Today went by in a slow pace. Had to take some shoes back to BCBG. That store had my mouth drop. A few things I liked.
I told my husband this morning when he sed I need to watch my spending that he doesn't pay me enough. Lol. Sometimes I just feel cheated. Lmao.
It's not funny but whatever. Here's a poem.

I get angry at the little things
I get angry and let out all those big things
Those things that have been bothering me
Festering with me.
I get flash backs of his abuse his cheating his inconsistencies constantly
He reminds me of his flaws that have left scars in my heart and open wounds in my mind
In time
I tell myself will heal.
In time all that pain I will no longer feel
And then
His consistency becomes his inconsistencies all over again
Repeating his story history with no remorse or care for me
He's sent me to mental therapy
I'm laughing becuz I was mandated to take my stress and my life as from the outside falling apart seriously
I look in the mirror and ask myself
Why can't I figure it out with the equation being ohhhhh so easy
We do what makes sense right?
I don't know what makes sense
I want to believe him
I want to have faith in him
I want him to love me like he acts like he loves him
Yup. Himself lol
Sometimes I think I'm jealous of him
I think I'm jealous cuz I can't do the things he do how he DO him

It seems the more I give my all
The harder I ride the more I risk the more he goes commando.
The more I give the more he asks me to give all and I get bills paid lol
Is that all I'm worth?
My rent? And him taking care of HIS KIDS?
He says he loves me thas y I drive this pretty Mercedes Benz......
I give my all. I cook. I play clean up
I think and I create and I dream for two not just for me
My inbox gets full and some days I don't want to ignore them
The inquiries as to 'can I get close to u?' get temptin
I get tired of sayin 'I'm sorry I'm taken'
The reply is 'I wouldn't know by the ring you're not wearin'
Yes I'm laughin.
Cuz when I too say 'my husband'
They look at my bare finger and look around like I always c her alone.
All these beautiful relationships I'm seeing
Embarrassed of being out in public or being me and doing one of my speeches and a woman's voice snickers from the crowd and laughs at the advice I'm givin
Cuz she knows When my bed is empty at night lets me know she gettin
What My HUSBAND is givin
But I'm steady giving.
Giving myself and my all and I hear men that are single say they searching
Cuz I am what they r wishing
But I want Him to be wishing he could make me smile for every tear he has had drop and
Make me laugh for every pain he has caused and
Even pain he has not
Cuz he can't stand that my heart has tatted painful memories and scorns all over bleeding when things trigger
I really thought he wud erase and take away all my pain
I hear what the men outside be rappin and
I wish I was gullible and not as smart and even in most cases smarter than them
So their arms I could fall right in

I be wantin to be bad
But my mistakes from the past
Gave me lessons and my babies have given me a new perspective.
My new knowings and understandings won't let me
I am done beating myself up for me fallen weak for my poor decisions and hurtful deception
No matter my reasons
I don't know y I'm scared to change.
Fearing the X lol
My knowledge of self and knowing who I am hide away
I fear even though I foresee most things
A blessing from my abuelita
But then a curse cuz I KNOW
I choose to ignore.
I even empathically feel
I feel and  it hurts so y have I not left?
I've been alone for many years
Do I just yearn for punishment?
Or is these thoughts the first step of the changing?
They say the process is thought word and then it forms
And mayb then I will take action
I keep hoping in the process he changes to keep me from leaving
The beautiful thing is I know once I am gone
I will not care what efforts he takes anymore or how he feels or any thoughts on the matter period.
Just thoughts of me


Now I'm doin what I love. My three babies and I r havin movie night at home. We made buffalo wing dip turkey pepperoni and grapes. No popcorn. Lol
Things I go through r just that. I am glad I have a mind that allows me the opp to escape the pain I feel

NJoy

Morning

This mornig I don't know what is going on. Didn't sleep till late, and I just wand to lay in bed.Some mornings have to be te mornings for me.
I would've been nice to wake up to kisses on my neck, and soft rubs up my thigh. It seems we only sleep together when he feels I'm just about tired of his shit. LOL SMDH
I am. I wanted ask him before he left to just free me. I know he is not gonna do right. I cater cuz it is in my nature. I like to make sure my family is happy. A pleaser. I get ot from my mother. However I do not want to be submissive like her. A man can just walk all over her.
I told my husband that is a fear. I do not want to be anything like them. I mean I like the things I do pick up, the good cooking, being clean, my Man doesn't hav to go outside our household for anything. But yet I am masterbating. I felt a huge amount of guilt yesterday morning too. I know I am jmping all over the place.. When the big one came, for the first time His name didn't escape my lips. I crave I yearn to be WANTED.
LMAO! When I saw Him, my husband I looked at him and tried to see him desiring me and made myself desire him. I worked at it. My menstral cycle is coming again soon and we have had sex 3 times this month. Its not even funny. No lol. That was work.
Well he came home last night. I can count how many times he has stayed here since we have moved. It's been one excuse after the other always blaming things on work when his ass purposely is cutting his phone off.
Something did seem different about him last night though. He seemed very very tired. He looked also like he lost a friend. LOL Yes that is sad it makes me feel a little good, but then it is aggrivating cuz nigga u round here sad about who and what. Business is hard I know that but he plays just as hard.
He claim he stayin in the house all day today. I know that is not possible. So asked him if he wanted to do this paint thing with me. He sed he jut want to lay dwn all day and rest up. OK That's cool. Really is though.
I know it seems like a lot it is what it is. I layed on the couch wth the twins this morning for a little extra sleep and woke to play a cupl hands of UNO with them. That was fun and then to business. made some salmon patties and grits for brkfst.
Peaceful. Those thoughts above ain't come till he left to grab somethin, and when I called he didn't answer. All of a sudden he calls from a diff number and tells me he got a new phone. YEA Ok. Now I sed last night the only way he leaving those phones out is becuz he has another one I don't know about. Now he cut the family phone off though. SMH
Hate it when ppl think they are smarter than me.
The point has becoming though that I do not care.
:)
NJoy

Thank u

With so much going on I forget to say thank u for looking over my thoughts. Your thoughts and input are awsome.
In every trial in life births lessons hopefully learned to do better in the future. :)
Every choice and action have consequences. We all just hope that the consequences r positive ones.
My challenges r just that. I work towards handling things like the matrix. Cuz in reality. We make the good good, and the bad bad with our thought process. Sometimes life lessons r just that. Processes.
:)
Thank u again
From : NJoy 

I purposely pull off leaving my babies with my grandmother to grab the pizza I ordered.
My eye is still bad. It looks beautiful after having been unable to see for 2 whole days and sparingly having sight for the two after that.
No my husband didn't cause the issue this time. I was grateful to God that for the funeral this past Monday my eye watered bad but vision was clear to c her lay to rest. I'll explain later.

It's funny I couldn't bare to keep him at my house by himself. Not after that. I also had to c if his aunts language penetrated his brain or not.
I took my glasses off and asked him was he truly sorry for trying to kill us. Cuz pretty much in a nut shell that is what it was. I told him u did know that u cudda hurt my babies. What did any of us ever do to u but love you? I demanded his answer again. I sed u did know that the cud hurt. He sed yes. I told him I know when u lie. He sed I feel bad about it. I looked him in the eye tears welding rage building and told him I do not know who he is. What did u expect to happen if one of us got sick. U damn sure wouldn't b going anywhere u wanted go. U know that right?! He sed he didn't think about that. "Is it in ya fuckin head now?!" Cuz no one wud back u. U know that right. No one. U know why. Cuz u not a 14 year old boy. That is that white shit. Foster kid white shit u on. Damaging ppl food and toothbrushes. No one want u in they home alone cuz they can't fuckin trust ya spiteful ass. Do u get that? He sed yes.
"You c how hard ya uncle rock for u? Do u think he would let someone harm his babies and walk away? Do you?!!! U sed u heard stories about his temper in the streets. Y wud u think u would still b looked at by anyone as a 14 year old boy? U wud b a fuckin abomination and a 14 year old devil that needs to b locked the fuck up or dead somewhere harming babies and ppl that love u. Ya own family nigga. The only reason I ain't beat like a young evil fuck boy on the streets is cuz u have ya momma eyes. I rocked hard for your mother. She's dead she gone. I don't owe u or her shit!!! I don't owe K or Q shit. I don't owe anyone anything. I look out I take u in I give what I have n split what I have in 4 now insted of just 3. U only still in my home cuz u have her eyes n I mean that. I only didn't tell cuz u gettin this last chance after this u will be dealt with like a 14 year old crazy evil malicious baby killer.".
I jus hope I am not bringing my babies harm letting him back in. I hate having to watch his move in my home too. My home is supposed to b my safe haven. It's supposed to my comfortable peace place.

And the crazy begins

I have her name tatted on my arm. We were so close. I never had and it seems will ever have another friend and sister that I didn't have to argue with. We actually just disagreed, talked about it and got over it.
At a young age she was so much more nature than me
I know it's becuz she had to be.
On the deep freezer one night she just poured out her confessions to me.
She explained to me that I looked better with her son. I knew it was becuz she was going through the motions and the changes with her sons father. Yes he truly is just a baby daddy.
She told me she was tired and she alredy raised kids. She told me "you love him and you look good with children. Take him for at least 3 days for me". Me being me and knowing that I lived in my mothers house I didn't want to burden her with the fact that I was taking on at least a week full of responsibility. I explained to my girl to just work things out as a family with her son since she took the dad back and things will get better.
They didn't to make a long story short. She was murdered maybe two to three days after that convo.
I thought to fight for him in court becuz I knew that she would have wanted me to have him. No one could imagine how close we actually were. She knew her daughters which were actually her sisters would not be able to raise him. Plus they were her daughters not her sisters as they were all born to be. She didn't want life to stop for them with all that pressure put on them that was placed on her. In her eyes they themselves still needed looking after. :)
Long story short again court was messy. They all started fighting against each other which made it easy to make a decision against them. How they grieved was crazy and selfish. They and they alone were the only ones that felt the pain of her loss and they and they alone were the only ones who knew what she wanted. Even though they were her babies so she did not speak to them on her level. :) I punked out and backed out cuz it was just too much.
She was a love of mine my sister and my friend.
Her son. My nephew. My husbands blood nephew has finally come to live with us without him wanting to. He had been getting into trouble and running the streets when he is not a street kid. He's not tuff like his mother or his uncles. He grabbed him up. Brought him home and told me to feed him becuz he was hungry and so I did. Of course throughout the years I had always kept in touch with him. Grabbed him up and let him stay the night and blah blah blah like a good aunti. Now at 14 years old an adolescent boy he is, and used to making his own choices and suffering little consequences is here to live with us.
I opened my arms with the idea becuz I knew what my girl would've wanted. I opened my arms with the opportunity to makeup for denying her to keep him when she asked me to. I opened my arms cuz he looks so much like her and he's just a boy. I opened my arms becuz I love all of our babies, and him being of her just made it easier and I could makeup for pinking out and not stepping in when I knew I should've.
Now I don't know. Lmao. I think i want his ass gone. He does spiteful things that tell me he is no longer cut from the same cloth. Yesterday he put mop water and soap it something in our collard greens. I took some out before I cut the greens off to go to mothers to grab my babies. I tasted them and I let my grandma taste them. They were a little hit but slammin. Now I get home and as I approach the stove it smells like pee. I immediately yell for him to get downstairs. My intuition is giving to me through my bloodline. My abuelita owned the Botanicles on Clinton where I'm from. That's the PR central. Before I left I felt I shud not leave without covering the pot. The greens were boiling so I just cut them off and knew they would piping hot by time I made it back still. I didn't think they would smell. I ask him why the fuck my greens smell like piss. He whines I don't knoooooww. I said you know. I told him to eat them. I bent over smelled them and they didn't smell like urine, they smelled of mop water a little and dish soap. I place the spoon with a broom in the other hand and I tell him you better taste these greens. He claims he doesn't eat greens at first and then he says ok he will taste them.
I get it outta him that he put dish soap in the damn pot of greens and fabuloso. I want to beat the shit outta him with the broom. I couldn't do it. I did wack his ass good though. I asked him was he gonna sit and watch us eat the fuckin greens while he just ate steak and rice? He proclaimed he wasn't gonna do that. He was gonna let us know before we ate it.
I am not buying that shit. Just last week I threw our toothbrushes out becuz mine had hair in it. I sed mayb the baby got hold of it. My intuition kept sayin ya son ain't even that filthy and he ain't two yet. That little fucker in that room did it.
He asks me am I gonna tell his uncle. I just look at him. My husband would have to beat his ass for that one.  That's a fact cuz I want to.  So I tell him no. He sed he ain't mean in I tell him stop sayin that. I let him know men don't back down or coward out to the choices they make they just endure the consequences. That's what men do. I tell him u wanna be a man so bad u think u so grown that little punk ass $500 u get from your mothers death ain't shit. We spent that the first couple days u got to the house I told him. Nobody looked for him or noticed he was gone. They were relieved when we first got him.
He tells me sorry he just used to doing what he want to do and he was fine where he was at. He sed " I wasn't given a choice I don't wanna be here. People always tellin me what to so when I can come and go and how and where I gotta be". You punk though and u wanna run the streets. These cats runnin u for your sneakers and shit out here and u claim u like the streets that show no fuckin love.  Especially to you when they run u. U ain't bossin.
He tells me he just gotta get used to it and all that. He tells me he really feels he was fine where he was at and he don't like being told what to do.
"Well mutha Fucka u a kid. And if u don't start enjoyin being one ya ass gonna be in jail somewhere or Juvi And the guards and niggas there gonna always tell u what to do. Ya uncle snatched you up cuz u was in the back of a police car alredy. Where's your next stop?".
He has no answer for me. None at all. Just tells me he truly is sorry. And he feel bad for taking it out on us. Cuz I explained to him that we love him and we shouldn't have to pay and suffer for how he feel. His pops sed it aloud that he don't want him. His mother is dead and his aunts gave him a try alredy. Both grandmas on drugs and sick so they can't handle him. Told him this his last stop. If wants to go I take his ass right to the group home. He can stay there and run away get released and live his life how he want to.
He sed no. I don't know. I still want him to be physically disciplined. I called one of his aunts  he started cryin after he got off the phone with her. He cries easy so I don't know if it truly worked. She told me to bring him to her house. Cuz along with the greens I found comit on my oldest daughter toothbrush....told him this the last time he gets away with this nonsense hear.
He called me cryin at her house apologizing and then heavy cryin in the background. This soft ass cruel and spiteful little boy.
I am just bout tired.

when is enough enough

I called him and asked him to bring someyhunh fkr the baby his diaper  rash. Its sad . he clearly sounded drunk. I want something different different.  I  have  to  work  hzrd just  like him.  I have  to  do  things for him when thingx dont don't  go  rright.  He wud ssy i do nothing.  Crazy.  😱 i want to be loved.
How do i get out of this mess ? How?  Really  how? ?
i made a phone call  tonight and asked jf i cud get some attention .  I  know  I  won't  go  the full mkle . I just want a distraction.

My nephew just got in the car. its amazing how being a youg man can be so different than being a young woman. He gets in pride nd freedom feeling snatched from him. He only understands his feelings and his thoughts on what he wants