You have to learn someday
I just admire my babies peace in their rest. The three of them so innocent and with such wild free hearts to love and live loud. I do not ever want to take that from them.
I remember taking a shower and hearing loud music play the day after Memorials Day. He asked me to cook on that Monday I would have never done that because I have to go to work the very next day. Anyhow I grill, call his right hand man to make sure he was coming before putting shrimp in my rice and beans. He says he never got the invite but he is glad he got it now and he will throw some things on the grill as well and have the rest of his family come. I said ok.
This is dragging on. Long story short. He showed out a whoooole lot. Came in with an attitude. Saying all I do is take from him and he wants progression. All this over the car. I don't know if his whore saw the car and she wanted it or what. He has to learn to speak to people.
I didn't jump to grab his plate that I had fixed for him when he was ready to go and he just started calling me all types of names and assholes and tried to get his cousin and right hand man to be disrespectful twards me too.
The details are embarrassing.
Later I clean up by myself have loads of trash his mom helps take to the front for me. He just cares about no one but himself and those who can get him to reach the goals he has set for himself.
Life and living is paying bills. I told him every man who is a man provides for their children and their family. Hell I still pay bills.
I find a picture missing so I shoot him a text. The last time he came and took a comforter set without asking me for it. Took mine to give his to his whore. Who does that?! What woman takes a set that a horn bug man uses for his bed? Whatever.
I threaten him and tell him I will call his whore and make her angry to stop whatever benefits she give. That wasn't right. Hey. I know that's why he came by the next morning.
In the shower he starts going in on me with words. Then it gets physical. My kids wake and scream scared and he just won't stop.
The next day he sends a couple apologies however later degrades me again.
I should be done. One things from the fight yelled that I should not forget is that the slate is not clean. Me cheating on him in the 7 1/2 years he was gone after JUST DOING 8 years with him he came home shitted on me with this same woman and many others lasting only onyhs in the street. Just saying that as a note. However I am a wife and that does not make things right.
Though too the slate has been clean. He tipped the scale long time ago if this was tit for tat.
Why is it tit for tat anyway. You love me obviously. So if u can only bring hurt to me leave me alone.
He's been making his way back nice though I know to myself I can not take him back in unless he is coming back in all the way right.
My family my friends no one would understand nor would they approve. Nor do they think it'll ever happen. They say he has to hit rock bottom before he ever appreciates the woman that I am. I am a good woman.
I have to take more moments and look at the beauty I possess and the beautiful mind I have and know that without just saying it.
I am a beautiful woman
I am a smart woman
I am a woman with sooooo much strength
I am a great mother.
I am a good business woman
I am a woman with more than just one trade and skill
I am a woman who has a special effect on others.
I am  so accomplished at this age and I am blessed and I am loved!
I am loved and deserve the best.

Just one thought away from happiness
Ok, it's a new day. The sun is shining the birds are singing..... Need I say more? I tell everyone we are just one thought away from happiness. So why carry yesterday on to my today? I can not allow one moment or one comment or things that I can not control destroy me. I have a goal to reach. My children are smart, hyper, LOL and healthy.
I couldn't ask for more (other than a supportive husband, or divine intervention in the one I have because 15 years of my life have gone to this for me to hear he buys another woman gear and things while I am still asking for summer clothes and a car seat). See that's what I mean I don't stop. I am laughing though because really it's all good.
Todays agenda is a baby shower and me coming home to clean up and marinate my meat fro tomorrow. Really don't want to do a lot of cooking because we have to work the next day so simple cabobs are on the menu for mine.
I must say I do enjoy cooking. May not be the top chef but I can do my thang.
Thought I would just check in before the day got away from me. Yesterday was a beautiful day as well I just let bull decide the way I ended it. Won't happen today though.

 

Joy Stealers

Its imperative that you keep in mind where and why information that comes to you, is given to you. Everyone has an angle or a motive. People just be mad at him. Its amazing how many things I continue to hear about my husband. I think it's sad really. I did tell him that he has only one friend. I did tell him that. He thinks different or simply doesn't care because he feels that he has everything under wrap. Its sad that he does not like to listen.
Long story short I have been told about a diamond ring that I have been asking for and promised since before we had our son. I have been telling him over and over to buy his family a house, or at least help with that and he has bought a house in his whores town and it was told to me that he is saving for her deposit on her a house. The watch I wanted and asked for after last year me buying him a watch he gets her the watch for Valentine's or at least one like the one I wanted.
I'm embarrassed to say more. My husband feels that because I cheated 3 times yes I know LOL SMH during his 7 1/2 year bid that I deserve this. He says that no one said anything while I did what I did so why is it a problem that he does what he do.
Well the problem is that I would never cheat on him with him out here in this world helping me and being with me. Plus I never used him for the next person. No matter what when he needed me I have always been there I never moved on. Never put anyone other than our babies above them. I have always given in this relationship LOL.
I told him he should've told me last year that he met this woman again. Boy would things be different. One thing I am truly grateful for in not finding out till New Years Eve is my baby boy. I closed my eyes while riding one day and told him I see a son in my belly. I see the next Messiah. Wouldn't that be amazing? I told him I can feel it and I know he is going to be great.
I have to be on the road for great things so that I can set the stage for my babies. They have to know and see the sacrifice through me.
So as I write this I ask myself why am I still here? Why am I not tired yet? I want to be. I want to have him call and then just say whatever I'm not answering.
I want to be at the point where all I care about is the money that he brings to the table because boy don't I deserve it anyway. I have dedicated 13 years of my life to prison life and all he does is come home and show other women a good time. I should have not let him back in my bed again. I am shaking my head because I dare not tell close friends about this not at all. They're tired of him coming and going and me allowing it. They are tired of me falling for the lies over and over again. They hate that I hang on to the hope of the open comments and confused state he be in not wanting me but wanting no one else to have me.
I just have to learn to take things as they are without becoming stressed out anymore or being sad and miserable until I am in the position to put my foot down.
I had a good say until I got that phone call about him looking good and he has his woman looking good with matching kicks. I got pissed because he just told me he couldn't buy the car seat for the baby but he can buy him and his whore a pair of sneakers. Foul. Don't tell me you tight in money because you have to get my car out the shop when you buying footwear.
I have to say before I go anymore on the negative with ho that he does provide. He does make sure when I stay on him that we have the things that we need.
Joy Stealers They like to make me angry because he made them angry somehow. I found out who she was in the first place because someone told me.
At times I want to tell him who they are, but then I remember that he may continue to need them and his loyalty lies with someone else now. As long as no one tries to bring him harm or anything like that I'm good. I don't want to get in the way of him learning on his own.
I had a great day and it is still great. I will not let things that hear about him make my WHOLE day sour. It cuts however its what it is.
You nor anyone else will rob me of my joy.  

Making a 300 a Bently
Lmao. Sometimes really that's how you have to stop and look at it. The 300 cryslers are nice. Can't take anything away from em. You can put the rims on it to dress it up even more go get a different grill and all that and it's nice to ride. IT AINT AND NEVER WILL BE NO BENTLY. No matter how you dress it and make and build it up. What JoJo said? Once you've had the best you can't do better.
I guess that's also called loving the one you wit and not the one you want. That sucks.
It's ok. I am a top notch beautiful woman who cooks cleans and takes care of my children to the upmost ability and some.
I loose out on nothing. 

Ok as the founder of the blog I guess I can just do this things myself. My story is somewhat similar to NJoy's.
As I write you'll get to know me.
It's amazing how many blessings people choose to overlook. I am so caught up in what I don't have and the very few things that I want, that I can not c all that I do have. My vision I keep allowing to turn into nightmares cuz of what? A man? Really? Yes really.
:) I'm smiling because I am so very personal. I live writing all the time. I think poetry in my head as well as letters or speeches I should put on paper......
A dear friend of mine who I c now thinks the world of me, just stopped me in my tracks of uncovering more bad news and dirt on my husband. Who by the way I am currently separated from however he still calls the shots pretty much. What they say. I'm in love and he knows that but he uses the notion u pay to be the Boss. Lmao smh. Sad I know.
My supervisor stops me in my tracks and tells me to STOP and WAKEUP!!
All this motivational speaking I do for others has to spill into my soul. I have to hear it and know.
He tells me that I am this inspirational woman and DANG! Why am I so blind that I can not see that.
I am beautiful have a lil stomach but you can cook and clean and he tells you you are a great mother.
My supervisor tells me to stop and think for a second and just appreciate the fact that when I say that I am going to do something I make it happen. He told me he saw me manifest what comes out of my mouth many times over.
Other people are waiting to save money to have a plan and I have it in the bank. I'm approved and looking for a home right now while others are not even there. And this is my second home not the first one.
I really have to wake up. I have goals written down and I am following them but can not focus whole heartedly because I want someone else to love me the way I deserve to be loved. Held the way I deserved to be held and he is not and said he will not do that right now.
It's my choice to wait or put my foot down.
I am in the making of greatness. This here is just temporary. I'm told to look at what I have at my lowest. So really I can not imagine what my peak is. It's got to be nothing but greatness.
Ughhhhhh!!!! I scream from the pain and the burns of the fire. Eating crow and being humble is a huge practice and test of Faith and accountability and responsibility. Just eat crow until I get where I need to be. However I can not and will not stop living and loving me in the meanwhile.
The fire i feel is just the cleansing of all the rotten materials in me fire and heat kills it all. When I come out I will be a beautiful rock of gold.
I've been wanting to just spill out so here it is.
You can watch me through this struggle as a single mother conquering her pain heartaches struggles and accomplishing her goals. I can show you better than I can tell you.
I am asked for advise and motivation so here it is.
They say a Wise man can learn from others mistakes.
NJoy
Write any q's or comments 

A Slave To My Emotions

I have truly been fighting these urges. The urge to be wild and free. To go out and just b carefree. Don't ask. LOL I have no clue what is goin on. My mother and my mother-in-law say it's what I'm goin through with my husband. All I know is I hope it is just a phase.
Can someone just quickly tell me I'm beautiful and say they wanna do all the things to make me smile and I just feel better?!
Yea I know the answer already. It ain't  gonna make a diff. The man I'd like to hear that from has long since been occupied and content making other women feel better. Boosting the next bitch ego is his expertise now. LOL
U c what I mean my ass is drowning on and off in my own feelings.
I wrote a poem in my head on it in the shower yesterday. Can't remember how it went for nothing. 

My son is just too handsome. All I went through I am so thankful he is normal and healthy. O yea and spoiled.

Well the title says it all for me. That is how I feel. I can say my body feels a lot better than it has. i'm sore still however I am healing.
 

Sitting home. Alone. Again. LOL
It's not so bad though. This is another day my husband has been being really nice. He tried to do things the right way today. Our son had his doctor appointment at the last minute. His lil belly button is still draining. Stains his undershirts up. At first all he could do is follow us so he can carry the car seat up. Surprisingly he stayed.
It's amazing how this was more important than what he had to do. That's not normal. smh lol
I think honestly he jus thought it be better to wait than to leave and come back. Plus he really this time around sees a glimpse of being there for everything for his son. I think. I really don't know. You know how it can be sometimes. You really want something and you begin to see it that way rather it is or is not that way at all. I know that is how it is. Don't wanna be like that. I do clearly see a change. I just don't know what for and what the reason is. I note to self that I will enjoy it while it last. The good and peaceful parts. He still is not doing what he supposed to, however he is not causing me the hell that he was before. We could be here arguing all the time and fighting. Which I then really loose because there is not much I can do right now.
Well, I will take it one day at a time.
I am beyond sleepy, watching Grimlins. Dozing as I type. Ok I guess I will have to fill you in another day.
Peace Feels SOOOOOOOO Good
NJoy