Thank u

With so much going on I forget to say thank u for looking over my thoughts. Your thoughts and input are awsome.
In every trial in life births lessons hopefully learned to do better in the future. :)
Every choice and action have consequences. We all just hope that the consequences r positive ones.
My challenges r just that. I work towards handling things like the matrix. Cuz in reality. We make the good good, and the bad bad with our thought process. Sometimes life lessons r just that. Processes.
:)
Thank u again
From : NJoy 

I purposely pull off leaving my babies with my grandmother to grab the pizza I ordered.
My eye is still bad. It looks beautiful after having been unable to see for 2 whole days and sparingly having sight for the two after that.
No my husband didn't cause the issue this time. I was grateful to God that for the funeral this past Monday my eye watered bad but vision was clear to c her lay to rest. I'll explain later.

It's funny I couldn't bare to keep him at my house by himself. Not after that. I also had to c if his aunts language penetrated his brain or not.
I took my glasses off and asked him was he truly sorry for trying to kill us. Cuz pretty much in a nut shell that is what it was. I told him u did know that u cudda hurt my babies. What did any of us ever do to u but love you? I demanded his answer again. I sed u did know that the cud hurt. He sed yes. I told him I know when u lie. He sed I feel bad about it. I looked him in the eye tears welding rage building and told him I do not know who he is. What did u expect to happen if one of us got sick. U damn sure wouldn't b going anywhere u wanted go. U know that right?! He sed he didn't think about that. "Is it in ya fuckin head now?!" Cuz no one wud back u. U know that right. No one. U know why. Cuz u not a 14 year old boy. That is that white shit. Foster kid white shit u on. Damaging ppl food and toothbrushes. No one want u in they home alone cuz they can't fuckin trust ya spiteful ass. Do u get that? He sed yes.
"You c how hard ya uncle rock for u? Do u think he would let someone harm his babies and walk away? Do you?!!! U sed u heard stories about his temper in the streets. Y wud u think u would still b looked at by anyone as a 14 year old boy? U wud b a fuckin abomination and a 14 year old devil that needs to b locked the fuck up or dead somewhere harming babies and ppl that love u. Ya own family nigga. The only reason I ain't beat like a young evil fuck boy on the streets is cuz u have ya momma eyes. I rocked hard for your mother. She's dead she gone. I don't owe u or her shit!!! I don't owe K or Q shit. I don't owe anyone anything. I look out I take u in I give what I have n split what I have in 4 now insted of just 3. U only still in my home cuz u have her eyes n I mean that. I only didn't tell cuz u gettin this last chance after this u will be dealt with like a 14 year old crazy evil malicious baby killer.".
I jus hope I am not bringing my babies harm letting him back in. I hate having to watch his move in my home too. My home is supposed to b my safe haven. It's supposed to my comfortable peace place.

And the crazy begins

I have her name tatted on my arm. We were so close. I never had and it seems will ever have another friend and sister that I didn't have to argue with. We actually just disagreed, talked about it and got over it.
At a young age she was so much more nature than me
I know it's becuz she had to be.
On the deep freezer one night she just poured out her confessions to me.
She explained to me that I looked better with her son. I knew it was becuz she was going through the motions and the changes with her sons father. Yes he truly is just a baby daddy.
She told me she was tired and she alredy raised kids. She told me "you love him and you look good with children. Take him for at least 3 days for me". Me being me and knowing that I lived in my mothers house I didn't want to burden her with the fact that I was taking on at least a week full of responsibility. I explained to my girl to just work things out as a family with her son since she took the dad back and things will get better.
They didn't to make a long story short. She was murdered maybe two to three days after that convo.
I thought to fight for him in court becuz I knew that she would have wanted me to have him. No one could imagine how close we actually were. She knew her daughters which were actually her sisters would not be able to raise him. Plus they were her daughters not her sisters as they were all born to be. She didn't want life to stop for them with all that pressure put on them that was placed on her. In her eyes they themselves still needed looking after. :)
Long story short again court was messy. They all started fighting against each other which made it easy to make a decision against them. How they grieved was crazy and selfish. They and they alone were the only ones that felt the pain of her loss and they and they alone were the only ones who knew what she wanted. Even though they were her babies so she did not speak to them on her level. :) I punked out and backed out cuz it was just too much.
She was a love of mine my sister and my friend.
Her son. My nephew. My husbands blood nephew has finally come to live with us without him wanting to. He had been getting into trouble and running the streets when he is not a street kid. He's not tuff like his mother or his uncles. He grabbed him up. Brought him home and told me to feed him becuz he was hungry and so I did. Of course throughout the years I had always kept in touch with him. Grabbed him up and let him stay the night and blah blah blah like a good aunti. Now at 14 years old an adolescent boy he is, and used to making his own choices and suffering little consequences is here to live with us.
I opened my arms with the idea becuz I knew what my girl would've wanted. I opened my arms with the opportunity to makeup for denying her to keep him when she asked me to. I opened my arms cuz he looks so much like her and he's just a boy. I opened my arms becuz I love all of our babies, and him being of her just made it easier and I could makeup for pinking out and not stepping in when I knew I should've.
Now I don't know. Lmao. I think i want his ass gone. He does spiteful things that tell me he is no longer cut from the same cloth. Yesterday he put mop water and soap it something in our collard greens. I took some out before I cut the greens off to go to mothers to grab my babies. I tasted them and I let my grandma taste them. They were a little hit but slammin. Now I get home and as I approach the stove it smells like pee. I immediately yell for him to get downstairs. My intuition is giving to me through my bloodline. My abuelita owned the Botanicles on Clinton where I'm from. That's the PR central. Before I left I felt I shud not leave without covering the pot. The greens were boiling so I just cut them off and knew they would piping hot by time I made it back still. I didn't think they would smell. I ask him why the fuck my greens smell like piss. He whines I don't knoooooww. I said you know. I told him to eat them. I bent over smelled them and they didn't smell like urine, they smelled of mop water a little and dish soap. I place the spoon with a broom in the other hand and I tell him you better taste these greens. He claims he doesn't eat greens at first and then he says ok he will taste them.
I get it outta him that he put dish soap in the damn pot of greens and fabuloso. I want to beat the shit outta him with the broom. I couldn't do it. I did wack his ass good though. I asked him was he gonna sit and watch us eat the fuckin greens while he just ate steak and rice? He proclaimed he wasn't gonna do that. He was gonna let us know before we ate it.
I am not buying that shit. Just last week I threw our toothbrushes out becuz mine had hair in it. I sed mayb the baby got hold of it. My intuition kept sayin ya son ain't even that filthy and he ain't two yet. That little fucker in that room did it.
He asks me am I gonna tell his uncle. I just look at him. My husband would have to beat his ass for that one.  That's a fact cuz I want to.  So I tell him no. He sed he ain't mean in I tell him stop sayin that. I let him know men don't back down or coward out to the choices they make they just endure the consequences. That's what men do. I tell him u wanna be a man so bad u think u so grown that little punk ass $500 u get from your mothers death ain't shit. We spent that the first couple days u got to the house I told him. Nobody looked for him or noticed he was gone. They were relieved when we first got him.
He tells me sorry he just used to doing what he want to do and he was fine where he was at. He sed " I wasn't given a choice I don't wanna be here. People always tellin me what to so when I can come and go and how and where I gotta be". You punk though and u wanna run the streets. These cats runnin u for your sneakers and shit out here and u claim u like the streets that show no fuckin love.  Especially to you when they run u. U ain't bossin.
He tells me he just gotta get used to it and all that. He tells me he really feels he was fine where he was at and he don't like being told what to do.
"Well mutha Fucka u a kid. And if u don't start enjoyin being one ya ass gonna be in jail somewhere or Juvi And the guards and niggas there gonna always tell u what to do. Ya uncle snatched you up cuz u was in the back of a police car alredy. Where's your next stop?".
He has no answer for me. None at all. Just tells me he truly is sorry. And he feel bad for taking it out on us. Cuz I explained to him that we love him and we shouldn't have to pay and suffer for how he feel. His pops sed it aloud that he don't want him. His mother is dead and his aunts gave him a try alredy. Both grandmas on drugs and sick so they can't handle him. Told him this his last stop. If wants to go I take his ass right to the group home. He can stay there and run away get released and live his life how he want to.
He sed no. I don't know. I still want him to be physically disciplined. I called one of his aunts  he started cryin after he got off the phone with her. He cries easy so I don't know if it truly worked. She told me to bring him to her house. Cuz along with the greens I found comit on my oldest daughter toothbrush....told him this the last time he gets away with this nonsense hear.
He called me cryin at her house apologizing and then heavy cryin in the background. This soft ass cruel and spiteful little boy.
I am just bout tired.

when is enough enough

I called him and asked him to bring someyhunh fkr the baby his diaper  rash. Its sad . he clearly sounded drunk. I want something different different.  I  have  to  work  hzrd just  like him.  I have  to  do  things for him when thingx dont don't  go  rright.  He wud ssy i do nothing.  Crazy.  😱 i want to be loved.
How do i get out of this mess ? How?  Really  how? ?
i made a phone call  tonight and asked jf i cud get some attention .  I  know  I  won't  go  the full mkle . I just want a distraction.

My nephew just got in the car. its amazing how being a youg man can be so different than being a young woman. He gets in pride nd freedom feeling snatched from him. He only understands his feelings and his thoughts on what he wants 

chasing Fools gold by Jill Scott

Its amazing how in life we actually for our reality based on illusions of what we want. We try quinching our thirst from wine instead of water.Wondering we we are never hydrated and satisfied.
How does one escape BONDAGE. How does one escape their MIND. THERE IS No Escape
I c just why ppl are so unhappy living through their senses
Attitudes constantly changing
Perceptions on life and lifes chagnges constantly changing
Here in the mind is the hardest to break free of and accept
We say learn to accept what God allows
Learn to deal with consequences of all our actions
And good and bad consequences that come from our actions

I whispered in my Aunti ear that if she is ready, to embrace it and have no fear
She told me that she ws scared but ready wow. she told me she just feared for her husband and his surgeries and she feared for her children not having themselves together. she told me she feared for her youngest being so far away. even though she is right in her home town.
I just don't to die with regrets. I dont wan to be n y death bed and say I wish i couldve doen this or i wasn't happy bout that. Life is so short and we have the POWER to impress on ourselves our FUTURE and our FATE. if and only if we can free ourselves from bondage.

Hmmmmmm it's amazing how i want to tell myself that i am free and i am lying to myself
I guess it's a process.
NJoy 

I hope Im waking

I look down at my swollen knee as i know today is the move day. Just yesterday I culdnt really decide where and what I want to do from here.
I am sick of his cheating, his lies, his lack of time, his drinking, his aggresion, ad his violent nasty mouth, and ways. Oh yea and his selfish ways, his me myself and i mentality.
LMAOso you wonder hy the hell am I still dealing. I ask myself that too.
I just want to be loved and i just want to be happy. Happiness is the key to success. I know this as i strive hard and warn out to reach my goals.