Sitting home. Alone. Again. LOL
It's not so bad though. This is another day my husband has been being really nice. He tried to do things the right way today. Our son had his doctor appointment at the last minute. His lil belly button is still draining. Stains his undershirts up. At first all he could do is follow us so he can carry the car seat up. Surprisingly he stayed.
It's amazing how this was more important than what he had to do. That's not normal. smh lol
I think honestly he jus thought it be better to wait than to leave and come back. Plus he really this time around sees a glimpse of being there for everything for his son. I think. I really don't know. You know how it can be sometimes. You really want something and you begin to see it that way rather it is or is not that way at all. I know that is how it is. Don't wanna be like that. I do clearly see a change. I just don't know what for and what the reason is. I note to self that I will enjoy it while it last. The good and peaceful parts. He still is not doing what he supposed to, however he is not causing me the hell that he was before. We could be here arguing all the time and fighting. Which I then really loose because there is not much I can do right now.
Well, I will take it one day at a time.
I am beyond sleepy, watching Grimlins. Dozing as I type. Ok I guess I will have to fill you in another day.
Peace Feels SOOOOOOOO Good
NJoy

I would very much so like to write about more than just the things that I am goin through with my so called husband.
That's all that is really goin on right now. My little man is beautiful. My girls are playing and fussing as they always do. LOL
He has been nicer I must say since the birth of our son. The way he talks I mean. He does not always answer his phone, and he still stays gone and throws his responsibilities off on someone else. He believes because he pays them to help in his place that makes things better. It doesn't. Its so amazing that he cant see the obvious. He thinks because maybe he cheats on me with someone whose face is as pretty as mine is ok.
I just can't wait. I don't even wanna write it down in fear of jinxing. LOL
What I will say is I can not wait to gain my independence back. My body looks a lot better than it did just yesterday. I feel better getting up and down the stairs....... I feel pain sometimes, I still have to move slow however I feel 10x's better. I don't feel as ugly as I did yesterday. I have been looking in the mirror and having to tell myself 'this too will pass'.
It's funny I tried to tell my girl when all your focus is away from home, those flings die and your home is looking elsewhere.
The fever to be loved and touched on burns in me. I want to feel that again. I want a man to walk behind me as I fix his plate and tell me he got it. Tap my ass and tell me to go sit down and he'll fix his babies plates as well.
I want to be kissed on the back of my neck and rubbed down my cheeks. I figure if I say it enough it'll happen. I mean my Dad kept telling me to fall back and relax and just let things be and things would get better. I can say that they have, although he still sleeps around. Just a minute ago before leaving was the second time since my early pregnancy had he kissed me on the lips. he asked for it. I was reluctant, just not used to him calling constantly and calling me babe and baby and honey.
Well..........
I'll just sit and relax because there is nothing else I can do.
  

I hear the same songs play over and over again in my head. Marsha Ambrosius her voice and ranges I love it.
These constant mood swings and changes are just crazy. A man can never imagine all the emotional and physical changes the woman's body goes through.
Even myself as I laugh. I know better. I know, however it so often jus gets the best of me. You are what you say you are and where you are in life. That is why it is beyond amazing trying to share your reality with someone who just does not want to see it.
So often I have made myself used to just doing what I have to and not what I want to. I finally took a deep breathe and I should not have exhaled yet. I laid down my swords and the war was not over. I made myself comfortable not cause of what I could see when my eyes closed, and not because of what all was transpiring around me, but because I I I I I I I I thought I deserved to be able to.
As these tears make their way down my face, I hear my girls joyful play in the tub, and I feel the soreness of my breast and think of the son upstairs that I have always wanted and prayed for.
My knight and shining armor may have not come like I thought, however I did get the greatest beings that I had wanted and wanted from no one else on the planet. Just being honest. No matter how much pain he has taken me through all these years I would not have been satisfied. All this pain I still feel I needed because I would not have understood when enough is enough otherwise.
One of my greatest fears in life was to be like my mother and grandmother. I even watched my great grandmother be with someone for what they all say was just companionship. Life is too short to not be happy, and to be lured and mistaken by the things that you think should be making you happy. LOL
WE work till we are 65 most of us. Most decease at 73 average. That's not a lot of time in between. I know that two people with the same goals can work together and make things work in harmony. That's pretty much all I want now. I just want my babies to see me smile more than frown. This is what they see right now. Me unhappy and trying to change someone who I have heard from his own mouth that no matter what I do he will not treat me any different.
So when he is finally back from his long trips, his family is the last stop that he makes. Never the first. No matter how much he and disappoints these little faces I love so much. I guess that what stings the most. I never thought he would be like this. I did not know him.
Soon though he will he doesn't know me either.
I confided in him first that I do not want to have my children go through the sad faces. I don't want them to see me do nothing as I know that he comes home from another woman's bed. How can I do that to them? My daughters, I will not be able to tell them anything. They are to never see me in this weak state. I know how I look at my models to be a woman. My babies deserve a good home, seeing my happy face, and a male role model that wants to run around the house with my 3 babies.
It's fall, and the winds are high right now. They have kites and would love to have someone else spend quality time. That time is so much more important than anything else on the earth.
People that do too much really don't understand that when life wears you down and makes you stop running, you HAVE to be still. In that stillness you can see everything. Your present, your past, and what you want to manifest in your future.
ok.........
Cut short by the family. Lol he yells to me that the baby is hungry and the girls run downstairs with their fancy lil clothes they have picked out lol. My peace to write has been paused by better demands.
Ugh!!!!!
I hear my babies in the kitchen trying to get his attention before he leaves. He be in such a zone he can't even hear them speak to him. They are pretending to be chefs while they make their Nutella sandwiches. I didn't make the turkey bacon. I hear the youngest sadly say he doesn't care and my oldest says so mommy does. Ughhhhhhh
O Well. Jus that quick me asking him to bring my prince down, his all day away from home starts.
My oldest goes I wish we could live in a box Mom so he wont have a reason not to spend so much time with us. That was  a very long convo.