It's 5:53am Friday morning. I had a very profound dream. The thoughts as I slept were "he promised again and once again the promise was empty" "NJoy, yes he cudda came home cuz he came back twice and still didn't get his things, but he did not. U can't worry if what keeps him out is better than u. U can't worry if she is prettier more demanding, has a stronger hold or what ever the case may b. The fact is your kids. And his broken promises keep coming and he keeps promising. Stop believing".
That's is what is it is. For me to hear and not hear. For me to see and not see. For me to just keep LIVING as if he is not existing. What I don't mind. Don't matter.
That's funny. I had another pep talk with myself that fast writing this out to u lol. Well, in this dream. I had a little boy that looked and dressed just like my son. However, he was not my son. I looked over him and cared for him as if he were mine. We were walking doing some sort of challenges or something. Well the next challenge I thought aloud that this is crazy and this is gonna be hard, cuz we really have to be careful and jump. I had a sense of fear like I knew it would be hard. This girl says oh no it won't be hard cuz with this one at least if u fall it is over a river.
I see the river now as me this little boy and a man r walking and I tell the man this will be easy we will just walk along the curb. We stay on the curb we b alright.
As I think the rivers current was going down as we had to go up. The across just escaped me. As we talk and let the guard down the sense of urgency seemed safe and he hopped over the gate. Y didn't I run? My slow ass reflexes! As he crossed over he took one little foot off the curb and immediately went under being carried away! I jump in immediately to let the current help and I scream for God to give me the strength. I scream loud and this extra boost pushes me I almost grab a leg ALMOST. twice I got close but this time I damn near had his leg and Yyyyyy Y??????? Did I not continue to fight? Why did I just give up literally just like that when I knew in my heart i shud keep trying. So I take my spirit and hover the boy. As my spirit grabs him I make him be alive however I do not know if that's a reality or not.
When I wake all I can do is lean over and kiss my baby. I thank God that he is here and I realize just how quik ppl or something can go downstream. However this little boy was not mine. I ask myself. Is this y u did not give your all? Is this why once u missed u quit and sed u tried? U decided without deciding that u had enough mayb before u go under too. I felt though right when I have up. That split instant as I have up he immediately was more away from than I would be able to catch up. Even though I had never stopped swimming.
I never stopped swimming but mentally and in my heart I was quitting and that's y I called upon idk my higher self.
I think this little boy could be my nephew as I've gone over all the ways I have to watch my son better even in our yard with no fence. I told myself if I had his walking leash lmao backpack for kids I cudda held it and wudda gone nowhere far.
I think of my nephew and mayb I shud fight harder. After that bullshit I have been doing for him but just puttin him off to his aunt. She told me again when the bus situation gets right I have to get him lol.
Then I thought of my husband. With this little boys independence in my dream. That cud b him. His ways and actions r still childlike in many instances. I thought of how he usually has to pay a stack a ride so mayb he makin his way to a free ride lmao!
If that little boy is my husband. Mayb I have to let him drown cuz I very well could drown trying to save him. Well in the dream I knew I would've been able to a strong strong strong feeling right after I gave up though. But who's to say I would not have beat myself down and aged and damn near drowned myself trying to save him? Is giving a lot of my life's source what I want. Or am I being over dramatic becuz it wasn't all like that?
That's is what is it is. For me to hear and not hear. For me to see and not see. For me to just keep LIVING as if he is not existing. What I don't mind. Don't matter.
That's funny. I had another pep talk with myself that fast writing this out to u lol. Well, in this dream. I had a little boy that looked and dressed just like my son. However, he was not my son. I looked over him and cared for him as if he were mine. We were walking doing some sort of challenges or something. Well the next challenge I thought aloud that this is crazy and this is gonna be hard, cuz we really have to be careful and jump. I had a sense of fear like I knew it would be hard. This girl says oh no it won't be hard cuz with this one at least if u fall it is over a river.
I see the river now as me this little boy and a man r walking and I tell the man this will be easy we will just walk along the curb. We stay on the curb we b alright.
As I think the rivers current was going down as we had to go up. The across just escaped me. As we talk and let the guard down the sense of urgency seemed safe and he hopped over the gate. Y didn't I run? My slow ass reflexes! As he crossed over he took one little foot off the curb and immediately went under being carried away! I jump in immediately to let the current help and I scream for God to give me the strength. I scream loud and this extra boost pushes me I almost grab a leg ALMOST. twice I got close but this time I damn near had his leg and Yyyyyy Y??????? Did I not continue to fight? Why did I just give up literally just like that when I knew in my heart i shud keep trying. So I take my spirit and hover the boy. As my spirit grabs him I make him be alive however I do not know if that's a reality or not.
When I wake all I can do is lean over and kiss my baby. I thank God that he is here and I realize just how quik ppl or something can go downstream. However this little boy was not mine. I ask myself. Is this y u did not give your all? Is this why once u missed u quit and sed u tried? U decided without deciding that u had enough mayb before u go under too. I felt though right when I have up. That split instant as I have up he immediately was more away from than I would be able to catch up. Even though I had never stopped swimming.
I never stopped swimming but mentally and in my heart I was quitting and that's y I called upon idk my higher self.
I think this little boy could be my nephew as I've gone over all the ways I have to watch my son better even in our yard with no fence. I told myself if I had his walking leash lmao backpack for kids I cudda held it and wudda gone nowhere far.
I think of my nephew and mayb I shud fight harder. After that bullshit I have been doing for him but just puttin him off to his aunt. She told me again when the bus situation gets right I have to get him lol.
Then I thought of my husband. With this little boys independence in my dream. That cud b him. His ways and actions r still childlike in many instances. I thought of how he usually has to pay a stack a ride so mayb he makin his way to a free ride lmao!
If that little boy is my husband. Mayb I have to let him drown cuz I very well could drown trying to save him. Well in the dream I knew I would've been able to a strong strong strong feeling right after I gave up though. But who's to say I would not have beat myself down and aged and damn near drowned myself trying to save him? Is giving a lot of my life's source what I want. Or am I being over dramatic becuz it wasn't all like that?
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