That Adele 'i won't go' is what it is. My Dad sed I always find myself going to the 'point of no return'. He is very right. Ur heart ain't meant for evybody. He tol me to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. Yes thats an old saying, and it is very so much true. Some deserve love others deserve jus a friendly word, and the rest need to see ur ass twitch, walking tward the othr direction of them. U cant treat all ppl the same.
U have to let go for good to come though. Men can't always b projects, arts and crafts lessons. Molding and changing them like clay. Trying to make a portrait that was alredy drawn in our heads. We have to keep wetting and smoothing and smoothing the clay wit rocks in it. Ok that's a lil drastic but the point is, you'll never make the actual like your distorted imagine in your mind.
It's like searching for God wit a pic in your hand. Now ur passing up anything outside of your narrow focus.
Destructive
Jamming and jamming trying to make that odd piece, trying to make that square fit in the tiny circular space.
We all want love to knock on our door, and say out loud 'here I am'. If it did that I gues though we wud say get outta here thinking it's not real or it's a hoax of some sort. Lol.
I wanna run. I wanna scream. I want this frustration to b gone. I want this confusion and misinterpreted loyalty to drip from my finger tips and wash away wit the rain. Drain. Cuz it's draining.
Holding on to a lot of things jus cuz I feel I have to. Just holding on cuz I gave my WORD. what is that anymore anyway.
Why is it too that u feel so good wen u attempt to make someone feel like u feel? Those that hurt u need to b taught a lesson. So y the hell can't u always c it. Wen u do c it. Ok pause.... Wen my dumb ass c it I start feelin bad and then I have to b taught anothr lesson. Shit. Ok. I guess I can finish reading this book I got.  'the honey moon is ovr' most marriages only mentally last that long huh. Lol.
Goodnight.
The twins and I had a nice time at the beach. Watching them play and watching them hav a good time. Distracted by what be will do. I kno he gonna b angry I dropped most is shit off at the spot. Where he say he b at all the time. Heheheheheheheheheeee!! To damn bad. The kids r bathed and sleep at 8:00. Good I can make it on my own. Jus gotta make it through the next month. Again. By NJoy

This is how u do ME. I watch u. U don't do nobody else like that. I don't deserve that. If u b a man of ur word I wouldn't have to always complain and nag a nigga out the door as u call it. I try evything to make u happy. I can't leave my comfort zone cuz u flake too much. Love me or leave me alone. Don't spend that $100 it wasn't yours or mine.

This is wwhat I have to txt him.
I laid $100 on the desser, I dont know how I forgot where it came from, but I did. I asked for $20 fom him, and didnt realize that he moved the money. Thinking that it was his money, I grabbed what I needed. He asks me before leaving the house, if i moved his money. i had no clue what he was talking about. This man make a long story short, ends up taking the money I needed, and spending it. Later that day (yea i'm slow), it donged on me. Damn, this nigga I swear i dont need this shit. This happen freakin a week ago. He hustle, and everybody can ask him for something but me. That's the main reason I told the owner of this blog not to post my name nor tell ppl who I am. Ppl will think I am dumb as hell. Ok rephrase that. They will know that I am dumb as hell.

Well I enjoyed myself today, had a blast. One thing I have been doin is making sure that I step outside the house looking good. I am not a small girl at all. The men was liking what they see though.
Men normally don't just ask for my number as soon as they meet or see me. They get to know me then start asking for my digits. Geat, I have a dashing personality. That's what that says to me.
I can take that, though.
I may have a ticket when i get home fom his ass too. I explained to him that I did not want to take cae of a dog. I feel bad fo the dog though, I ended up meetin hi half way taking care of the dog. She got taken by the pound today. He got pissed becuz she hopped the fence, and she's in heat. The woman in the back of us has golden retrievers, and her male dog was goin in. She was lettin him too. He had ssed last week, that he was gonna get rid of her if she hopped that fence too.
I know he was supposed to had been kicked out. I am afraid to let my Dad kno, I aledy know he gonna say worse things than I dont evr learn, and I can't wait to get a better ass kickin. Look at me. He has never lied.
Let me tell you what happen wen I kicked him out....
 I gues this is the amo I needed to kick his ass out since I cudnt b woman enough and jus make his ass leave cuz I jus sed so. Now they all told me i wud go through this wit his ass. Sure enough I am. I'm not sure if I'm ready to go through the same shit wen my husband comes home though.
Making him leave shud b easy being that I've known that I wud have to di this anyway. Since he has come into my life my car is depreciated, my pockets r emptier, my kids r attactched and I hate puttin my kids in the middle of anything.
Because I knew that it wud always come to this why does it hurt. I can't tell if I'm hurt cuz I love him or cuz my pride is still bruised. I've provided everything including the toilet paper he wipes his and blows his fuckin nose wit. WTF. How cud he not appreciated that? Dont blow the fact that I'm married up either. He brought that up one time too. I get to that n a minute.
So u kno I had called him 54 times. I kno cuz he sed that wen he came in. He took off last night, and didn't have the courtesy to come back. If he was at the spot he wud have woke up wen I called him at 6am this morn. Stressed as hell I keep callin. What did I do to him to do this? I'm sick now wit a cold from nursing him bak to good health. Waiting on him. I tol him wit him and the twins I have 3 kids.
He finally answers at 9, and I go in on his ass. Tellin him to bring me my shit now. He nonchalantly says "yea ima bring ur car. I'm on my way". Ok he sed he's on his way. He say it like he has no remorse no regard for keepin my shit. The car that I not he pays the note on. If he wants to do his thing jus tell me, giv me the opportunity to agree or disagree. Give me the opportunity to strap up with u. Dont use my shit to go c ur bitch.
In the meantime of waiting I feel like going to look for my car. I can't move, he got my purse and everything in there. No i.d. No nothing. He dont even keep his shit here at the house. He always broke leave it to him, he keeps turning his money around and playin wit it. Those who kno, kno what I mean.
Whatever
He doesn't come till close to 1pm. I met him outside, Screaming to him, hoping somehow he wud show some remourse and understand that he was jus wrong, I tell him to call a cab and not even bother comin in the house. He can grab all the clothes I packed and get gone. I stress to the twins to go back upstairs and play. I hate arguin in front of them. I can still c clear as day my mothers bruised and swollen eyes. He crying and being beatin held up against a window. Several times. I can c myself running to grab a knife and stop my mothers beating, from my own unkl.
I took my kids through that one time, and I sed that I wud never do it again. Their Dad choked the shit outta me on a visit. Long story, and I wasn't in the wrong I didnt think. I just wanted peace, and it was ovr someone being invited to the twins bday party. Build on that per request, or flashback.
 The moment the twins went back upstairs,  I smacked the living crap outta him wen he follows me  through the door. He has this crazed look on his face, and grabs me so I aim to slap him again. Grabbing my hands and folding them down to my sides, he embraces me and say "sorry".
What is "sorry"? Why are ppl always apologetic wen the damage has alredy been done?
I can't help myself.  I cry.
I cry from embarassment, I cry from hurt, I cry from lookin in his eyes and wanting and wishing that he did have some reason why he did what he did. Knowing he won't have a good explanation, my Mom knows, my grlfren knows, and my Dad knows. I look like an ass reguardless how my heart and or my emotions feel, I have to have him get his things and go.
Now I cry becuz I think this. There's no way this man jus disrespected me like this, and I feel remorse. I feel like I don't want him to go.
I hate how he makes me feel. What hold does he have on me? I get evything I want. I ahve been wanting him to come back to me, and I knew that was not a wise thing to ask for.
You do get what you want, just not always how you want it or in the form you want it in.
He forces me to the room, i am angry and the kids being upstairs I try once more to free myself, and smack him again. He can't get me to that bedroom.
He drags me to the room, and smacks me back.
"you know it turns me on wen u fight me like this right?".
He smacks me and takes his two fingers to my ribs and neck. "you know you turnig me on, how you like me smacking you back. Why wud I leave you leave you? why wud i mess ovr this good pussy? this pussy too good to me. I don't need to go out nowhere else. You help me out way too much. you make sure I am taken care of. Why wud I do that?".
Throughout the talk and the continuous anting of apologies, he tells me through my crys that he went to visit his brother in prison. As the lies penetrate, my cries bounce them back.
"Why the fuck is you still cryin!!!! You know what I'ma get some of this good pussy".
Ripping my clothes and he bites me and pulls my nipples hard. I thought they might come off. My screams bring the kids racing down stairs.
"Go upstairs babies we b out in a second".  He stops iting me for a second and notions me by pulling my hair to say somethiing to the kids. i tell them to please go upstairs and I b out in a sec we playin the Playstation game. They leave and he says while biting hard on arms and neck "you still cryin and that turns me on I tol you. Now you have something to cry for"
I try not to scream, but I have to cry.
I watch him and try to kick him as he forms his lips to spit and bring moisture to my private space. He spits and rams in still a lil dry.

I can't tell wat really hurts. My feelings, him still biting my arms my breast and nipples, or my vagina.
"u still wann cry and make noise?" grabbing my neck and pumping hard he presses his body weight around my neck. The fight is ovr. Tears fall as I replay me askin for him to come back. My desperate pleas explain to me the lengths ppl go in desperation. As he continues to pump and thrust and enjoy my hot cove the juices lubricate without my permission. 
"I love you. Pussy this good Joy u really think I'ma let this up. Ughmmmmm u take care of me. You care for u family u a good girl. This pussy so good why wud I need to fuck someone else?". 
Harder than he has evr felt he piks his pace back up and continues to thrust. He pushes till he feels the knock of my walls. His manhood bangs and bangs and all I can wonder is my kids and how cud he b doing this to me. I ask him please stop and tell him to think about the kids. My crying and weakness musta felt good he sucked my toes and bit my calves. Biting my ankles he stops to not cum and repositions my legs for a better grip. He begins to taste, tickling his to tongue and squeezing my breast I tried one las time to kick him in the face. His hand mashed my face to the bed and for real this time I called it quits. 

Pushing far inside my womb as he cud go I felt his pulsing. I felt the gush and jus prayed silently through my cries that I wudnt get pregnant by him again. 
I jus laid there as he stayed on top of me planting heart felt kisses as if nothing happened. "u can say I raped u. I really needed to release and u really needed to rease too. All this nut on my shirt from u, u can't say u didn't enjoy it a lil bit.". 
I just laid there, thinking of othr men who hV taken advantage of me. The twins came down again and he let me up, tol them they cud come in. I quickly grabbed the bunched comforter to cover my naked bottom half. They ran to kiss me. Loving them, I hugged them and tol them to go back and play jus for a lil while longer. They run to kiss and hug him as well, and he tells them he hasn't brushed his teeth yet. Persistant to the only othr man they hav been around and watched their mother love, they jump and shower kisses all ovr his bold head instead. I just watch. 
I am no longer the victim, as I fight no more, argue no more and jus take another shower. Wen I get out, he says there is something about my wet body, and he's redy for round 2 so that we can shower togethr. 
Blah blah blah. The shit I go for. I wish I knew karate. I turn evything I to a joke. 
Looking at all these bruises, my arms breast and shoulder and neck line purple and green. He bit the shit outta me. I had slipped the key off his key ring that while he showered. He noticed later and jus sed for me to call cuz he leavin his shit right there. That's the flash back. 

A new day, I am callin the spot and he is not there I dropped some of his things off at the spot and sent him aong text message. It's got to b ovr. It's crazy that I don't want it to b. NJoy

Images and daydreams of what I want and what I wud like things to b keep echoing endlessly and relentlesy through any still moment i have throughout the day. Staying focused is hard. 
My mind and my spirit crave somethings that I can not have.  That's crazy. 
I remember kissing hims down his and his neck. They  r so similar and so much different. I want that perfect picture and that perfect mindset. Myself I mus train. Jus gotta train my thoughts to b even and focused. 
I jus interrupted this thought because I jus heard in my head the brakes get pumped hard. Yea I heard that eeeerk the screaching sound. 
A the years I have been dealing with the same ppl doing the same ignorant things. That includes me as well. So that means that I have to do something about that. 
What? I sleep on it. by NJoy

The sex was ruff and I can't get it out of my head. The visions of him and how he makes me feel. Then I have to go back to thinking bout how got damn slick his ass thought he cud b not even 10 mins befor we made it to the bed. 
I don't know why he actually thought that I wud jus forget, and then b ok. No dick is that good. 
His phone rang. He figured out that it is sonmuch easier to jus answer and try to play it off rather than to let keep ringing. 
He goes in the bathroom and acts like he gotta take a shit. So I start talking loud through the bathroom door. I can jus picture his ass on the other side of door thinking he is getting away with something. Being that he is not far from 40 I kno he got a few tricks under his belt. Women don't see stuff cause they jus dont want to. We as women are blessed with a far better sense of knowing. 
Intuition 
He answers my questions, and I continue to be loud. Why? I know I shouldn't have to go through this. I had been telling him he needs to find a place of his own. Not be with another woman but on His own. Mayb then we get along better. I wud like a key to His place. I like nothing more than a man that doesn't need me for no more than jus Me. Its annoying sometimes coaching him to get his own things together I jus wonder why his ex grlfren didnt c it that way either. 
Back to what's going on. This is funny he actually hangs up asks me did I find his bracelet yet. Delighted I have a motive rather than jus senseless talkin, and following him around. 
I go back to my room as if nothing happened, and continue to look for his bracelet or pretend to. 
This nigga phone ring and he tells her "hold on bae". I come out the room and ask if he's talkin to me and asks him to repeat himself. His phone is gone. I kno he had his phone my ass ain't crazy. Why this nigga turn around and I c it in his back pocket. So naturally I start talkin loud callin him baby and all that. This nigga keeps walkin toward the porch like he bout to smoke a cigarette. 
 Wait till he closes the door, and gives him a cupl more minutes to pull his fuckin phone back out. He does. I open the door and start blasting him. He got this dumb ass look on his face like he don't kno what the hell to say. I scream and ask him why the hell is he sneakin to talk on the phone. That dumb ass look still glued to his face jus burned me. He tries then to claim he isn't sneakin onthe phone and that I need to chill out blah blah blah. He is always kickin that. Tryin to flip it every chance he gets. 
The nigga pulls a Keven Hart on me, u kno the part of the joke where his grl catches him in the car wit somebody and he flips it, screams loud that she ways leaves the microwave on hi and walks off. He goes to the car. I go bak in the house and go through the other the door, and meet him at the car. He hangs up the phone quick wen i pull open the car door screaming. Yea I kno that is jus too much. Don't u hate wen u don't have hard freaking evidence? I kno shit ain't right. Y he so dumb gonna tell me wen I tell him I kno what he up to. U can imagine the usual cuss out. "u on the phone wit a bitch! I kno it's a bitch cuz....". Yea too much then he half confesses. As if I really gonna stick to buying that. Y am I still here though? Accepting wat he sed rather I belive it or not, I guess says something about me. Y do I continue to deal? The sex is great but not that great. 
Sometimes I think its cuz of all my baggage. There r a few things that I am not redy to let go of yet. Not until i c if He my husband can come home from prison and do the right thing. 
Yea I kno. Didn't kno if I cud admit to that or not. Thought I wud sound like a whore. Or something on those lines. Ppl can sAy wat they want. 
This is my life and what I need is ppl that can add onto it and not continue to take away. 
That all for the night. By NJoy

The hot water was soothing. The kids crying and moaning in the background is normal, I already kno the routine so why don't they? 
I jus need to relax. Let this hot water and steam message out all this tension. I have to stop. Jus STOP for one minute thnking about all the fucked up choices I have made. Can't change it anyway. It's jus too bad that it feels as if I never learn from the mistakes I make. 
Mayb it is self-esteem. I think it's jus me being too damn nice. I hate hurting other ppl feelings, they never seem to mind to hurt mine or tell it jus like it is when the shoe is on the other foot though. They do as they please. I'm not jus talking bout a man I deal wit either. Although, that is the bulk of my problem. For instance why can't I jus take things for what they are. I'm sitting in this tub, wishin like hell that the kids will jus b good trained kids for one night and take they butts to sleep. I'm hopin that wen he walks through the door he has more than a cupl things to make me smile. 
He comes and sits to talk, empty handed. Don't misunderstand. He jus always says what he will do and I never c anything. That drives me crazy. 
He sits on the toilet and talks about his day. Tells me what he didn't mean and whatevr else. I've seen him on othr ppl bdays go and buy gifts. My baby bday. Nothin he has told me all that he is gonna get me for mothers day and here it is a month later I haven't gotten that yet either. U offered so dont say what u will do. 

Another goes by and here I have called him 10 times and he won't pick up. He walks through the door, and quick on his feet tells me the ringer was off blah blah blah. He called me about a half hour later, he called a good few times and I didn't bother to answer. He calls someone that can call me I ignore that person as well. How does he like to b ignored. The only thing I can do is ignore his call and look extra good. Mayb I don't look extra good anymore wit the few EXTra pounds i had put on. This is crazy. He comes talkin bout he will put the kids to sleep. He kno I was mad but he really needed me to grab his p for him. Aftr he had ignored my calls he feels it's ok to even come at me wit the he need me and use me thing. What doesn't he get? Ok the real Q is what dont I get? 
I need to b looking at myself and figuring what the hell it is about me that makes ppl feel like they can say and do whatevr. I have been trying to get that for a while. My Dad says that I hav no standards. I have to set standards and set boundaries. 
Ok the problem is.... We all kno from those who hav read my writing b4 that I am married. No the man that I am talkin bout is not my husband. He is in prison. I wanna do the right, what's the right thing? Mayb that's enuf for now. Idk I am always self conscious of what othr ppl think. I put up a good front, no one evr really knows that. I mean u can't tell. I understand that a lot o things are jus how u view it, and that helps me out a lot.by NJoy

Life hets better with each lesson learned. No one tells how because no one is making a movie of our life. If they were we'd be able to see just how much we've grown from life's lessons. One point to look for. Check how much we appreciate the simple things we once would have taken for granted.When we can set aside those issues which only take away form us, awww how great life really is......
PEACE. John Norris

I always gotta listen to my gut. That's what the hell I was giving intuition for. U kno how many test I failed erasing the right answers. Too many and now I'm too old.