.
U sleepin and treatin. Thas y u asked me a out woodcliff. What marriage do we have?
U give the next more respect. And u payin and sleepin over there. Y won't u give me my freedome? I charge vacations on credit to impress her u spend cash.
Like u not gona have good luck fuckin me over like u do. U just not. I promise u that. I saw it alredy. Told u that when u was in jail on ya violation. The universe wrks well wit me. U can't keep me unhappy and mistreat me and things b ok. I do waaaaaaay too much for u. Yes u pay bills. So do all the men at my job. Especially when they live there. Smh. I bet this woman u wit her hair and nails and lashes is done. I still have to wait on school clothes for mine.
U fuckin up. U ain't tightening up. And I frankly don't wanna b bothered. I laughed in the car on the way droppin black off becuz I saw this. U NEED TO GROW UP.
U BETTER HOPE THAT K DONT FIND WHAT I AM LOOKIN FOR BEFORE U DO GROW UP. NO WOMAN IS LIKE ME AND U WILL REGRET LOOSING ME. THAT IS A FACT FACT FACT A PROMISE.
I AM STARTIN MY SEARCH.

With no response after all of this I just say I won't answer my phone. I've gone the whole day. After listening to what his mother sed he was saying when she talk to him he just think he made me cuz I'm driving a Benz. A used automobile. And we pay high ass rent instead of owning a home. I cudda been had my home messin with him.
He keeps calling i give one reply.
:
 I love u. But I hurt more than I smile. If I didn't know. It wud b easier. But u leave too many crumbs n  too much for ppl to talk bout

I came home later and had peace. The kids and I sat outside I watched them do flips and play with sticks and dirt and we enjoyed the peace. I am goin to by all means make sure I continue to enjoy the peace.