;)

Yes!!! We always hender ourselves from success. Even when God clearly removes things out of our lives we find ways going out of our way! To continue to b connected 

The art of letting go is a meticulous craft. However freeing and simple one. 

Why choose pain when peace is always right there with you?

I've found I have done enough trying to cut with my tongue.
Yup. Finally.
He asked me to do something for him yesterday as usual.
I felt like saying 'where's your whore?'
'Why I always gotta make calls for you? Why I Have to make sure certain things are right for and with you? $40? Why she ain't mail it to you?'
However I know my brain just has recorded images
And sounds backs of pain
Which would make my mouth
Only cause more pain
I might as well listen to what my heart says
My hearts says 'yes I can do that for you'
My heart says not a big deal. Look how excited the kids are to hear his voice and look woman. You are a winner. No matter the outcome with him you are always on top. And if you can do it do it just don't go moving mountains to do it
All done Peace 

It's amazing tat throughout all the hurt and pain that I continue to feel. I still have not yet moved on.
I have not yet moved on, however, I am living!
I have made a promise to myself to live in the meanwhile. Why should I stop? To then live with regret?
Absolutely not. I am very intuitive and gifted. I have to start opening my ears to listen. In this day and time the 'pour out' is getting louder. It's being poured unto and given unto many.
Live and Love thyself.
:) vs :(  I have a voice and I need to start using it and healing with it 

Accountability sometimes can be a hard one to mount up to. My dad always told me if you want to know if you are lying to yourself or not just look yourself in the eyes through the mirror. You'll know. Makes sense. Wouldn't just be nice if our hearts did exactly what our brains told us? Lol
Life really is short when you add it all up by the seconds. You think you would get this long number you can't pronounce or name off. You don't.
Most people retire at 65-70 and then curtains. That's all folks.
I keep telling myself the same things over again. Then like an addict I'm all in
Just to get hurt again.
People will not treat you different until you make them. 

O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law. (1 Corinthians 15:55, 56 KJV)

Waking through the job I see in my mind a bee latching to my calf and it had hands like a human almost. It stings repeatedly. I don't feel a thing. It's like the stinger wasn't there. I knew it was stinging though because bees die when they have no stinger. It just wasn't phasing me.
I ask my co-worker what he thought that meant. He says the violin has been playing for you and you've been taking it. Now the trumpet is going to play.
He explains to me that all these bites against me won't kill me.
Ok. So that's a for sure way of sayin what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. :)
That means all the pain that I am going through I am not killing myself. I have so much life in me. I know I do. I deserve the best.
I will obtain it for me and my children.
Speaking of them brings a nice warm smile to my face. I miss them like crazy all while at work then go in on them when I pick them up from school LOL. They have waaaaaaaaaay too much energy.
If you could only meet them. They are so smart and helpful. My oldest has this 'I help take care of this attitude'. My baby girl, my middle child has this so nurturing and mushy attitude but very hyper. My son is just the happiest baby ever. I am blessed. Too blessed. The first two are very clingy and attached to me. They would not go to anyone or be bothered by anyone else. My son is just easy going. He is becoming high maitenance though. He has this leadership Ora about him. I know he will do great things just as my girls will too.
Taking them to the Disney auditions for tryouts this fall. Make them bring their violins as well.

Wow. My husband just called. My car got sent to the shop and he told me to get rid of it. We are going through something right now. He said he will still send the money. The agreement was I keep the car which was my Mothers Day gift and he not put anymore money into it. Told him over and over again of he just like those Benz's we can get a brand new one comes with Warrenty and all. Long story short he does provide for his family. I can not take that away from him. Like I told though he makes me sometimes want to just say forget it though and abort the situation and take nothing from him.

In the end it's not the end of everything.
So I'll smile versus dwelling on things I can not change.
I will live and enjoy life. Spent waaaay too long living half way. 

You have to learn someday
I just admire my babies peace in their rest. The three of them so innocent and with such wild free hearts to love and live loud. I do not ever want to take that from them.
I remember taking a shower and hearing loud music play the day after Memorials Day. He asked me to cook on that Monday I would have never done that because I have to go to work the very next day. Anyhow I grill, call his right hand man to make sure he was coming before putting shrimp in my rice and beans. He says he never got the invite but he is glad he got it now and he will throw some things on the grill as well and have the rest of his family come. I said ok.
This is dragging on. Long story short. He showed out a whoooole lot. Came in with an attitude. Saying all I do is take from him and he wants progression. All this over the car. I don't know if his whore saw the car and she wanted it or what. He has to learn to speak to people.
I didn't jump to grab his plate that I had fixed for him when he was ready to go and he just started calling me all types of names and assholes and tried to get his cousin and right hand man to be disrespectful twards me too.
The details are embarrassing.
Later I clean up by myself have loads of trash his mom helps take to the front for me. He just cares about no one but himself and those who can get him to reach the goals he has set for himself.
Life and living is paying bills. I told him every man who is a man provides for their children and their family. Hell I still pay bills.
I find a picture missing so I shoot him a text. The last time he came and took a comforter set without asking me for it. Took mine to give his to his whore. Who does that?! What woman takes a set that a horn bug man uses for his bed? Whatever.
I threaten him and tell him I will call his whore and make her angry to stop whatever benefits she give. That wasn't right. Hey. I know that's why he came by the next morning.
In the shower he starts going in on me with words. Then it gets physical. My kids wake and scream scared and he just won't stop.
The next day he sends a couple apologies however later degrades me again.
I should be done. One things from the fight yelled that I should not forget is that the slate is not clean. Me cheating on him in the 7 1/2 years he was gone after JUST DOING 8 years with him he came home shitted on me with this same woman and many others lasting only onyhs in the street. Just saying that as a note. However I am a wife and that does not make things right.
Though too the slate has been clean. He tipped the scale long time ago if this was tit for tat.
Why is it tit for tat anyway. You love me obviously. So if u can only bring hurt to me leave me alone.
He's been making his way back nice though I know to myself I can not take him back in unless he is coming back in all the way right.
My family my friends no one would understand nor would they approve. Nor do they think it'll ever happen. They say he has to hit rock bottom before he ever appreciates the woman that I am. I am a good woman.
I have to take more moments and look at the beauty I possess and the beautiful mind I have and know that without just saying it.
I am a beautiful woman
I am a smart woman
I am a woman with sooooo much strength
I am a great mother.
I am a good business woman
I am a woman with more than just one trade and skill
I am a woman who has a special effect on others.
I am  so accomplished at this age and I am blessed and I am loved!
I am loved and deserve the best.