Joy Stealers

Its imperative that you keep in mind where and why information that comes to you, is given to you. Everyone has an angle or a motive. People just be mad at him. Its amazing how many things I continue to hear about my husband. I think it's sad really. I did tell him that he has only one friend. I did tell him that. He thinks different or simply doesn't care because he feels that he has everything under wrap. Its sad that he does not like to listen.
Long story short I have been told about a diamond ring that I have been asking for and promised since before we had our son. I have been telling him over and over to buy his family a house, or at least help with that and he has bought a house in his whores town and it was told to me that he is saving for her deposit on her a house. The watch I wanted and asked for after last year me buying him a watch he gets her the watch for Valentine's or at least one like the one I wanted.
I'm embarrassed to say more. My husband feels that because I cheated 3 times yes I know LOL SMH during his 7 1/2 year bid that I deserve this. He says that no one said anything while I did what I did so why is it a problem that he does what he do.
Well the problem is that I would never cheat on him with him out here in this world helping me and being with me. Plus I never used him for the next person. No matter what when he needed me I have always been there I never moved on. Never put anyone other than our babies above them. I have always given in this relationship LOL.
I told him he should've told me last year that he met this woman again. Boy would things be different. One thing I am truly grateful for in not finding out till New Years Eve is my baby boy. I closed my eyes while riding one day and told him I see a son in my belly. I see the next Messiah. Wouldn't that be amazing? I told him I can feel it and I know he is going to be great.
I have to be on the road for great things so that I can set the stage for my babies. They have to know and see the sacrifice through me.
So as I write this I ask myself why am I still here? Why am I not tired yet? I want to be. I want to have him call and then just say whatever I'm not answering.
I want to be at the point where all I care about is the money that he brings to the table because boy don't I deserve it anyway. I have dedicated 13 years of my life to prison life and all he does is come home and show other women a good time. I should have not let him back in my bed again. I am shaking my head because I dare not tell close friends about this not at all. They're tired of him coming and going and me allowing it. They are tired of me falling for the lies over and over again. They hate that I hang on to the hope of the open comments and confused state he be in not wanting me but wanting no one else to have me.
I just have to learn to take things as they are without becoming stressed out anymore or being sad and miserable until I am in the position to put my foot down.
I had a good say until I got that phone call about him looking good and he has his woman looking good with matching kicks. I got pissed because he just told me he couldn't buy the car seat for the baby but he can buy him and his whore a pair of sneakers. Foul. Don't tell me you tight in money because you have to get my car out the shop when you buying footwear.
I have to say before I go anymore on the negative with ho that he does provide. He does make sure when I stay on him that we have the things that we need.
Joy Stealers They like to make me angry because he made them angry somehow. I found out who she was in the first place because someone told me.
At times I want to tell him who they are, but then I remember that he may continue to need them and his loyalty lies with someone else now. As long as no one tries to bring him harm or anything like that I'm good. I don't want to get in the way of him learning on his own.
I had a great day and it is still great. I will not let things that hear about him make my WHOLE day sour. It cuts however its what it is.
You nor anyone else will rob me of my joy.  

Making a 300 a Bently
Lmao. Sometimes really that's how you have to stop and look at it. The 300 cryslers are nice. Can't take anything away from em. You can put the rims on it to dress it up even more go get a different grill and all that and it's nice to ride. IT AINT AND NEVER WILL BE NO BENTLY. No matter how you dress it and make and build it up. What JoJo said? Once you've had the best you can't do better.
I guess that's also called loving the one you wit and not the one you want. That sucks.
It's ok. I am a top notch beautiful woman who cooks cleans and takes care of my children to the upmost ability and some.
I loose out on nothing. 

Ok as the founder of the blog I guess I can just do this things myself. My story is somewhat similar to NJoy's.
As I write you'll get to know me.
It's amazing how many blessings people choose to overlook. I am so caught up in what I don't have and the very few things that I want, that I can not c all that I do have. My vision I keep allowing to turn into nightmares cuz of what? A man? Really? Yes really.
:) I'm smiling because I am so very personal. I live writing all the time. I think poetry in my head as well as letters or speeches I should put on paper......
A dear friend of mine who I c now thinks the world of me, just stopped me in my tracks of uncovering more bad news and dirt on my husband. Who by the way I am currently separated from however he still calls the shots pretty much. What they say. I'm in love and he knows that but he uses the notion u pay to be the Boss. Lmao smh. Sad I know.
My supervisor stops me in my tracks and tells me to STOP and WAKEUP!!
All this motivational speaking I do for others has to spill into my soul. I have to hear it and know.
He tells me that I am this inspirational woman and DANG! Why am I so blind that I can not see that.
I am beautiful have a lil stomach but you can cook and clean and he tells you you are a great mother.
My supervisor tells me to stop and think for a second and just appreciate the fact that when I say that I am going to do something I make it happen. He told me he saw me manifest what comes out of my mouth many times over.
Other people are waiting to save money to have a plan and I have it in the bank. I'm approved and looking for a home right now while others are not even there. And this is my second home not the first one.
I really have to wake up. I have goals written down and I am following them but can not focus whole heartedly because I want someone else to love me the way I deserve to be loved. Held the way I deserved to be held and he is not and said he will not do that right now.
It's my choice to wait or put my foot down.
I am in the making of greatness. This here is just temporary. I'm told to look at what I have at my lowest. So really I can not imagine what my peak is. It's got to be nothing but greatness.
Ughhhhhh!!!! I scream from the pain and the burns of the fire. Eating crow and being humble is a huge practice and test of Faith and accountability and responsibility. Just eat crow until I get where I need to be. However I can not and will not stop living and loving me in the meanwhile.
The fire i feel is just the cleansing of all the rotten materials in me fire and heat kills it all. When I come out I will be a beautiful rock of gold.
I've been wanting to just spill out so here it is.
You can watch me through this struggle as a single mother conquering her pain heartaches struggles and accomplishing her goals. I can show you better than I can tell you.
I am asked for advise and motivation so here it is.
They say a Wise man can learn from others mistakes.
NJoy
Write any q's or comments 

A Slave To My Emotions

I have truly been fighting these urges. The urge to be wild and free. To go out and just b carefree. Don't ask. LOL I have no clue what is goin on. My mother and my mother-in-law say it's what I'm goin through with my husband. All I know is I hope it is just a phase.
Can someone just quickly tell me I'm beautiful and say they wanna do all the things to make me smile and I just feel better?!
Yea I know the answer already. It ain't  gonna make a diff. The man I'd like to hear that from has long since been occupied and content making other women feel better. Boosting the next bitch ego is his expertise now. LOL
U c what I mean my ass is drowning on and off in my own feelings.
I wrote a poem in my head on it in the shower yesterday. Can't remember how it went for nothing. 

My son is just too handsome. All I went through I am so thankful he is normal and healthy. O yea and spoiled.

Well the title says it all for me. That is how I feel. I can say my body feels a lot better than it has. i'm sore still however I am healing.
 

Sitting home. Alone. Again. LOL
It's not so bad though. This is another day my husband has been being really nice. He tried to do things the right way today. Our son had his doctor appointment at the last minute. His lil belly button is still draining. Stains his undershirts up. At first all he could do is follow us so he can carry the car seat up. Surprisingly he stayed.
It's amazing how this was more important than what he had to do. That's not normal. smh lol
I think honestly he jus thought it be better to wait than to leave and come back. Plus he really this time around sees a glimpse of being there for everything for his son. I think. I really don't know. You know how it can be sometimes. You really want something and you begin to see it that way rather it is or is not that way at all. I know that is how it is. Don't wanna be like that. I do clearly see a change. I just don't know what for and what the reason is. I note to self that I will enjoy it while it last. The good and peaceful parts. He still is not doing what he supposed to, however he is not causing me the hell that he was before. We could be here arguing all the time and fighting. Which I then really loose because there is not much I can do right now.
Well, I will take it one day at a time.
I am beyond sleepy, watching Grimlins. Dozing as I type. Ok I guess I will have to fill you in another day.
Peace Feels SOOOOOOOO Good
NJoy

I would very much so like to write about more than just the things that I am goin through with my so called husband.
That's all that is really goin on right now. My little man is beautiful. My girls are playing and fussing as they always do. LOL
He has been nicer I must say since the birth of our son. The way he talks I mean. He does not always answer his phone, and he still stays gone and throws his responsibilities off on someone else. He believes because he pays them to help in his place that makes things better. It doesn't. Its so amazing that he cant see the obvious. He thinks because maybe he cheats on me with someone whose face is as pretty as mine is ok.
I just can't wait. I don't even wanna write it down in fear of jinxing. LOL
What I will say is I can not wait to gain my independence back. My body looks a lot better than it did just yesterday. I feel better getting up and down the stairs....... I feel pain sometimes, I still have to move slow however I feel 10x's better. I don't feel as ugly as I did yesterday. I have been looking in the mirror and having to tell myself 'this too will pass'.
It's funny I tried to tell my girl when all your focus is away from home, those flings die and your home is looking elsewhere.
The fever to be loved and touched on burns in me. I want to feel that again. I want a man to walk behind me as I fix his plate and tell me he got it. Tap my ass and tell me to go sit down and he'll fix his babies plates as well.
I want to be kissed on the back of my neck and rubbed down my cheeks. I figure if I say it enough it'll happen. I mean my Dad kept telling me to fall back and relax and just let things be and things would get better. I can say that they have, although he still sleeps around. Just a minute ago before leaving was the second time since my early pregnancy had he kissed me on the lips. he asked for it. I was reluctant, just not used to him calling constantly and calling me babe and baby and honey.
Well..........
I'll just sit and relax because there is nothing else I can do.
  

I hear the same songs play over and over again in my head. Marsha Ambrosius her voice and ranges I love it.
These constant mood swings and changes are just crazy. A man can never imagine all the emotional and physical changes the woman's body goes through.
Even myself as I laugh. I know better. I know, however it so often jus gets the best of me. You are what you say you are and where you are in life. That is why it is beyond amazing trying to share your reality with someone who just does not want to see it.
So often I have made myself used to just doing what I have to and not what I want to. I finally took a deep breathe and I should not have exhaled yet. I laid down my swords and the war was not over. I made myself comfortable not cause of what I could see when my eyes closed, and not because of what all was transpiring around me, but because I I I I I I I I thought I deserved to be able to.
As these tears make their way down my face, I hear my girls joyful play in the tub, and I feel the soreness of my breast and think of the son upstairs that I have always wanted and prayed for.
My knight and shining armor may have not come like I thought, however I did get the greatest beings that I had wanted and wanted from no one else on the planet. Just being honest. No matter how much pain he has taken me through all these years I would not have been satisfied. All this pain I still feel I needed because I would not have understood when enough is enough otherwise.
One of my greatest fears in life was to be like my mother and grandmother. I even watched my great grandmother be with someone for what they all say was just companionship. Life is too short to not be happy, and to be lured and mistaken by the things that you think should be making you happy. LOL
WE work till we are 65 most of us. Most decease at 73 average. That's not a lot of time in between. I know that two people with the same goals can work together and make things work in harmony. That's pretty much all I want now. I just want my babies to see me smile more than frown. This is what they see right now. Me unhappy and trying to change someone who I have heard from his own mouth that no matter what I do he will not treat me any different.
So when he is finally back from his long trips, his family is the last stop that he makes. Never the first. No matter how much he and disappoints these little faces I love so much. I guess that what stings the most. I never thought he would be like this. I did not know him.
Soon though he will he doesn't know me either.
I confided in him first that I do not want to have my children go through the sad faces. I don't want them to see me do nothing as I know that he comes home from another woman's bed. How can I do that to them? My daughters, I will not be able to tell them anything. They are to never see me in this weak state. I know how I look at my models to be a woman. My babies deserve a good home, seeing my happy face, and a male role model that wants to run around the house with my 3 babies.
It's fall, and the winds are high right now. They have kites and would love to have someone else spend quality time. That time is so much more important than anything else on the earth.
People that do too much really don't understand that when life wears you down and makes you stop running, you HAVE to be still. In that stillness you can see everything. Your present, your past, and what you want to manifest in your future.
ok.........
Cut short by the family. Lol he yells to me that the baby is hungry and the girls run downstairs with their fancy lil clothes they have picked out lol. My peace to write has been paused by better demands.
Ugh!!!!!
I hear my babies in the kitchen trying to get his attention before he leaves. He be in such a zone he can't even hear them speak to him. They are pretending to be chefs while they make their Nutella sandwiches. I didn't make the turkey bacon. I hear the youngest sadly say he doesn't care and my oldest says so mommy does. Ughhhhhhh
O Well. Jus that quick me asking him to bring my prince down, his all day away from home starts.
My oldest goes I wish we could live in a box Mom so he wont have a reason not to spend so much time with us. That was  a very long convo.