It's funny, wen I am feeling a lil better things don't come to me as much to write. I am missing him though. Y only God knows. Ok, I'll stop puttin on ass I kno y. My ass is lonely and it jus felt good pretended that we cud b a family. I can't use ppl as a passifier. That's jus not fair.
What is fair these days though really? Who plays fair? Shit point him out. At the end of the day all I want is a man that can b there for me and my kids and love the 3 of us as if we were apart of him. Love us like brothr Sis momma all that jus b loyal and fair. Yes I did say I like to fantasize didnt I.
Like I sed b4 it does feel good aftr him askin to come bak, I tol him there was no way he cud sleep n my bed again. Turnin him down made me feel a lil better. Actin like I don't care doesnt feel good; him not knowing that feels great.
The opposite sex think they so slick dont they? He prolly kno jus what the hell I b thinking.
If u haven't noticed by now this is text message to u.

Well it's the next day, I pretty much fell asleep on y'all. I woke up this morn gettin redy for wrk, and I noticed that my fuckin money missin. Now once again, I have been reckless. I have never been this damn reckless. I counted the $ left and it looks as if someone has taken off wit $55. WTF!!! Whatevr p want, they can hav outta me I jus that type of person. Point blank.
It's got to b Desparation is crazy. It makes ppl make poor choices. I njoy seein ppl in that state though, for one reason alone. U kno wat that reason is? Wen ppl r desperate, they true colors show and u really c where they morals ly. Jus damn don't b a casualty. Too many times I hav been a casulaty to my stupidity and othrs relentess rule to thier devilish lower nature. They damn ego as well.
O well I can't afford to take anymore hits. Jus can't. I have been wasting a tremendous amount of time wit this Dominican dude for these events that 'spacesaver' has asked me to book for her, and jus time to sigh and think about NJoy. That's who matter. NJoy and of course my beautiful babies.
It's funny, my lil Sis is prego right now and she is so beautiful. I jus think bout them trailers. We r all finally goin to hav time to spend wit one anothr as a family.
Yes that's crazy gotta go to somebody damn prison to feel like a family.
My husband is almos perfect. Wen he learns to do the right thing and listen to authority, then he b perfect. Lol. For that reason, I really feel uncomfortable wit jus sayin "YES here I go all the way all of me". I want him and compare evyone to him I find, but it's that 'but' that's gets me all the time. That what if I have wasted all my time and he can not and will not change is what keeps me lookin for more becuz I deserve more. I don't strive for more though and come across more becuz I am steady holdin on. Men use that as an excuse to do what they feel becuz. They r not goin to truly invest emotionally and wholeheartedly becuz they don't kno what I will. Wen he comes home of course.
I blame myself sometimes, cuz I kno the best way of me doin things was to get a divorce. I can't hav my cake and eat it too. It jus doesnt wrk that way.
It's not fair to someone else eithr I guess. I jus wanna b content. I miss my husband and I miss late lover. He was evything I wanted my husband to b, and he often sed 'I jus not u husband' confusing. My dad see I shud b ovr that by now.
So wit all this being sed, what does this all This mean that I hav to do?
Well it means that I have to prioritize my goals for one so I can focus better and since I keep being subject to hav things taken from me cuz I am reckless not hav anyone too close until I get MYself organized and am paying better attention.
As far as my love life..... Close it. No time for too close relationships that includes frens too. Gotta get it together. Say it again b organized and get my shit together.
Focus solely on my goals and my family.
Hope u njoy
 NJoy

Punishment is the authoritative imposition of something negative or unpleasant on a person or animal in response to behavior deemed wrong by an individual or group.The authority may be either a group or a single person, and punishment may be carried out formally under a system of law or informally in other kinds of social settings such as within a family. Negative consequences that are not authorized or that are administered without a breach of rules are not considered to be punishment as defined here
Four fundamental justifications for punishment include: retribution, (Retributive justice is a theory of justice that considers that punishment, if proportionate, is a morally acceptable response to crime, with an eye to the satisfaction and psychological benefits it can bestow to the aggrieved party, its intimates and society)deterrence (Deterrence is the use of punishment as a threat to deter people from committing a crime. Deterrence is often contrasted with retributivism, which holds that punishment is a necessary consequence of a crime and should be calculated based on the gravity of the wrong done), rehabilitation (To restore to useful life, as through therapy and education or To restore to good condition, operation, or capacity.) , and incapacitations such as isolation in order to prevent the wrongdoer's having contact with potential victims. Of the four justifications, only retribution is part of the definition of punishment and none of the other justifications are guaranteed outcomes.

If only some of the conditions inherent in punishment are present, it is generally not regarded as a situation in which it would be accurate to use the term "punishment". Inflicting something negative, or unpleasant, on a person or animal, without authority is considered either spite or revenge rather than punishment. In addition, the word "punishment" is used as a metaphor, as when a boxer experiences "punishment" during a fight. In other situations breaking the rules may be rewarded, and is therefore without negative consequences, and so cannot be considered punishment. Finally the condition of breaking (or breaching) the rules must be satisfied to be considered punishment.

Punishments differ in the degree of severity of their unpleasantness, and may include sanctions such as reprimands, deprivations of privileges or liberty, fines, incarcerations, ostracism, the infliction of pain, and the death penalty. Corporal punishment refers to punishments in which pain is intended to be inflicted upon the transgressor. Punishments may be judged as fair or unfair in terms of their degree of reciprocity and proportionality.[3] Punishment can be an integral part of socialization, and punishing unwanted behaviour is often part of a system of pedagogy or behavioral modification which also includes rewards.

 

Punishment is a different topic that has not been mentioned lately, but often dished out. We all feel that wen someone does us wrong, they shud feel the heat. I know I feel that way often. At the same time though, I know too that it is not up to me to say how. We all hear that Karma and all that. We feel ten times better seeing the consequence for the wrong doin whatever it may b. Well, to hold grudges is burden, and ways heavy on your heart. It takes more energy to hate than to jus let it go.

 

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It's the best. Watching the sky sparkle n a bunch of diff colors n the sky wit the family happy 4th

Well I had fun with the kids today, we played hide and seek and 'I spy wit my lil eye'. It was funny cuz wen I got tired a jus hid behind the chair of the kitchen table. Lol my table is in the middle of the kitchen. Lol they thought I wud hav some real hard hiding place and I scared the crap outta them wen they passed by me for the 3rd time.
We listened to music and I let them jump hard the bed.
Man my mOm had me hot today. My oldest asked for a sucker right b4 I finished cooking dinner. U kno I tol her NO. I also tol her they hav to eat first. Now I gave them they suckers that they Nana bought them to take ovr there. I expected them to eat lunch and them hav that. Y wen I tell her ass No, she tells me "well anyway that's y I ate my sucker at Nanas and I didnt eat".
I am pissed. I tell her no cNdy for the rest of this week. Of course I have to call my mom and ask her whT was up wit her feeing my kids suckers for brkfst. She tells me she didn't feel like gettin up. I tell her I am placing them on punishment and cud she please honks out now they complain how my babies r so bad but ck this she see she won't b able to stick to that. I tol her if she don't stick to that I will jus beat her ass. My mom sex she won't b able to hold off from givin her sweats even though she spoke bad to me.
Well som things I will nevr understand. I don't think othr ppl will get it eithr.
NJoy the day is as good as u let it b for yourself.

I had a beautiful day yesterday. For starters I woke up and laid back down. I rarely get to do that. It felt good. Called one of ,my right hands to wish her happy bday. Called Car as well to wish her a happy bday as well. We chatted for a few, she kept me on hold so I dropped the call lol. Iron W called me and just wanted to make sur that I was still comin to get him for Brunch.

I had forgot, and I also forgot to tell him that I had not been ableto get a sitter, so the kids had to come with us. He and I r the best of friends. He knows me better tahn some, ok better than all my girls. He's around more consitant through my ups and downs, he does not have PERIODS, attitudes and all that so I don't have to worry bout the bullshit. I love and respect him a lot.

I called the place to make sur that it was ok if with our reservations we could still bring the kids. I knew that I need my mom for later this week. There is no way I'ma ask her to watch them.

I glas I didn't, they had so much fun.

The mamosa was alright, the food was awsome. The kids and I had leg of lamb, salmon, and some type of mozzarella tortalini. Muah.

The kids ate that off my plate like I was eating too fast. They had waffles and chicken as well. Let me tell you, all sorts of sweets and treats. I have to take my Papa there. Hands down he will like it.

So you know as I am fixin the twins their waffles, my youngest takes her hand and swipes her freakin finger through the plate of whip cream lol. The older white couple looked at me weird as shit. I didnt even kno wat the hell they were thinkn. I dont kno why that made me a lil embarrassed. I tol her ass not to do nothin like that again.

Whatever.

The chef kept givin me a small ass peice of lamb and salmon, and then he had the nerve to try to serve someone before me. The man tol him that I was there first though. That made me feel good since the chef was bein a PRICK. What was the point of that? Too bad.

Now I called my grl that morn to c if she wanted to do something, and I had left her and my other aquaintace a message sayin Happy Bday. After my second trip to the buffet, my grl calls and ask do I want to go there. I tol her she late and we almos done wit our meal. We are all bout to get deserts. Walkin out she got her mom, aunt, and homegrl. I jus thought to myself 'whatever'. I had a good time wit Iron W. If things were diff I always tell myself. Ok, and if we cud guarentee takin things there doesn't ruin friendships. lol too bad.

Ok, next thought....

Aftr that I still was ok, wit the kids wit my husband, knowin that we are gettin our visit soon. Mayb then we put things bak where it shud b. I miss him sooo much, and I have been wantin to feel him, not jus sex. The fact that I can hav my family act as a family even for a wkend.

It means so much to me to c him c his kids sleep. They come and jump on him to wake him up in the morn. I almos lost hope, that he cud do anything diff. You kno they often say that they are instatutionalized. They can't survive, or b humbl enuf to b anywhere else.

If he only knows jus how good the thought for the end of the month feels. I am willing to pay for him. lol

That's crazy, I ain't really ever jus willin to pay to lay, and have him hold me.

I forgot what it feels like for us to sleep together. I forgot what it feels like for him to touch me. I jus want that intimate kiss, and rub on the side of my face.

If this can come together, then there is hope that he can change for himself and his family. There's hope that he will b abl to support me like I once had from someone else. I need that from my husband. If I cud only tell him how I did the comparison, and that I know now how it feels for someone to love me and share his morals, and loyalty, and supports me. I know what I want. I wish to God my own husband can giv that to me.

Even wit that all being sed though... on to the next.

Askin my Dad to watch the grls was kinda a bumber, but... I sed I ain't gonna go there, and that too will hav to b pushed aside for another day.

I'm laughing to myself right now. In this training class that I hav to take. I hav alredy tol myself if the promotion doesn't come it is not worth my while. I hav not wrked for under $10 an hour in sooo long. Hell I haven't wrked for under $18 in sooo long. My last job I got paid some decent money. Really good, now I miss it. I like to b able to go to the store wen I feel like it, and get what I want. My mortgage and the car note all paid in one ck, and the rest of the bills paid in the next. With one ck to myself like I shud hav. No matter what i make though, or the standing, I am taking me and my babies on vacation this yr again. I tol myself I am not gonna let life pass me by. With given life you have to Live. That's wat i plan on doin.

I ahve no prob sharing it wit my babies either.

That ain't to say though that I don't need a brk cuz I do. I rightfully need to hav fun without my children. That pisses  me off. We not goin there though. lol

I alredy went there.

Ok, bak to wat I was tryin to say earlier, is I left my pants in the basement too long, and even wit the Amberwood body spray and lotion I still smell it. I doubt anyone else does though.

It's not that bad, I remember though wat the pants smelled like b4 I sprayed them. Thsi guy used too smell like that. It's funny the thought jus comes to me. I sed DAMN I remember where I hav smelled that smell. This guy u kno I dare not evr say names lol, don't wanna affend anyone. LOL He always smelled like his wife nevr put his damn clothes in the drier. That's funny.

Now anothr thought comes. I miss my country boy. Davis is extremely handsome, I wud nevr go there, he has no kids and he has a beautiful grlfren. I don't believe in that. Y mess up somebody else world especially wen u can't b a permanant part in it. On well, I am thinkin nout him. He really is a great person. He moved to WA I hope all is well, I make sur that I text him latr.

I hav so many things to do today. I have some papers that I hav to mail out for these family reunion visits, or C visits r in July. I can't wait. I wish I cud sometimes erase all the crazy things that i hav gotten myself n2, but then that wud b regretting. I don't wanna regret nothin. U liv and u learn. Let it go. This has to get on twitter. there r a few things that I hav to do to help Spacesaver get this thing up and runnin. Jus nevr feel like I hav enough time.

---

NJoy

Ok, I went to take my exam today for catering. I don't know how I did. There were a few Q's that I got wrong wit no Q. Oh well, I will hav to take it again if I dont pass. I was the second to las to finish too. Leaving I saw 2 places for rent. Cazy cuz they were 2 spots that I hav ben lookin at for a long time now. Passing by saying to myself wat I wud do if those spots were mine.
I hav ben wantin a lounge since I was 18. I feel it comin close. It's crazy cuz there is so much more I want as well though. I want my hands n evything.
My husband sent me a letr askin for shit again. He doesn't understand y I b so f'n pissed bout him always wantin and needing new sneakers all the time. U r n freakin prison homie dang!!! Lol I don't get it. SMH. O well there r things he doesn't get bout me eithr I guess and he has to deal or not deal. Again though I did say that he doesn't get approved for parole for December I am gettin a divorce. I can't do this anymore. It's played out. I need help raising my girls and accomplishing my goals. Plus they deserv a me role model. They donn hav one at all. I don't want them goin anywhere else for that Fatherly affection.
Anyways
He doesn't get y I am not content wit him. He always asks for more.
This grl keeps askin me bout this darn Shrek game on XBox. I don't hav a clue what's goin on in this game. I used to play all day.
As u c I write jus how I think. Jumbled and subject to subject. All ovr the place. Back to what I was sayin though, immhappy a lil right now. Things hav been goin good. Other than that thing wit my dad and them not bein able to watch my girls for me. That's y though I see I need help. I shudnt hav to call n to wrk to b wit my babies cuz Boone else responsibl for them. I kno som ppl got it worst but.... It's me we talkin bout. Nah let me stop. There r no hard feelings though sommppl jus tired. My Minnelli it to this whole othr place today, talkin bout how they don't hav no family and I need to get used to it. Lol it's all good.
Well enough of that anyway. It's ovr wit and done wit. I forgot to post it yesterday. Sunday was a beautiful day I din get discouraged til askin if I cud bring my babies to my dads in the morn.
Well I miss the encouragement and the help that Ah used to giv. That's the only diff btwn himmand Abba thats my husband by way. Ok more than one diff Ah is dead and Abba stay in prison.
Look goodnight I gotta hav this grl shut this game off it's time for bed. I'm not sleepy, I got plenty of rest yesterday I mean today. I slept in and that felt gray plus I got a fees things taken care of that I really needed to get handled like those papers mailed off. Yes so we can stay the night in a trailer home lol. That's funny that I am excited. I have t had the pop to b close to him in so long. I
I kno I am still trapped I. The Tigers claw though, cuz I still think of him. O. To another man not Ah. Yes I shud b slapped the one hat left me hi and dry. He hasn't called or anything g either. And he sed he loved me. I'm bein fun y. I'm laughing in my head right now.
Y cuzzin tol me I was crazy dating the downgrade like that. I tol him that's o ly cuz I had to pik himmup. He normally nevr looked that ruff. He good now, cuz I meant a hand. Bet u wo t evr get me to do that again. The feelin almos gone though I will b happy wen he didn't even cross through my thoughts anymore. Ok for real. GOODNIGHT!!
NJoy

I have been drinking a lot lately, and I keep saying that I am goin to stop. When? Hopefully aftr this wkend. Wen I walk into the room the kids r actually behaving. That amazes me. I kno it really shudnt but it does.
They jus have so much nrgy. I am constantly yellin and talkin to them ovr and ovr again. That gets annoying and tiring.
Evybody always say 'u got them like that spoiled as shit'. I want anithr baby too. Jus w t evything to b right b4 I do. Raising kids on ur own is lame. The niggas r lame who leave us do hav to do so as well.
Laying here enjoying my oldest ask questions about Horton Heard A Who. That's the movie they or we r all watching.
Goodnight. Love to write although I better njoy the moment.
I jus thought this, :) my dad always says 'we will all do well the devil is in hell'
NJoy

 

Thank You so much for your good books and wonderful Q & A session. Kieth Lee Johnson. Get his books if u havent already. Black Girl Lost series