Be ing Happy

Like storms naturally do
you move in from the west of me
that's the left of me,  capturing me
in your wild winds
i fly north
then drop south.
all the way south.

when the sky turns from red in which should be a clear morning
i am back on the even ground
uneven, and mourning

all the tragedy that i blamed on you
when it was me         taking me
through
following and keeping up not letting go of YOU

Clear skies please!
I want the age spots and, and tears
to disappear
from my eyes
Why do I cry?

we all say nothings wrong NOR right
in spite
of rhetoric, playing and toying with the dilusions and
cravings and never ending wantings dancing b4 and b4 me
even when my eyes are closed tight
even when my self is supposed to be sleeping
(the self never sleeps)
my brain is supposed to be sleeping,
and my body relaxing.

BUT
i continue to stab, reach, point, and get
CAUGHT
even in the sleep state
i begin astro-projecting
outer body expierencing
still  self–dra·ma·tiz·ing
it dances vividly carving realities under my eyelids
hyp·no·tiz·ing, brain warping
weighed down.   heavy as my soul searching organ is
my thoughts still racing.
Chasing
               What?
Dreams, Ambitions, Goals, again Needs, and
the wanting. Damn the Wanting
Why Be Wanting?
Has nothing to do with being Human          
         Being
                 not human
Being selfish, wanting the happy for me.
Cuz it's that time 4 ME! ME! ME!
ME! ME!
I've been working!
                            I've been Enduring!

DAMn, here's a negation - i then feel foreign, to good that comes to me
we not going there now
                      I have been Enduring!
we all endure the most
we all endure the worst
we all have it so so so so so
so so so bad
i say this with an awe what ever face
       it's not my fault
i just want to have HAVE have
 Instead of just Be  BE     BE
 Instead of just Be ing
                                          Happy