Ok, some say that  am so dumb, all i can do is shake my head. This man sed he was comin back a hour ago. He keep sayin the shit he do it's not like he jus b aimin to shoot me. i explained to this morn that it doesn't  matter, i dont care what the intent is the outcome is what matters and at the end of it all the outcome leaves me hurt and loosing something. I have less than what i have strated wit evytime.
That shit is gettin played.
He left me stuch wenesday, missed my test, and i have a big fat zero on my spanish test. That i dont need i aredy dropped that history class. I never hav to fail history classes. Normally i do my thing. That shit was crazy. Not evben gonna go over it unless yall request it.'
Well 'spacesaver' had a good turn out today for this book club. Even though she called beggin me to come outta fear that nonone wud show up for the interview wit Omar Tyree, many showed and they all included me and her a great time. that's what matter.
I sat in the back ground, and watched her mother enjoy what she had put together. Once a few ppl cleared, her mother mentioned that she may have a good thing goin wit the book club. Spacsaver always knows taht it's jus ppl othr than me trustin in her vision  that can support it.
Buzzin, I am waitin for this dude to get here. Dont wanna bug him, but shit. I do too much. He tells me too that he does a lot as well. Especially a lot that he wud normally nevr do. He feels domesticated in a bitch sort of way. hat can i say i think in my mind he shud do a lot of things that he does jus becuz he can't really do anything else.
Callin him now, and he aint even answer. Aint that some shit.
Men love wen women do them like they aint worth
he here in he drunk or somethin wrong wit his ass smh this shit is crazy
i dont know why i deal
for a BABYSITTER?
NJoy

NJoy

I have got to say that you made me cry yesterday. I sat up all night writing in my head. I re-wrote and wrote again until I jus said forget it I got up and started to write.
Writing is always therapy. I hope you like it.
I got angry because I thought of my sister. She was not fortunate as me, mother was on drugs as well, kids grow up angry and all they can do is take it out on the people nearest to them not closest to them. Those closest to them they are normally nurturin.
Excuse the grammar I said I would send it as is for now.
I liked the guys that my mother dated that weren't pervs, cuz they new what it was like.
So how cud they do that to anothr. They knew what it was like wen they were young and banged off a door for that man to get off their sister.
In the middle of their favorite tv show "damn rider was jus bout to get him. They is bring that tv back ma right? I kno u ain't jus sell our tv.".
They kno what it's like to comfort their siblings after being locked in closets and whipped btwn the legs for being too beautiful.
They wud never for my future kids harm them and now that I hav them I still see it the same.
They kno what it's like so how cud they trash my babies future.
I feel stuck. Keep doin what u been doin and u get what u always got. From my math teacher ain't that something
Damn near thirty and I'm still askin to grow into somethin
I wud sit contemplating slit wrists while
Misfits contemplated what color lipstick
Goes with their rhinestone filled bracelets and lipstick
That's so week to their and contemplate a wake less sleep
I wouldn't dare now though it does I feel so bad cross my mind from time to time I smile though I have lil ones that need me
I never question anymore what im here for

That teacher made me cry as I looked at the tough skin she's built but what wen we hurt we can stop the hurt and the smallest things to othrs seem silly n it touches me her
Sometimes men touch me her. I put it on her cuz I'm done goin ovr it
I've cured myself my hair has already fallen out and they already placed me in special needs makin my gym classes for stress relief.
Not knowin I'd hav to lie and say WHY I get out so late ridin the lil yellow bus lol
I'm done dealin with that it's ovr
I will not though let men around my daughters
I kno pervs (perverts) wen I c one I can't help it
It's jus like that
Ugh I'm so ovr it Smile vs Frown my favorite motto

Out of all the things I been goin through tho
My house being broken into, explaining to my oldest she can't have the things that she used to,
Mommy's job are to protect n make things better though, I fix it I tell her
My job leavin me the ultimatum them or school, my doc says I need stress management
I will never again take medicine, yes ok I will c a therapist
I kno I kno u may b leavin soon I’ll think about the fact that I'm pregnant,
You want it
you do
you want it you don't
I want it I do a lil boy my lil boy around the house
You want it I don't want to go through it by myself AGAIN
the doctor says "this may b another miscarriage I'm sorry we'll jus hav to wait I out"
Miscarriages r horrible jus had one
Tears r fallin I want it you don't I don't you want it I dont
Second opinion same thing so Dr Wartman I am seeing. This scary man I have visited before, I kno it's wrong it can't b right playin God death penalties and crooked cops or judges thinkin my man is worthless givin him life.
This can't b right but the nurse says "I see a blood pocket have u bleeding? At least u get it over with now vs not knowing wen the worse will happen and jus waiting".
I come back latr that week I do you dont we do we kno it's not smart so thanks docs for givin us better reason to.....
Lay on this table and inside I'm screaming STOP!!!
I kno somethin is gonna b wrong but POW! Prisoner Of my own Words alecia keys sings and I say nothin as the medicine wrks through my veins gots me sleeping
He wakes me up and says it's over
It's not over excruciating pain all day I deal wit cuz i shouldn't have
The pain I deal wit all weekend and finally on Monday I cry.
I deal through this long horrid test for a city job
Pop those pills and make that call
Doc say it's ok deal I deal till I cry and go to ER cuz im burnin throughout my insides
They giv me morphine and more morphine my uterus too inflamed for them to c they giv me vicoden and I was only there from 3-7:46 they say take some percaset evy 4 hours and go back to who seen u first
They really don't wanna c me they think this is psychological hurt. They c me and "I'm so sorry" we can't do a DnC we have to do the precedure all over again. All my guilt and all my pain and all my I shudda been carefuls really built up again
Bigger than my fetus baby slain that's y I was in full blown labor all weekend till Monday and Tuesday mornin wen the weakness end they back puttin me to sleep again and now I will feel the pain that it shud have been the process all over again
But WAIT I forgot somethin while waiting till 3pm to b see the meter readers come and take the box, got damn now we in the dark and I can't do nothin he can't do nothin
My oldest baby says" I hate wen u sick mommy, I kno it will b embarrassing to tell ppl we don't have electricity, and r house fallin in so wen the teachers ask I won't tell them that". She wants to keep me safe and protect me. My heart weakens and I love my babies jus wen u think u kno all about yours.... That smile comes and you melt but dang why she gotta carry this burden?
Now at home me and him is arguin my oldest even though she's resilient she's not eating
I notice we notice the family notice we deal and
DAMN IT I left the car unlock and my wallet is stolen $200 we already living off of our savings
Thank you cousin for turnin RgE on for me
My baby is happy and we back to arguin and now I see she's not eating OMG "mommy I can't get up my knees feel wobbly"
I'm scared I'm sorry I'm callin your doctor again
I'm changing cuz I kno what's wrong wit my baby she takin in my stress carrying my burdens. All these othr things r not important. This book club I started the lounge in the makin school and no wrk she hear too much.
Her doctor asks if I want her counseling. Yes I do in the meantime I tell myself I kno what's wrong. I look n the mirror and say U. Life is not bad it's the choices we make and how we choose to handle them. U gotta handle them anyway
you gotta go through it. Smile vs Frown she's eating good a drastic and quick two day change. I love my Grls more than anything
Now things aren't great but they r ok
Wen it's not me it's U
How cud u not come home all night and u kno I got school u say hell wit me
I can't continue to b ur fool
We argue again
He says
It's the stress
And pressure
The time I'm facin
His sorries is all I'm facin I
Gotta keep my coooool my daughter jus got better
We arguin
I tol ovr and ovr again get a job now look at the position u put ur family in my Unkl owns companies he'd hire u to help take care of his niece
That’s not good enuf for u though that lil but of pay
I chose to b Cinderella and made u my prince Peter pan I want u to nevr want to b a young boy again
runnin these streets got us in these courts and our heads spin-in
Didn't learn the first time so harder gets this lesson
Keeps comin and comin harder and harder till we DONE TO THE END
and can't get it no more gone from this planet like my Sister and my ex-fiancé can't come in this life to b wit me and try again.
No repent endure the pain so u can learn this lesson

Ugh this dang on roof is leakin jus missed out no more fundin. Knew I was gonna get it
it was foreclosing for a reason bought as is it wasn't kept up wit.
Now yes baby, mommy is gonna fix it
I will find a nice house for us to live in

We arguin I tol ovr and ovr again get a job now look at the posistion u put ur family in my Unkl owns companies he'd hire u to help take care of his niece
Thats not good enuf for u though that lil but of pay
NJoy

I was just bout to add this course so that I could drop another. Yes, I am back in school. Don't kno if I tol u or not, I haven't been keepin up as much as I shud.
So many things have been happening, back to back. At the moment as well, I am looking for another place to stay.
I packed a couple things up jus n case we hav to b outta here sooner than what is expected. How things hav been going wit me you never. I never know rather. I really hav been thinkin too, about my degree. While I ma jobless, I my degree is in early childhood education. Why not do the dare care thing? How things are goin right now wit the economy and all, I cud possibly promote income base childcare. We care -vs- watch your child. I hav so many great ideas for giving back. I thought to do all these things through the book club. I cud jus go right ahead and do them through the daycare. With my degree, I can offer more education base like an early head start program.
Like my Dad keep sayin at least I will hav a babysitter. ME lol
Today was actually a really relaxin day. I dod not see my mother this whole weekend, nor my grandmother. I only talked to my mom a coupl minutes this weekend. For those that kno me that is very diff. Mr Man has been gone for most the day. That is a lil nerve wreckin but i kno he is releived to b abl to b out. He has my car though that's the only thing for me. I sed I won't stress it though.
My niece and nephew came right aftr my God kids left. Both sets stayed the night. That's the othr thing too, I really stay occupied wen kids r around. They giv me life or somethin. I forget the things that stress me, and watch my babies hav fun and b kids. The load keeps me busy and focused on jus that.
My neice and nephew helped the grls make their lil princess house. It was a paint and glue project. Paint got on my couch too. lol That aint so bad I tol myself and kept goin. I took a quick nap while they did that and played, and made a mess.
Everything else is evything. I am jus here now.
I day dreamed of my husband today in the shower. I dreamed of him wanting me and enjoyin my cookin. That's crazy. For what?
I do miss him. I want to be happy though. I want my grls to b happy. They can still b happy without me being wit their dad. I kno they can they have to. I want soemone that will come from wrk everyday and pay all the bills even though I can. I'll pitch in where I can. lol
Well...... I am getting sleepy. This is y my life is everywhere, I never complete a thought, and go on to the next thought jus that quick.
Gotta focus and get organized.
Well, this relaxin day is back to the othr routine in the morning. More studyin, and searchin for a place to live, and papers that hav to b written.. I actually like those papers that hav to b written. The car had broken down, that cost $200, and come to find out the inspection sticker is old. I did not kno that. My mom had got an inspection sticker. All that wrk she had gotten doen cost me $800. Damn
I wont even do it to myself today though. Since I ahve been pretended and hiding what's been goin on infront of my oldest twin, she has started eating again. It's me that is makin her sick. She's worried to death bout me. I remember wen He died, I went through the same thing. Jus puttin food to my mouth made me gag and begin to earl if I forced. I promised to b happier for her carry out these tasks jus becuz they hav to b done and nothin more. That way my babies can stay healthy. Cuz really it is like that. Get this happiness state of mind.
She had been starvin herself, she got weak one mornin to where she cud not really walk well. Wen u get tired and drained, on top of lack pf food you may hav the energy but don't really hav it.
Life really ios that simple and Smile -vs- Frown
NJoy 

It has been a while, that situation was crazy. I had to go and get the whole procedure done over again. Not everything was taken out. The size of it was a lRge fetus. They came in and apologized for not knowing and evythin else.
Guess u kno they gave me some good drugs b4 lettin me go and forgot to take the iV out of my arm.
The American way is to sue ppl right, well that's what I am lookin n2.
The emergency room, the doc gave me two doses of morphine and a vicoden within 4 hours. I did not fall alseep b/c of the pain. He sent me home with the instruction to take percaset evy four hours. That was not wrkin. That's y I called the place again and they seen me. They tried to explain some b.s to me about emotional pain seeming like physical. I almos argued wit her. They did the altra sound and apologized for nit seeing ms sooner wen I called cryin the day before. They asked how cud the hospital send me home like that.

Well throughout the pain, crouchin over in agony I lay on the couch and heard the gas and electric ppl taking the box or somethin off the house. Pitiful. I jus had dreams bout that. I saw and knew they were comin.
We been I. The dark for a week. My next door neighbor let us use her plug for the fridge. She helped us for 5 days. I gave her $65. She see she was on a buyer and cudnt do it any longer.
O well we took all our freezer goods to my Dads and out a fee things from the fridge to my mothers aftr finding out it will take another 5 days to vet it cut back on.
How do I get n these messes.
I got a small little lump of $ the I insurance claim wen someone broke in and took my personal things. Things I cherish cuz memories.
Is it wrong to cling to memories so hard?
Whatevr
Back to the point.
Now it's 37 degrees and I have to stay warm.
I have thoughts of other things I'd like to share, but I always feel so insecure and scared about who will c them later.
Mayb soon not now. I jus feel trapped through This endless cycle of stupid and rash decisions. Where do I turn now.
I tol myself I will go on a 5 day fast this weekend. Can't wait.
Hopefully the cleansing will do. I am motivating myself for positive thought as well, that way things can really start manifesting n the direction I need them to go in.
Well I am beyond tired and I better jus get my things together to go to sleep.
NJoy

Knowledge is just Knowledge unless it's connected to Wisdom. You may consume good or bad knowledge, it's still just knowledge. many have plenty of knowledge yet still don't know what they are doing. All our issues comes from, not a lack of knowledge, but rather the lack of wisdom to process this knowledge. The issue then becomes if one understands that he or she don't know the quality of their knowledge. Also, if they even know or understand how to use such knowledge. Most in our society don't know what they are doing even with knowledge. It dosen't matter if you're a  Bum sleeping on a sidewalk or the CEO of a major Legal Firm, without wisdom as to how to use such knowledge, you still don't know what you're doing.
Now, another issues that we all face is thus; The hardest thing for a Man or Woman to admit is that He or She don't know what they are doing at any given time! Most people feel that if I let them see that I don't know, I'll be looked down on.You may be a Doctor, Lawyer, Teacher,Father or Mother, if you can't admit that you don't know what you are doing then you can't make it right! It takes a real Man or Woman to just stop and say, God, I really don't know what the hell I'm doing. Once anyone can reach this stage in life, then they've reached the first level of Enlightenment.Now one is free from the burden of trying and failing only because you just don't know what you're doing.Also there are those who don't know that they don't know.
It's no Sin, Crime or Less of a Human Being to admit that you don't know what you're doing! Once you can admit that you don't know,now you can start learning how to know.
Peace...
John Norris

Religion is like a penis
It's fine to have one
It's fine to be proud of it
But pleSe don't whip it out in public and start waving it around
And please don't start shoving it down my childrens throat

I like this I saw it on someones Facebook page.

Man, I still feel the cramps and the pain. Not as bad as it was yesterday though. This is crazy I did call a lawyer to dbl ck to c if I have a lawsuit or not. The doc didn't clean me out the first time. So for the whole weekend I was in goin through labor tryin to push the huge fetus size clot or whatever it was out.
I must that friday I got the predators done, I was scared and I too myself somethin like that wud happen. I wonder, do we manifest bad things to come or do we jus have I tuition insight and c them come as they r anyway?
Well went to the hospital monday night. I was crazy mad cuz I was n so much pain takin that test. Need a job though. Skipped school Monday though, I was feelin horrible and I knew I had that civic exam.
Sunday I cried and tried to get this man that I share my nights wit to wake up. He jus b dead to the world thinking I am over exaggerating.
Well at least now he knows why I have been bitching so much lol
It's hard to deal wit ur lain still cook still wash clothes and function.
Anyways my mom kinds convinced me Monday to go to the emergency. Had she not sex leave the kids n bed and I come there I was gonna stay in pain.
Go to the hospital, and right away the doctor says that I am not getting enough pain meds. Gives me a dose of morephine. I still feel the lain did not sleep or nothing.
Come to think right now, cuz they think she crazy I guess u right. Although it won't be bad

I sed this before, I say it again wit more meaning this time. It jus gets worse and worse. The pain is so excruciating. I have popped a pill evy 4 hours since the civil service exam.
I wanted to die taking that exam today for 911 dispatcher. The pain and evything else see past the pain killers. Labor pains once again with no baby as the reward.
Uhhhhh
All I can do is rock back and forth and think of all the things I have to do in about 4 more hours. I am juggling school, 2 rocky relationships, ok minus 1, children, the pregnancy, the abortion, job, finding a job, paying bills.... PAIN PAIN PAIN. THATS ALL I FEEL
things will get better, nothing last forever smile
NJoy