Thank u. U really turned my night around. Really u did. A maid though? U funny. It ain't that good. Lmao. \
It would b nice at least one night per week. He or she cud start laundry and and so the good cleaning. With them still being young especially the baby. I pull out the mop every night. It's not an option unless we eat out somewhere. Lmao\
I love all I invest in them though. It wears me out and make me very exhausted but in the end they should hopefully stay focused and as u say stay sucka free so they can follow their dreams unlike me. Waiting so late in the game. \
:) \
I check their rooms later in the night after my shower or bath and I finally smile. It's all worth it. \
I just b heart broken sometimes cuz I know how much further I can be if I had the help. But hey. It may take a little longer long as I get there and have the moments to enjoy it though. :) \
Life is how u mentally process it. It would prolly b best if u were to call after dinner time. Everyday same routine. The girls r arguing and the baby is making a mess while I cook and plate their food so u call right in the middle of all the chaos lmao. Well not chaos just wrk time. \
I don't mean to b a drag. Think all the overtime and my monthly and.......... Idk I act like a woman. Lmao!!!! \
I do have to remind ppl that I have my moments too. Behind all the positive quotes and motivational speeches and bright smiles and I am moody and can b a lil off lmao! I'm definitely not predictable either. Lmao. \
That's when u get to know me. \
I was gonna finish folding laundry. Man please I'm bout to take a nap. Shut this door so he can't get out and pass out for a few. :) \
Thank u again for making me smile. Through all the pressure and tasks I forget to talk to myself and make myself feel good sometime. \
And yes I am gonna b smarter. I usually always save good, just can't feel bad when bad things happen and make ways to help. My dumb ass b coming up wit the ways too SMH. Fuckin sucka I b being. Lmao I learned now though. I never will give all again. \
Not even to my kids. I had been doin that too but shooooooot. They gonna grow up and even in they teenage years they not gonna wanna b bothered. Lol. Not till they grown and settled. :) and need babysitters lmao. \

I am gonna call the realtor in the Morning and let him I found something I like. It may not b the best bit it's something and I can rent it out.
I love my babies.
Crazy. Have a good night. We watchin ratatouille.

The new side to me

I haven't been desiring my husband lately. That feels good. I want him but not this him. I haven't been writing much lately becuz I must admit I did not handle him moving out well.
Everyone wondered why I was so angry and hurt. Well I explained to him that once he got the rest of his things it was over for good. That he could not come back. Moving his things means that he was making another permanent Decision to split. I can't just keep allowing him to leave and come back whenever he felt like it.
I have been crying the same cries forever. Texting the same things forever.......
I've been standing my ground lately for the most part. It angers me though he takes the sex rather I want it or not.
He told me he has a right I'm still his wife I belong to him. I have no right to say no.
It's just crazy. Once he powers me down I go along with it. It's not when and how I want it though.
I do want my husband but with him wanting to be a family man. Or at least knowing and wanting to balance the streets and family.
I've been hearing that he gets really drunk even out in public even at the bar now. Crazy.
His mom was supposed to watch the kids one night and he came talked crap bout how I was lying about going to wrk. Played with the kids and next thing u know they asked me was Daddy dead. Lmao. He just passed out sleep. Smh
He's getting so skinny his underwear r fallin off his butt.
He never looks like this. I love him and don't even know why. When I think about his battle with alcohol I just feel hurt.

Well enough of him. Cuz he pissed me off coming to bring his sons BDay cake when the party was over. Luckily I had the kids decorating cupcakes.
I bumped into someone from my past.
Long story short he's been 

It's 9:22pm and I am finally laying down. Lol. Cleaning up the kitchen and homework and preppin food for tomorrow and Tuesdays r our hot coca nights so we did cookies and milk Insted read a book For bed and put a load in the wash. Cleaned up shit cause he pooped all over my floor and then played in it lmao!!!! 
It is filled and packed my life. I truly enjoy my life though. Proud to be taking and training them. They better not disappoint me all the hard wrk I put into them. 
Changed my bed linen made my bed all nice and fresh took a quik shower and now I'm watching ratatouille with my son. He is stuck on it too. Lol
He likes talking animals. Guess I have to start training him to sleep in his own bed. I brought his playpen inside so it can b at the foot of my bed. Or on the side. But I b wantin someone to cuff and cuddle with myself. Lmao. Hate sleeping alone. Most times. Lol. 
Well. Goodnight. Have to start all over again.   

A WIFE
Is a woman who holds you down
Even when physically you can not be around
A wife supports you through your shortcomings and pushes forward off the mere hope that you will defeat the legions
Of demons
Attached to you
She knows you will survive and has more faith sometimes than you
That you will make it through
To be the capable man that's supportive and true
Puts his family first and sacrifices his own EGO
HIS OWN EGO
Because he knows that it's the right thing to do
Doing right is the hardest thing sometimes to do and
She knows that her husband will get the bigger picture.
A wife is that HOME that you always find yourself having to run back to
A wife YOUR wife still gives you the encouraging words past her pain that this world brings
While keeping her heart that the rain is just the prelude which waters the grass and makes way for the sunshine to come out and play
She's in your ear constantly
Your second conscious loving you through YOUR pain again and again
Not the woman who desires you when pain and hard work is almost done
So they can enjoy only the glory when it comes
Your wife is there in your grumpy mood and should be showered with your happiest too
She deserves it
When you fall short your wife stands behind you and tells you when you are wrong
And supporting you and being strong for your family too
Man....
That's a lot of hard work to do
You have to accept her for her shortcomings as well that less than more come through
Forgiveness
Because you know throughout all her rough edges and mistakes of her/y'all past
No one else wholeheartedly has your back
Being the moon playing the sun can be overwhelming too
A wife deserves pampering and consideration even when you have a hard time finding a smile she deserves that too
The love of your life only comes around once so if she's in front of you
You better hold fast flaws and all
Treat her wrong and life always has a way waiting to show you, teach you, and remind you of all the wrong you do

Look. Your behavior was a disappointment yesterday. No excuses can b made about u coming drunk and late to your only baby boy bday.
Your priorities r off. Life is chess. U taught me that. A lot of the things u have taught me u no longer live by. And u r no longer the man I fell in love with. I'm falling out of love bae. Like ya sex. I don't want it. Respect that. Just cuz I'm ya legal wife does not me I have to bend over for u. U want your cake and eat it too. I am not a second place woman. And that's how u treat me. I'm a great investment. All u put in u get back more. Respect me. Or I WILL NO LONGER BE AVAILABLE FOR YOUR DISRESPECT.
I didn't even get wet for u. The thought that u only there cuz the next not or can't is disgusting and disrespectful. YOU R NOT EVEN AWAKE YET. So once again my car won't make it to the shop.
My dignity and my children mean more than my love for u and especially means more than a bill being paid.
I am raising my babies with that I show my girls what to allow and tolerate and my son what to be like. U think about that. I can not continue with this.
Either u want me or u don't. U runnin my house my body my time when u respect none of these is not acceptable. I would b being my mother. And I am not. Alright Future. Have a good day.

I sent this to him this morning.
I want change. I will have to sacrifice to make it.
NJoy
Been goin through it 

The melt down

I felt the world in me. The trees the birds the air the wind the things u can't see. I felt them all muster in me and burst with energy when I told him he would have bad will on him as he keeps doing me wrong.
I told him after all I have done he cudda did was he was doing a different way. I do want him to live and be happy and if being with me means misery upon him then fine move on. Just don't use me in the process. Let me know what it is. This beautiful Mercedes Benz he had me put a personal loan on. 24k in debt and if something happened to him that is $400/month I have to be responsible for.
I know there's a thin line between being in love and plain stupid. Everytime God gives him opportunity for him to learn and me to learn and be free of his stupidity I run to his rescue in the name of Love Insted of what it is really called: torture lol I come and figure out a way for him to be back on top and givin me his ass to kiss again.
Back in December he lost everything again. When just in November I had given him money and all for when he came home to do something with. He gets caught up being drunk and crashes a rental in my name and hides out in bushes and woods and has me drive there and stand in to possibly take a charge for him. I was willing to do it becuz he wud have gotten 25.
So the nice pretty 600 he had given me for Mother's Day I call around an take a 6k loan out cuz he needed it. Told him they only gave me 4k so that I wud have cushion to pay the loan if he failed to. Anyway he was rappin bout just stayin home and being a babysitter and life is over attitude. I called around to c what loans and cud get and the bank offered a personal loan if I gave my car as collateral.
Now once again he lost everything and the Benz he got me for my bday I've gotten a loan on and put to the back burner my opportunity to buy my home. I keep reminding myself I just delayed this process. Cuz I have been having a poor attitude in this case.
God I know will only give me so many more chances before I can't save him and fall myself.
Anyway. I just hurt. I just feel like out all the things he has done and I still stay strong and faithful and in need and wanting to do the right thing. I'm cursed and a punk to not do what they all tell me. Let him play and I play and stack my money. Well I jus hate playin games. Especially when we gone through so much alredy. We shud BFF status and I shouldn't have to. I just want God to take this pain away from me.
I know tears r the body cleansing itself. I can't cry anymore though. So where does that leave me? I ain't even hungry. I'm only hungry when I fix somethin to eat for my babies at dinner time. I'm a cook and just fed them a veggie tray and fruit tray for dinner. Lol
I feel like when he came and got his clothes he could've told me. He could've just told me days before baby I am coming for my things so don't put them back in the drawers. After I all do be honest. No matter how it hurts or may not benefit u. He cud give me honesty. I'm still down cuz of my children. Well now he's kinda changed that.
His mom keeps asking well y u mad? U asked him to get his things. So he got them and now u angry. Yes I am Socrates wrote that ppl dorm always build walls just to keep ppl out. They build walls to c who will try to brake the wall down. It shows the fight for me. He did and still continues to say that he is coming back. However I gave my word that once you get your things there is no coming back. What kind of woman would I be if I did not stick to that? I would b the kinda woman that says that u can do whatever to me and I still come back for more punishment. I would be a weak woman. I told him he can't even humble himself enough to do what is needed to come back. My heart breaks over and over again when I think about it.
I don't think anyone gets it. There's no need for him to come back now that he has gotten all his things. What's the purpose? U callin my bluff just cuz. That's usin me. It is.
My friend told me that his claws of torture will not release from my back until I rid myself of all hope that he will can he and do right. He's right.
I still hope. I still c his potential and hope for him to be his potential and rid himself of who he is.
All the wrk and clean up I have done for him. Screaming on him when he makes stupid moves and tried to blame it on other ppl.
Staying up late when i have to be to wrk cuz he sleeps drunk in cars with the door wide open. Countless times I've had to come outside and clean him up and lock him on the car doors. My insurance is high now. All the sings and three rental crashes. Like. How dumb can I be? In the name of love of my Husband.
Help me.
My friend told me the best way is to get a distraction. Replace. Pretty much rebound he says. Lol. He meant him too I know what he was talking about. I have to keep him at bay though. He's too much like my husband. He has a fire temper and a bad boy attitude. A demanding respect attitude. I guess that is what has my attention. :) I smile thinking about him. I do wish I cud let him ease my pain. I told him I won't meet him or see him unless I divorce. That's not for my husband it's for me. For me I do the right thing.
He told me I have what others search for and they will not find. I just have it. 

More is coming tonight