Mmmmmmmmmm

I can feel it slowly but surely the old me slipping her way back in to take over. Can't wait. This pain I feel I can rid myself of. I've waited and now I know what I have or have had. SMH LOL
It's crazy how life's activities and the choices that we make for whatever reason change things. I have three beautiful children now, marriage practically over, 13 years or so of my life have been jus stagnation. I've stopped myself from growing turned down opportunities that I could have well benefitted from. But Ahhhhhhh the shouldda woulda coulddda's   Y bother. Time is now and this moment is what my lungs breathe in to keep me moving. Can't live in the past. Besides the future is what I make it to be. Again as my body heals and my heart freezes, the notion of surviving and caring soley for mine takes over.
I just tell myself even though I feel ugly I am not. I'm not. I am beautiful. Even though my husband saying it feels like wedding bells and gold rain at the same time, I don't need it from him. How many people say what he won't say? Well, won't say to me lmao.

I just can't wait. I breath hard just thinking. The idea of a man just touching the side of my face. That soft touch, you know that touch I'm talking about. That touch of admiration and I can just see the lust in his eyes for me beyond the stare. He wants to take me in. I want kissing me. I don't normally like to kiss. However I want to be kissed. I want to rubbed down my arms and my neck. I wanna burn and beg for him not to stop. I wanna beg for it through my eyes, as he ignores me and makes me wait anyway. I wanna feel the heat from his breath from my lips as his tongue lightly traces my jaw line and finds that spot on the back of my neck. I want to feel his warm kisses down my neck as those kisses are planted lower and lower they send chills throughout my spine. 

Soon my day is coming.......

NJoy

Well it's amazing how time changes things. It really does. Time is this element made real by man in the mind. It's all pschogical yet it has such an impact on us.
It's really sad however on the flip when time doesn't change things. For the good I guess. I say this all the time..... 'in life every choice you have is yours. Every decision u make comes with consequence as well though. Rather good or bad consequence that belongs to u. Lol
Ok well my husband came home finally. After all these years. His first week was beautiful. He got the feel for waking with his babies, and he enjoyed me to an extent. I hate lying and wondering when dark secrets will come out. So being sloppy and careless as usual I lefty I gs out to b found. He has been making me pay for it ever since.
Now that I am 6 months pregnant and out of wrk he has been acting better. Guess cuz I used to toss the notion that I don't need anyone.
He asked me to have a baby, sed that would make things better for our marriage. We be stopped yelling and screaming and trying to choke me out every weekend lol. That was crazy. I would try to run. He would drink on Friday and start going crazy on me the whole weekend.
Well blah blah blah all that I'll have to get to it flash backs I guess.
Back to now. He waits till I get pregnant he's sooooo happy all of a sudden then he jus goes off and Waits till I am 3-4 months and says he doesn't wanna wrk it out and I've done too much. What kinda shit is that. Smh. I explained to him it's not me and the things I've done while he was locked up, it's him jus not wanting to do what he wants do to do when and how he wants too. Same thing he sed and did when I was pregnant with the twins. I got pregnant he thought noone wanted me and he was a mess. Horrible mess. Told me we got marrie too young and he wants to b with as many women as he wants to.  Oh well.
Now I have my son finally. Can't wait to name him. Can't wait to c him and get to know him. I feel him moving and it gives me strength to know that I am going to b ok.
With or without him.
Well I have heads to do and have to start focusing on this growing boys future already. I have been so distracted. Trying to prove something I shud not have to prove at all. I am good woman and beautiful and strong. My children prove that. They r brilliant and spiked and annoying lmao.
Hit on the blog tomarrow.
NJoy 

It's amazing how unexpected life is. Wow I'm feeling better already. Just writing as if I am speaking with someone who understands me.
Time is winding down. I feel like things jus keep on happening. I have to tell myself over and over that it's. OT what happens its how u handle it. I just let 3 tears fall to this
Now it's time to cry no more because things are always going to b happening.
I guess I just shrugged my shoulders with that reality and that's how I have to handle things. Just like that. It's a big ol video game. Every time the monsters and the obstacles come u just gotta take the joy stick and jump over it. :)
Wow thats settling.
Now I gues I go handle these money issues and get on the process of getting my car fixed. It takes me to talk back to me.
I'm thankful that I have strong and companionate ppl around me as well. That blessing I will never take for granted.  :) vs :(
NJoy

Life is amazing. The choices you make and the consequenses you expierence. All aiding and compiling on new transformations of YOU. Making each and everyday a new day. Its amazing how we never realise just how amazingly complex the maiking of YOU is. Our shedded hair, to the microscopic cells being washed away......
Watching my own mood swings lately is like watching my kids grow in FF>> LMAO. Their 5 years of built conditioning and forever chaniging behaviors. My bipolar tendencies as I enter a new chapter of adulthood and oldhood LOL comes in seconds.
My math still adds the same way though. shruggun my shoulders to that one. I hate wen othr ppl can't add right. 2+2=5 and 6. so on and so on.
Hey everyone thanks fo listening. Just random thoughts that r too long for tweets LOL
NJOY

Ok, haven't posted in a while. We have all taken a break. Well, I'm actually in a great mood. I told myself I will not let things get the best of me anymore. Situations are only as bad or hood as u make them seem. So much has changed and so many things have happened and I have decided to just smile versus frowning. Jus spoke with this guy to get my tshirt line off the ground, and from here on out I will b sur to post something everyday. NJoy

Ppl, meaning me. Jus have to learn to b satisfied. My old job finally called me back. Now I have been waiting for this moment forever. The fun y thing is that I have been waiting this moment on day shift since I started there 7 years ago. Now since I had started school, I couldn't wait for them to call me back to wrk on C Shift.
Well, evyone keeps reassuring me that I am doin the right thing droppin out of school. I am doin well too. First time I feel so confident. :)
This man here though is drivin me insane. I don't trust him. I always think that he has some sort of sceem going on, or something. He will be leaving soon, he surely will jus don't kno wen. So I think that he is shittin on mentor a place to stay. All I will do not can do is shrug my shoulders. Eithr I am tired of it and I will jus leave him Alone.
This is funny, and it's all in my head. Jus want him to pitch in and take care of where

When you're in the rain, you can't see it's beauty because you're looking for a dry place. Once you're in the dry place, all you see is the rain.Sometimes our mind plays tricks on us and we blame it on life or others.The pain becomes a good excuse for why we're never happy.To stop the pain one much stop the games one has become conditioned to playing with their life. You can never blame others for your pain, you just get in a dry place and not look back at the rain.
Peace...
John L Norris