The hot water was soothing. The kids crying and moaning in the background is normal, I already kno the routine so why don't they? 
I jus need to relax. Let this hot water and steam message out all this tension. I have to stop. Jus STOP for one minute thnking about all the fucked up choices I have made. Can't change it anyway. It's jus too bad that it feels as if I never learn from the mistakes I make. 
Mayb it is self-esteem. I think it's jus me being too damn nice. I hate hurting other ppl feelings, they never seem to mind to hurt mine or tell it jus like it is when the shoe is on the other foot though. They do as they please. I'm not jus talking bout a man I deal wit either. Although, that is the bulk of my problem. For instance why can't I jus take things for what they are. I'm sitting in this tub, wishin like hell that the kids will jus b good trained kids for one night and take they butts to sleep. I'm hopin that wen he walks through the door he has more than a cupl things to make me smile. 
He comes and sits to talk, empty handed. Don't misunderstand. He jus always says what he will do and I never c anything. That drives me crazy. 
He sits on the toilet and talks about his day. Tells me what he didn't mean and whatevr else. I've seen him on othr ppl bdays go and buy gifts. My baby bday. Nothin he has told me all that he is gonna get me for mothers day and here it is a month later I haven't gotten that yet either. U offered so dont say what u will do. 

Another goes by and here I have called him 10 times and he won't pick up. He walks through the door, and quick on his feet tells me the ringer was off blah blah blah. He called me about a half hour later, he called a good few times and I didn't bother to answer. He calls someone that can call me I ignore that person as well. How does he like to b ignored. The only thing I can do is ignore his call and look extra good. Mayb I don't look extra good anymore wit the few EXTra pounds i had put on. This is crazy. He comes talkin bout he will put the kids to sleep. He kno I was mad but he really needed me to grab his p for him. Aftr he had ignored my calls he feels it's ok to even come at me wit the he need me and use me thing. What doesn't he get? Ok the real Q is what dont I get? 
I need to b looking at myself and figuring what the hell it is about me that makes ppl feel like they can say and do whatevr. I have been trying to get that for a while. My Dad says that I hav no standards. I have to set standards and set boundaries. 
Ok the problem is.... We all kno from those who hav read my writing b4 that I am married. No the man that I am talkin bout is not my husband. He is in prison. I wanna do the right, what's the right thing? Mayb that's enuf for now. Idk I am always self conscious of what othr ppl think. I put up a good front, no one evr really knows that. I mean u can't tell. I understand that a lot o things are jus how u view it, and that helps me out a lot.by NJoy